Neither due South
nor South Park
is my baby, which is probably just as well, when you consider I’m going to hell for this.ACT I:
CARTMAN: I’m telling you, they’re up here. I can smell them.
STAN: You asshole. You dragged us up the side of the mountain for no reason. I’m going home.
(Two adults appear from left, one with dark hair and a snazzy suit and tie, the other wearing a weird-looking hat and bright red jacket)
FRASER: Excuse me children, I wonder if I might have a word with you.
CARTMAN: Dude! What’s with the red jacket? Are you gay or something?
FRASER: Well, no. At the moment, I’m not particularly happy. My partner, Detective Ray Vecchio —
VECCHIO: Can we get on with this?
FRASER: — and I have come to South Park on the trail of the thieves of the donuts of my half-wolf, Diefenbaker.
(Morbidly obese dog rolls in from left)
KYLE: Hey Cartman, you think that’s what you’ve —
(Cartman claps hand over Kyle’s mouth)
CARTMAN: We haven’t seen any donuts here. Guess you’ll have to look someplace else.
KENNY (In a muffled voice): So tell me, Vecchio. Do you like it better up the ass from the dog or the Mountie?
VECCHIO: You little fucker!
FRASER: Ray, language!
KENNY (In a muffled voice): Or do you like blowing the dog instead?
(Vecchio backhands Kenny off the mountain)
STAN: Oh my god! He killed Kenny. You bastard!
VECCHIO: He deserved it. Come on, Benny. Let’s go back to town.ACT II:
GARRISON: Class, today, I have a special treat for you! Constable Benton Fraser of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police has kindly offered —
KYLE: How do we know he’s actually a Mountie?
CARTMAN: Yeah! Anybody can dress up in a red coat and call themselves a Mountie.
STAN: No shit. And do you see those buttons on his jacket? They look like fire department buttons, not RCMP buttons.
GARRISON: Class, I assure you that —
CARTMAN: I know how we can tell!
CARTMAN: Make him sing. All Mounties can sing. Everyone knows that.
FRASER: Very well.
(Fraser pulls guitar from back of pants and starts singing just as another man, blond and wearing blue jeans and a Bulls shirt, enters the classroom)
Well, I was born up north of Denver
In a land so filled with farts,
That I lost my son Virgil —
KOWALSKI: Oh, man, not the fart song. Anything but the fart song.
KYLE: Who are you?
KOWALSKI: I’m Ray Vecchio.
CARTMAN: No you aren’t. We met Vecchio last night, and you’re not him.
STAN: He killed Kenny. That bastard.
KYLE: Vecchio has dark hair.
CARTMAN: What’s left of it.
KOWALSKI: You never heard of the Hair Dye Club for Men?
STAN: And he has this really big nose.
KOWALSKI: Plastic surgery.
CARTMAN: No way you’re Vecchio, asshole.
GARRISON: Class, this is hardly the —
KOWALSKI: I don’t have time for this. I gotta catch up with my ex so I can get some quality stalking time in. Pitter patter, Fraser. I got a lead on those donuts.
FRASER: Of course Ray.
(Garrison cops a feel of Fraser’s ass as he passes Garrison to leave) ACT III:
CHEF: These ain’t no donuts. These are my salty balls.
FRASER: Yes, but —
CHEF: Here. Take a lick.
KOWALSKI: Oh no you don’t. You do not lick those things and expect to kiss me later on.
CARTMAN: Hah! You are gay! I knew it!
(Diefenbaker rolls in from right at a high rate of speed, knocking Cartman on his ass).
FRASER: Are you sure?
KOWALSKI: What’s he saying?
FRASER: Apparently, Ray Vecchio has left Diefenbaker for some blond bitch he met early this morning.
KOWALSKI: So he knocked down the kid because of distempered anger?
FRASER: No, he knocked down the kid because the kid is holding Diefenbaker’s donuts. Young man, I think you and I need to have a discussion about the evils of theft.
KOWALSKI: Now you’re in for it.
CHEF (to Fraser, who ignores him): You sure you don’t want to lick my salty balls?
KOWALSKI: Give it up. Once he gets started on stories from the northeast Aries constellation, you can’t get him to stop. Hey — you got any chocolate coffee around here?