New Blood in a New Hope
By Michael Weyer
Buffy the Vampire Slayer owned by Ten Mutant Productions
Star Wars owned by Lucasfilm
Some situations and dialogue taken from the Star Wars radio dramatizations by the late Brian Daley.
No, I’m not giving up on Slayers of the Old Republic. But, I’m frankly amazed that no one else has done this approach to a Buffy/SW crossover and with the release of the original trilogy on DVD and the fact A New Hope is my favorite film of all time, I felt this boil in my brain and decided to share it.
As you can tell, this begins with Season Four’s “Doomed.” Buffy and Riley are a couple but just found out the others’ secret, Willow has yet to get with Tara and Xander is with Anya. So onto the fun, all comments welcomed.
Looking back, none of them were quite certain what really happened. Spike was too busy reveling in punching demons, able to dish out pain again. Buffy was fighting one demon, Xander trying to handle the other as Willow raced through her mind to figure out some way to stop the chaos about to unfold.
She had been learning some new spellwork, thanks to her friendship with Tara but hadn’t had as much time to practice them out. However, given the circumstances, she thought it was time to break out one in particular.
Willow knew teleportation spells were tricky, especially in an area of high magic. But she couldn’t see much other option given what was happening. She closed her eyes, bringing up what power she could, trying to focus on the demons and thinking of a place where they could be sent before entering the Hellmouth.
She was just about to finish when one of the demons broke away from Xander and raced to the Hellmouth. He leapt in and with a howl, the portal took him. As it did, a massive burst of mystic power raced outward. It struck Willow just as she was completing the spell. She knew what was happening, she knew what was about to happen but it was far too late to do anything to stop it.
There was a loud burst of light that filled the room. At the corner, Spike howled and put up his hands to block the glare as he fell away. He heard a series of loud screams coming somewhere from that dome of light. A couple were not human, a couple were voices he knew well.
As soon as it had come, the light faded. As his eyes cleared, Spike could see the area around the Hellmouth completely bare. He absently snapped the neck of the demon as he came closer, his senses alert. He didn’t smell or see any signs of Buffy, Xander or Willow.
The vampire stared at the empty space, unsure of what to feel. On the one hand, having the damn Slayer and her buddies gone filled his undead heart with joy but…for some strange reason…he felt almost sad.
He shook his head and began to walk off. No need to wallow in pity. He figured he might as well put some distance between this town as he could. Once the damn Watcher found out what happened, he just knew he’d get the blame for it. Best to head as far, far away as possible when that happened.
Too bad, Slayer. You were quite the number. You probably deserved to go out better. But, ah well, fate is fate. I’ll raise a pint to you later.
He headed off, unaware of what the three humans were going to next.
She noticed the heat first. It was hard to miss. Oppressive, almost choking, dusty to boot. She moaned as she felt her arms and legs, making sure nothing was broken. She opened her eyes and looked up, trying to focus on the sun…
No. Suns. Plural.
Buffy winced as she slowly sat up, rubbing her head. She started to get to her feet as she glanced around, trying to figure out her surroundings. It took a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the incredibly bright light all around. Once they did, all she could see in all directions was sand, sand, the occasional rock and more sand.
“Great,” she muttered. “A desert hell. I just had to land in a desert hell. An island would have been fine. Grassland would have ruled. But noooo, I had to get a desert.”
She brushed at her clothes as she looked around, realizing she was alone. “Xander? Willow?” she called out, her voice echoing along the plains. “Hello? You guys here?”
She started to walk forward, her eyes scanning the horizon. She had no signs of civilization around here in any direction. She did her best to handle the sandy terrain, glad she at least been wearing comfortable shoes. She stripped off her jacket and tied it around her waist but it did little good. She had barely gone twenty yards before her entire shirt was stained and clinging to her body.
Buffy judged she’d been walking for the better part of a half hour when she heard a noise from the distance. She turned, her eyes peering at the glare as she saw something coming toward her. The noise grew louder, apparently a motor of some sort. Buffy threw her hands up and waved as she called out from a parched throat. “Hey! Hey, over here!”
She could see the shape form as it came closer. It looked like a vehicle of some sort, sort of like a car but she couldn’t see the wheels. It was brown, the front oval shaped with large bubble windshields. Two large engines were set at the rear with a third rising up from where the rear seats were.
It took Buffy a moment to realize that the thing was hovering a few feet off the desert floor. That, combined with the twin suns overhead was enough to convince her she was no longer on her world. Those questions were brushed aside when she saw the vehicle’s driver.
He looked to be only a couple of years older than her with light blond hair and handsome features. He was clad in a white tunic of some sort with white pants and shoes that looked like they were a combination of slippers and bandages. He looked her over with bright blue eyes as he spoke. “Hi. You get lost?”
“To say the least,” Buffy said. She looked around. “I was trying to find a town of some sort but no luck.”
“Nearest one is a long way off,” the young man nodded in reply. “What happened to you, anyway? Your ship crashed?”
“Crashed?” Buffy asked while her mind was working on the word ship. “Um, yeah, that’s the best way to say it. I crashed here.” She looked around. “Come to think of it, I’m not even sure where ‘here’ is.”
The man snorted. “Well, if there’s a bright spot in the center of the universe, you’re on the planet it’s furthest from. Tatooine.” He looked her over and then moved some sort of canister off of the seat next to him. “Hey, how about you get in? My aunt and uncle’s farm isn’t too far off, you can stay with us for tonight.”
Buffy hesitated. On the one hand, trusting in a stranger in what she was starting to suspect was a strange planet was a bit of a leap. Then again, her only other option was wandering around this desert for who knows how long. Given the options she slid into the empty seat. “My name’s Buffy Summers, by the way.”
The young man nodded as he started up the motor of the speeder. “I’m Luke Skywalker. Don’t worry, we’ll get you settled without much trouble.” He moved the controls and the speeder took off into the desert, Buffy letting a yelp at its sudden speed.
The rush of water was the first thing Willow heard as she woke up. She closed her eyes and grimaced as she slowly pushed herself up to a sitting position. She rubbed her head and looked around. She appeared to be by a large waterfall and a green field next to it. The air was clear, much clearer than California and a light breeze was blowing.
Either I’m in another dimension or this is the Promised Land she thought to herself as she got to her feet. She brushed at her clothes and looked around. She stopped in place as she saw a huge palace in the distance. Its architecture was most decidedly not of Earth, large buildings rising up on platforms and she could see some sort of speeders zipping about them.
“Okay, it’s freaking time,” Willow whimpered softly.
Willow let out a yelp and spun around. She clutched at her chest as she saw the woman standing before her. She was quite beautiful, clad in a long white dress, her brown hair done up in a loose ponytail. Something about her, her bearing, the way she carried herself, made Willow instantly like and yet be intimidated by at the same time.
“Um, hi,” Willow said. “I really, really hope you’re friendly cause I would feel really, really bugged if you weren’t cause I’m having a bad day already and know I really don’t know where I am and-----“
“Wait, wait, calm down,” the woman said, clutching her arms. “Calm down, okay? No one’s going to hurt you. We’re a planet of peace.”
Willow stared at her. “Um…planet? You said…planet of peace?” She shook her head. “Okay, definitely not on Earth then.”
“Are you okay?” The woman looked at Willow’s clothes, obviously not having seen their like before. “Are you here alone?”
Willow’s eyes widened as she realized that there was no sign of Xander or Buffy around. “Oh my God, my friends! They were with me and now they’re not and----“
“All right, calm down,” the woman broke in. “Listen, let me take you to the palace and we can get you cleaned up and then send out a search party for your friends, all right?”
Willow looked at the confident woman’s face and nodded. “Okay. Thanks.” She let the woman lead her down the path to the palace. “Um, my name’s Willow, by the way. What’s yours?”
The woman looked at her in surprise. “You must be new here.” She smiled softly. “You can call me Leia for right now.” Her smile turned different somehow, as if enjoying a private joke that Willow couldn’t quite understand.
Pain was a rude wake-up call for Xander. He groaned out loud as he tried to get his bearings. He was aware of something large and hard underneath him and rather hoped it was just a table. He knew that when he opened his eyes, he was going to be in trouble. Sadly, his instincts were dead on.
He saw several faces staring down at him, only one human. The rest were a bizarre mix of fur, scales and large eyes, all glaring down at him in anger. “Um…hi,” he began. “Sorry about the mess.”
He managed to get to his feet, wincing hard as he rubbed his back. He looked around to see himself in some sort of bar, a seedy one by the looks of it. He realized there were several cards and coins lying around him and instantly realized he’d literally landed in the middle of a card game. “Yeah, so, sorry. Guess you’ll have to start over. I’ll just be------“
One creature with a walrus-like face went for something at his hip. His instincts kicking in, Xander turned and bolted toward the first exit, managing to duck out just before a blast of heat nearly singed his neck.
He looked around to see huge towers on all sides and a harsh smell coming from somewhere. “Oh, God, I’ve died and landed in Blade Runner.”
Hearing the sounds of a brawl behind him, he quickly started to head as far away from the bar as he could. He had no idea what was going on but he was able to tell this was some sort of docking bay. He walked around, trying to find some sort of information booth of something to find out just where he was.
He was passing by some sort of hanger when he heard raised voices. Despite his inclination to keep going, something made him decide to poke his head in. Once he did, he was thrown by what he saw.
The hanger was dominated by a large half-spherical object that he guessed was a spaceship. Standing at a ramp at its bottom was a seven-foot tall creature that looked like the best version of Bigfoot Xander had ever seen. Next to him was a tall and handsome man who appeared to be in either late twenties or early thirties, wearing black pants and vest with a white shirt.
The two were facing several…beings, all heavily armed and led by a rather ugly-looking human in a dark fur coat of some sort. “This ain’t what was promised, Bungee!” the man yelled, pointing at a chest at his feet.
The man shrugged and answered in a bizarre chittering language. The other man shook his head. “I don’t care about that! I told you it’s not our fault we lost the one crate! We made a deal, you’re supposed to honor it!”
As Xander watched, one of the creatures in the gang was slowly moving a webbed hand toward the holster at his hip. The man and the gang leader were still arguing, the exchange getting heated. “Oh, you think it’s fine to just cheat us like this?” the man called out.
The other one sniffed and let out a low chitter. “You’re just going to keep the cash and the merchandise?” the older man translated. “I’d like to see you try.”
When you live a couple of years on a Hellmouth, you get to acquire a sense of incoming danger. Xander could hear that alarm ringing as he saw the guy with the webbed hands pulling out his gun. Instinct took over as his hands closed on a small pipe nearby and hurled it outward.
The webbed man gasped as he dropped the blaster and a bolt of energy ripped out from it. Xander ducked just in time to avoid a series of energy bolts ripping over his head. He heard a new pair of guns join the fray and peeked his head around to see Bigfoot firing what looked like a crossbow laser gun while his partner let out several blasts from his own pistol. The leader of the aliens was already down with a smoking hole in his chest and two of his gang were joining him as the others tried to get away.
One of the aliens was hit in the chest and fell down, his gun falling out of his hands and sliding toward Xander. He stared at it in disbelief and looked up to see another alien coming from a door at the far side of the hanger, behind Bigfoot and the other man. “Duck!” he yelled as he grabbed the blaster and aimed it. Sincerely hoping he was holding it the right way, he pulled the trigger and a bolt of energy erupted out from the barrel.
Xander yelped as the recoil knocked him onto his back. He sat up and stared at the alien who stood there seemingly frozen. It took Xander a moment to see the large hole drilled into the being’s forehead. It slumped to the ground and all was still.
The man and the furry creature both stared at it, then at Xander. “Nice shot,” the man said with a cocky grin.
“Actually, I was aiming for his chest,” Xander intoned. “Got lucky, I suppose.”
“No such thing as luck, kid,” the man said as he offered a hand. Xander took it and got helped to his feet. “Thanks for the hand. Looks like Bungee decided to welsh on his deal. I really hate welshers.” Bigfoot gave a growl that seemed to be agreement.
“Well, glad to help,” Xander said as he looked at the ship behind him. “That your ship? It looks…” He fumbled for a moment. “Servicable.”
“We like it,” the man said. He turned to his companion. “Listen, we’d better get out of here before someone shows up. Grab the money, we’ll figure out a way to sell this stuff off later.”
He moved to the ramp but stopped as he realized his friend was coming. “Chewie, come on!”
Bigfoot was looking at Xander with interest. He turned to face Han and made a series of growls as he nodded to a baffled Xander. The man came down the ramp, his face thrown. “What about him? Yeah, he helped out but-----“
The furry creature made more growls and motioned to Xander. The man rolled his eyes. “Aw come on, you pulled that life debt stuff on me already!” Bigfoot put his hands on his hips and snarled, causing his friend to put his hands up in defeat. “All right, all right! You won’t shut up about it anyway so fine.”
He turned to Xander and let out a sigh. “My friend here is the sentimental type. You helped us out, he thinks we owe you. You got somewhere else to be?”
“Um, no,” Xander said.
“Huh. Got a job?”
“Can you keep your head down and ready to help out if trouble strikes?”
“I’ve got experience in that area.”
“Got a name?”
He nodded. “Good. He motioned to the furry creature next to him. “This is Chewbacca and I’m Han Solo. Welcome to the Millennium Falcon.” He headed up the ramp, followed by Chewbacca and Xander began to wonder if maybe he wouldn’t have been better off back at the bar.