Disclaimer: Neither due South nor South Park is my baby, which is probably just as well, when you consider I’m going to hell for this.



ACT I:

CARTMAN: I’m telling you, they’re up here. I can smell them.

STAN: You asshole. You dragged us up the side of the mountain for no reason. I’m going home.

(Two adults appear from left, one with dark hair and a snazzy suit and tie, the other wearing a weird-looking hat and bright red jacket)

FRASER: Excuse me children, I wonder if I might have a word with you.

CARTMAN: Dude! What’s with the red jacket? Are you gay or something?

FRASER: Well, no. At the moment, I’m not particularly happy. My partner, Detective Ray Vecchio —

VECCHIO: Can we get on with this?

FRASER: — and I have come to South Park on the trail of the thieves of the donuts of my half-wolf, Diefenbaker.

(Morbidly obese dog rolls in from left)

KYLE: Hey Cartman, you think that’s what you’ve —

(Cartman claps hand over Kyle’s mouth)

CARTMAN: We haven’t seen any donuts here. Guess you’ll have to look someplace else.

KENNY (In a muffled voice): So tell me, Vecchio. Do you like it better up the ass from the dog or the Mountie?

VECCHIO: You little fucker!

FRASER: Ray, language!

KENNY (In a muffled voice): Or do you like blowing the dog instead?

(Vecchio backhands Kenny off the mountain)

STAN: Oh my god! He killed Kenny. You bastard!

VECCHIO: He deserved it. Come on, Benny. Let’s go back to town.



ACT II:

GARRISON: Class, today, I have a special treat for you! Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has kindly offered —

KYLE: How do we know he’s actually a Mountie?

CARTMAN: Yeah! Anybody can dress up in a red coat and call themselves a Mountie.

STAN: No shit. And do you see those buttons on his jacket? They look like fire department buttons, not RCMP buttons.

GARRISON: Class, I assure you that —

CARTMAN: I know how we can tell!

KYLE: How?

CARTMAN: Make him sing. All Mounties can sing. Everyone knows that.

FRASER: Very well.

(Fraser pulls guitar from back of pants and starts singing just as another man, blond and wearing blue jeans and a Bulls shirt, enters the classroom)

Well, I was born up north of Denver
In a land so filled with farts,
That I lost my son Virgil —

KOWALSKI: Oh, man, not the fart song. Anything but the fart song.

KYLE: Who are you?

KOWALSKI: I’m Ray Vecchio.

CARTMAN: No you aren’t. We met Vecchio last night, and you’re not him.

STAN: He killed Kenny. That bastard.

KYLE: Vecchio has dark hair.

CARTMAN: What’s left of it.

KOWALSKI: You never heard of the Hair Dye Club for Men?

STAN: And he has this really big nose.

KOWALSKI: Plastic surgery.

CARTMAN: No way you’re Vecchio, asshole.

GARRISON: Class, this is hardly the —

KOWALSKI: I don’t have time for this. I gotta catch up with my ex so I can get some quality stalking time in. Pitter patter, Fraser. I got a lead on those donuts.

FRASER: Of course Ray.

(Garrison cops a feel of Fraser’s ass as he passes Garrison to leave)



ACT III:

CHEF: These ain’t no donuts. These are my salty balls.

FRASER: Yes, but —

CHEF: Here. Take a lick.

KOWALSKI: Oh no you don’t. You do not lick those things and expect to kiss me later on.

CARTMAN: Hah! You are gay! I knew it!

(Diefenbaker rolls in from right at a high rate of speed, knocking Cartman on his ass).

DIEFENBAKER: Woof!

FRASER: Are you sure?

KOWALSKI: What’s he saying?

FRASER: Apparently, Ray Vecchio has left Diefenbaker for some blond bitch he met early this morning.

KOWALSKI: So he knocked down the kid because of distempered anger?

FRASER: No, he knocked down the kid because the kid is holding Diefenbaker’s donuts. Young man, I think you and I need to have a discussion about the evils of theft.

KOWALSKI: Now you’re in for it.

CHEF (to Fraser, who ignores him): You sure you don’t want to lick my salty balls?

KOWALSKI: Give it up. Once he gets started on stories from the northeast Aries constellation, you can’t get him to stop. Hey — you got any chocolate coffee around here?