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Victims of the COA

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Summary: Crack!fic Alert. This is a little nonsense about the ramifications of the COA awards on our favorite characters. A few TTH authors even appear...with their permission of course. Presented by the CoA Ad Council.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Miscellaneous > Freak Parade(Moderator)Saturn + 1 otherFR1541,5641122,13218 Oct 0624 Oct 06Yes

Chapter One

Title: Victims of the COA
Author: Saturn
Rating: FR-15
Pairings: Every one you've ever read in fanfic is implied.
Disclaimer: I claim no ownership to anything Buffy, Stargate, Smallville, Roswell or any other characters in this fic. So that means I am not the copyright holder.
Summary: During the Crossing Over Awards anything can happen. The effects lead to all kinds of interesting problems.
Setting: It's crack!fic. It doesn't matter.
Author's note: What happens when KaylaShay teases Saturn about mis-nominating a female/female pairing for a slash award? More insanity from Saturn. This whole thing sprang from a few AIM discussions with KaylaShay. Add a sprinkle of JoeHundredaire. Then mix in a few bits from jrabbit and Malana. I used a quote that jrabbit made in a review response and the Kitty and Dawn are obviously based on Malana's story Shadow Life (Read it, it's good). There is also Joe-insertion and Kayla-insertion. (That means they appear in the fic you perverts.)



Kitty looked over at Dawn again. They had been driving for about 45 minutes. Dawn just slumped in her seat. Kitty diverted a little of her attention from driving and said, “We're almost there sweety.”

Dawn barely acknowledged Kitty's words. Kitty hoped this group would be able to help them. The last few weeks had been terrible. First Dawn had seemed to forget all about her and their marriage. Then this. It was unnatural. In all her time as an X-man no one had had such a thing happen. Thinking about it again brought her attention back to her too tight underwear. She shifted a bit in her seat but it didn't help.

“Here's the building we want.” Kitty pulled the car into a parking lot of what looked like a school building. After parking the car Kitty got out and went around to the passenger side and opened the door for Dawn. Kitty offered her hand and after a second of hesitation Dawn took it and got out. Hand in hand the two women walked to the double doors at the front of the building.

Once inside they walked up to a directory sign. Many of the numbers were a bit worn from age. They stared for a few minutes trying to decipher the numbers.

“I think that says Room 111,” Dawn said while she was trying to adjust her pants to a more comfortable position. “I wish I had worn sweatpants,” she mumbled.

Still hand in hand the two women headed down the hall following signs for Room 111. After a a few minutes of walking in silence the couple stopped in front of the closed door of Room 111.

Kitty squeezed Dawn's hand one last time. “This is it. Are you sure you're ready for this?”

Dawn nodded and they pushed open the door and walked in just as some guy was saying, “Hi, my name is Dave and I'm a vampire. I haven't drunk human blood or demonstrated an inexplicably gained knowledge of martial arts for 7 weeks.”

As Kitty and Dawn watched the crowd responded in near unison. “Hi Dave,” and began clapping.

Amid all the clapping Dawn started and exclaimed, “SPIKE?!?!”

The clapping died down as all eyes turned to Dawn and Kitty. Standing in front of the group was Spike.

“What are you doing here, Nibblet,” said Spike with a confused look on his face. “You haven't been turned have you?”

Dawn looked aghast. “OF COURSE NOT! This is the Victims of the COA right?”

Spike chuckled. “No luv this is Vampire's Anonymous. You want Room 117. And let me tell you...that room is a madhouse right now. Good Luck.” Spike started to turn back to his group members. “Now if you don't mind excusing us we have important things to discuss with Dave here. He's been blood free for 7 weeks and we're bloody proud of him.”


As they made a hasty exit Kitty whispered, “Was that a whole room of Vampires? In the daytime?”

Dawn, who seemed a little more alert & confident from when they arrived replied with “Yeah...vampires. And to answer your question they probably used the sewers.”
They walked down the hall passing a few more doors until the finally stopped in front one that said 117. Next to it was a sign on a stand that said 'Victims of the COA Support Group.'

She looked over and met Kitty's eyes. “After the whole amnesia thing and waking up married to a mutant woman I thought that us suddenly getting these 'extra appendages' would be the last straw. But no matter what happens we will deal with it.”

Kitty hugged Dawn tightly. “I love you Dawnie.”

They broke the hug and turned to the door and slowly opened it. On the other side was mayhem. Everyone inside was so busy yelling and glaring they didn't notice the door open.

Oh my God thought Dawn as she stared at the people in the room. Buffy was there, Xander, Willow, and a few people she didn't recognize. There was a young well muscled guy that looked like he just stepped off a farm in Kansas. There was a tall blond wearing a Roswell High t-shirt. There were even a couple of older guys in military clothes. There was even a scowling, dark and brooding guy with greasy looking black hair and black robes. All the way in the back was a young guy wearing a top hat and a kilt.

Buffy was busy yelling at all the guys. “All right, for the last time. None of you guys is my real father. I don't care what some crazy adoption agency letter or owl told you! I mean, how gross. I had sex with you Daniel, so I hope you're not my real father,” she said towards the younger military guy wearing glasses.

Xander jumped up. “At least you're getting some from the opposite sex! All I get besides every person in this room being my “real father” is randomly waking up in a bed with every guy out there. I even woke up with Spike!”

The girl in the Roswell High t-shirt started yelling too. “At least you are getting some attention. Nobody even knows I exist. Nobody cares about aliens anymore! We got dropped and replaced by two guys in an Impala!”

The yelling continued for a few more minutes as Kitty and Dawn watched in stunned silence. Everybody had something to add or some reason they were upset. Willow cried when she said that she kept getting killed and that she even had a house dropped on her by Supergirl. When Xander wasn't busy yelling he was busy pushing guys away that kept trying to grope him. Suddenly there was a lull in the screaming and the farm boy who was still seated said, “At least you guys don't have people trying to find out about some imaginary sister named Claire. I might as well be chopped liver.”

As the insanity started up again the girl in the Roswell High shirt grabbed the hand of the farm boy. “Come on Clark, I've had enough of this. I know how we can get some attention...hot steamy rated X alien sex in the closet! Then maybe we won't be second best anymore.” They disappeared into a broom closet which was closely followed by quite loud moaning.

“Oh Isabel!” was heard from the closet.

Most of the others hadn't noticed except the guy in the top hat and kilt. He jumped out of his chair and threw his hat onto the ground. “That was supposed to be Claire and Isabel in the closet! Who wrote that?!? I demand a rewrite!”

Dawn and Kitty had had enough of all these people and their problems. Dawn stepped a little ahead of Kitty and yelled at the top of her lungs. “SHUT UP. ALL OF YOU!”

As silence descended onto the room all eyes turned to the pair of women. The closet door sprung open and the two barely clothed aliens peered out.

“Dawn? What are you doing here,” asked Buffy.

Dawn looked at all of them a second before replying. “Listen to all of you. Crying about everything. Nobody in this room has had any irreversible damage done to them. Kitty and I should be the ones crying!”

Willow looked at Dawn oddly. “What do you mean? You guys look OK to me.”

Dawn and Kitty looked at each other and seemed to come to some kind of mutual agreement as they nodded in unison. They looked back out at everybody watching. In almost a choreographed manner the pulled their pants and underwear down to their knees.

A collective gasp went up from everybody watching. Buffy and Xander both fainted. The older military guy looked over to Daniel and asked in an almost conversational tone. “Daniel, are those penises? Those ARE girls right?”

Daniel squinted through his glasses. “Um. Yeah Jack, those appear to be penises.”

Just then a previously unnoticed young woman who was wearing a name badge that said Kayla stood up and shook her head. “Poor Dawn and Kitty. Look what the COA has done to them.”

THE END
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