…That Should Not Be
Series: Seven X
Author: Anime Ronin
Idea Creator: Cyclone_Knight
Summary: The surreal isn’t just for Sunnydale anymore…
Disclaimer: I own nothing. *pokes Cyc* He owns nothing either.
AN: Cyc came up with the idea but, as he has so much on his plate, I’m writing it.
AN2: (for Cyclone_Knight) Inspiration for this fic came from the Unity Saga and Siege’s ‘Prometheus-verse’. Have to give credit where credit is due…
(Voyager – Sickbay)
“You know, this really isn’t necessary. I had a physical just a few days ago and my doctor said I was as healthy as a horse,” Xander said as a bald man in a black and blue uniform ran something over him over and over again. He then looked over at the half-dozen people who were dressed in yellow and black and their grim faces, “I mean, sure, there was a little misunderstanding at first, but I’m harmless. Trust me.”
“Given what the holoprogram says about you, Mr. Harris,” the bald guy said with a rather arrogant tone, “I hope you’ll not take issue with it if I don’t believe you.”
Xander glared at him, “I’m human, god damn it! Stop talking about me like I’m not supposed to exist.”
“From our vantage point, you’re NOT supposed to exist,” the doctor pointed out.
“Said the pot to the kettle,” Xander zinged back without missing a beat. “Try and think about this from MY point of view, alright?”
“I’d prefer not to, thank you very much,” the doctor said with a tone of distaste.
Xander blinked, “Was that a joke?” He looked at the dark-skinned Vulcan that had found him in the Holodeck, “Did he just make a joke?”
The Vulcan said nothing but arched an eyebrow.
Xander sighed, “That’s right, you have all of the humor of a stone wall. Silly me for asking if you knew he was joking.”
“On the contrary,” the Vulcan said suddenly, “I am sure that in the limited human sense of the term, the Doctor was quite humorous.”
The Doctor chuckled as he continued his scan, “See? Lt. Commander Tuvok has a well-refined sense of humor.” The glare that his patient sent at him was one that, as the old Earth saying went, could peel paint, but as he was a hologram…
“How is he, Doctor?”
“He’ll live,” came the slightly flippant reply.
“Gee, really? I’m so glad to hear that,” his hologram-made-flesh patient said in a mocking deadpan.
The Doctor ignored his patient, “According to my scans, he’s healthy. In fact, he’s disgustingly healthy, given the time and place he came from, but that is not to say that he’s perfectly healthy.”
“Gee, could you vague that up a little, Doc?”
The Doctor glared down at his patient, a glare that had cowed many insolent crewmen before. It had no effect as the young man returned the glare in kind, “Very well. You have many irregularities in your bone structure, places that have sustained injuries and were never allowed to heal properly, and there is evidence of no less than three mild to moderate concussions. You should have seen a doctor about them, young man.”
Xander snorted, “I DID, and all it got me was a visit from CPS.”
“Continue, Doctor,” Lt. Commander Tuvok said in a monotone way.
“Very well, Lt. Commander. Mr. Harris has all of the signs of someone who has been in a very physically taxing routine of actions, his ribs and the joints in his hands are of particular concern to me, and all in all he’s lucky to be alive. Fortunately, though, he has a miracle of medical technology to assist him in getting healthy – me.”
“No, no ego there at all,” Xander said with a dry tone.
“It is not ‘ego’ if I am that good, Mr. Harris, and I AM that good.” The Doctor shuffled off for a moment and came back with a hypospray, “Now, this will help you-“
Xander rolled off the bio-bed and jerked back, “Nope, not going to happen. I’ve seen the show and when you put that to someone’s neck, its nighty-night fence post.”
The Doctor rolled his eyes, “I am a physician, Mr. Harris, and I do not do anything that would harm anyone. This is merely a mild anesthetic that will alleviate the pain you are undoubtedly feeling in your wrist and hands.”
“I work with my hands for a living, Doc – I’m used to the pain.”
“Which you wouldn’t have if you would have visited a medical care center,” the Doctor said as he reached over to inject his reluctant patient, only to have the hypospray batted away. He gave a very put-upon sigh, “MUST you be so violent?”
“It’s what has kept me alive so far, Doc, so forgive me if I don’t feel like changing what’s worked.”
The Doctor sighed, “Lt. Commander, if you please?”
(Captain Janeway’s Office)
Seven of Nine watched as Commander Chakotay and Captain Janeway both looked at her as if she had grown a second head and it was arguing with her. Honestly, she had expected worse.
Katherine shook herself out of her shock and assumed a very disappointed look, “Seven, tell me you didn’t just say what I think you said.”
“If you are referring to my relationship with Xander, then I must tell you that you heard me correctly.”
Katherine sighed and wanted to rest her head on the desk, “Seven, WHY? This is by no means healthy and it’s borderline illegal, given the age that you started this with him.”
Seven shook her head, “At the time, Captain, he was a holodeck program, a non-sentient being, and the laws of the Federation state that such interactions between people are not only legal, but in some cultures it is deemed healthy.”
Commander Chakotay shook his head, holding up a hand, “We’re not here to debate the morality of the age of consent, Seven, we’re here to discuss the fact that Mr. Harris has somehow come back with you this time. Do you have any explanations as to how this happened?”
Again Seven shook her head, “Not at this time, Commander. Sensor logs from that time frame are damaged from the explosion in the shuttle bay and Ensign Kim says it will be several more hours before he’s able to reconstruct them.” She paused and narrowed her eyes, “However, I must say that things are ‘wiggy’ in this respect.”
Katherine arched an eyebrow, “’Wiggy’?”
“As opposed to FUBAR, Captain,” Seven expanded.
Chakotay and Katherine looked at one another for a moment before they let the comment slide, the latter sighing, “Seven, we need to have a very long and serious talk about this… incident. Commander, if you’ll excuse us?” Commander Chakotay left and Katherine decided to give in and rested her head on her desk, “Seven, all science and speculation aside, what in the hell is going on?”
Seven opened her mouth to reply but the chime on the Captain’s door rang and the person or people on the other side were allowed entrance. Xander walked in first, a fact that brought a smile to Seven’s face, dressed in a black jumpsuit and looking quite surly about it, followed by Lt. Commander Tuvok, but while Seven was glad to see Xander, something was amiss. Lt. Commander Tuvok’s left eye was swelling shut at that point, as if he’d been hit with something rather large and very hard.
“What in the hell happened to your eye, Tuvok?”
“Mr. Harris required assistance in taking a hypospray from the Doctor, Captain, and he… resisted.”
Seven rolled her eyes as a teasing quip of, “I thought I told you to play nice, Xander,” came past her lips.
Xander snorted, “He’s still walking, Seven. For me, that _IS_ playing nice.”
Seven shook her head and looked back at the Captain, “To your earlier question, Captain, I… I do not know.”
Katherine waved off the answer and glared at the hologram-made-flesh, “I would appreciate it greatly if you not attack my crewmembers anymore, Mr. Harris.”
“Tell them to keep their bloody hands to themselves and I will! I said no and, where I come from, no means no,” came the rather surly reply.
Katherine looked at Tuvok and sighed, “That will be all, Tuvok.”
“I must protest, Captain. Mr. Harris is a very dangerous person and I cannot leave him in here alone, let alone armed.”
“Armed?” Katherine blinked and looked at Xander, who blushed and produced a phaser from the back of his jumpsuit, which prompted her to look at Tuvok and notice that his phaser holster was empty, “Now, don’t do anything rash, Mr. Harris…”
Xander rolled his eyes and tossed the weapon towards the door, “Please, if I wanted to hurt someone, I’d space them out the nearest airlock I could find, Captain. I’m as in the dark about how this happened and, quite frankly, violence isn’t the answer.”
“An odd thing for you to say, given the levels of violence you have used already,” Tuvok said as he retrieved the phaser.
“Given the levels of violence I’m capable of, this isn’t particularly violent.”
“Dismissed, Tuvok,” Katherine said, ending the discussion. Once her second officer left, she looked at the former holoprogram, who stood at something akin to parade rest, and then looked at Seven, “He’s taking this rather well.”
“Believe me, I’m not, Captain, and you can talk to me directly instead of about me as if I’m not even here.”
Katherine blinked, “I’m sorry, it’s just… this is a little surreal, even for us.”
“Surreal for you? How do you think I feel? Within a few hours, I discover that I'm not real, that I'm a hologram, and that I'm on a starship that I _thought_ was just a favorite TV show of mine!"
“TV show?” Katherine echoed as she arched her eyebrow in an oh-so-familiar way, “That’s interesting.” She smiled, a rare moment of self-image coming over her, “Did the woman who played me look beautiful?”
“It’s hard to find a Star Trek female lead character who is hard on the eyes, Captain.” Xander then smiles, “Though Kate Mulgrew doesn’t have anything on you, Captain.”
Katherine blushed a little at the obvious flirting tone in his voice even as she noticed Seven pout a little, “And Seven?”
Xander saw the trap and shook his head, “While Jeri Ryan is nice, Seven is… perfection.”
‘Nice save,’ Katherine thought as Seven beamed almost instantly. “You know I have to ask this, Mr. Harris-“
“Xander,” Seven said quickly.
Katherine nodded, “Xander, but do we ever make it home?”
Xander frowned at that, thinking of the series and how the ship got home, “Captain… aw, hell.”
Xander shook his head at the worried Captain, “I’m from an alternate reality, Captain, and I’ve seen your entire series… but I’m not sure if anything I can say will help you.”
“How is that?”
Xander shook his head, “I’m not sure, but I don’t know WHEN I am in this series, so anything I say can and probably would alter what you would do. It’s…” he thought for a minute and then sighed, “it’s something called the Temporal Prime Directive-“
“Yes, I’ve heard of it, Mr… Xander.”
“So, you’ve met Braxton, I take it?” The Captain nodded and Xander sighed, “Alright, so that narrows it down. So, do you really want to know, Captain?”
Janeway thought about it for a few moments but eventually shook her head, “About the future, no, but I do want to know what you know about our past, and we can then see how your television show differs from our reality.”
Xander nodded, “Cool. So… any ideas as to how I got here?”
Katherine shook her head, “No, we were hoping you would have a few.”
Xander shrugged, “Well, if this were my reality… or, well, if my reality were actually real, I’d say magic is the culprit, but as we’re not sure…”
Katherine blinked for a few seconds before a few things fell into place and she growled, “I don’t like where this is leading.”
“What is it, Captain?”
“Something happens that has no rhyme or reason, something very odd and quite impossible, and who is to blame most of the time?”
Seven and Xander both growled a little, “Q.” Xander, however, went on as he looked up, “Get your cosmic ass down here so we can kick it.”
A flash of light filled the room and a man in a red Starfleet uniform and Captain’s pips was suddenly sitting in Katherine’s lap, “You called, Kathy?”
“Speak of the Devil and he appears,” Xander said darkly, anger filling his voice.
Q snorted, getting out of Katherine’s lap, “Please, you humans think so highly… or would that be lowly… of Satan. Let me assure you that He’s not HALF as imaginative as you think he is.”
“Cut the antics, Q,” Katherine said with a harsh tone in her voice. “Is Xander’s being here YOUR idea of a joke?”
Q turned and put on a very innocent expression as he pointed to himself, “Moi? Would I EVER do anything like that, Kathy?”
“Yes,” came the deadpan answer to Seven.
Q smiled, “True, I would, but this time I’m not involved.”
Several seconds passed before a very low, very angry voice came from Xander, "So, who? And I swear to God, if that jackass Whistler's involved, I'm gonna take a page from Buffy's book and wear his ribcage as a hat."
Q sniffed, “Oh, don’t get so worked up over this, Alexander, it’s not like it’s the end of the world.”
“No, it’s just the end of mine.”
“Touché,” Q allowed.
Xander suddenly shifted gears as the face rang a bell, “Say, did you ever play an NID agent in another universe?”
Q snorted, “Please, as if I would ever lower myself to portraying a mere HUMAN in another universe.”
Xander didn’t miss a beat, “Yet you assume our form and, when you were kicked out of the Continuum, you chose to become a human. What would Sigmund Freud say about that, eh?”
Q looked at the new human and, after a moment, threw his head back and laughed heartily. When he calmed down, he looked at Katherine, “See, Kathy-dearest? Here’s proof of something I’ve thought about your race all along.”
Katherine sighed, “And that would be?”
“Humans once had a sense of humor. Sure, it wasn’t much of one, and you’ve managed to breed it out of your race over the past few centuries, but you once had one.”
Xander growled, "So, what _am_ I doing here, Q?"
The cosmic being, also called a cosmic pain in the ass in certain circles, grinned, "That... would be telling."
Xander snorted, "Should I be looking for Rod Serling now?"
Q sniffed, “There’s no need to be insulting, young man.” With that, he grinned and raised his hand, “Just remember this, Alexander – no history is written in stone.” He snapped his fingers and vanished in a flash of light.
Xander paused, blinked, and looked at Katherine, “Say, is he always that annoying?”
Katherine snorted, “No, that was rather straight-forward for him, Alexander. Did you get anything out of that?”
Xander nodded with a grin, “Yeah, I did – he basically told me to fuck the Temporal Prime Directive and tell you everything.”
Katherine blinked, “Is that what you got out of it?”
Xander shrugged and walked over to Seven, putting his hand on her shoulder, “That’s what I’m getting out of it, yes. Long story short, Captain, Voyager gets home.”
Katherine blinked at him, “We are?”
He nodded, “Yeah, you are. There’s two ways that I know of that this happens, either a grand total of seven years or in twenty three years and a lot of bodies. I… I can’t tell you which one is going to happen here, Captain, but… if you do choose the short-cut, don’t tell Harry, alright?”
Katherine nodded, confused, though, “I’ll read your report, then, Mr. Harris. Now …I have to ask – do you intend to continue your relationship with Seven?”
“If she’ll have me,” Xander said immediately.
Seven reached up and patted his hand, “I believe I will, Xander. We have… too much invested in one another to quit now.”
“Then I’ll suggest you both take it easy and slow for a bit. It’s… different, here in the real world,” Katherine advised. Xander nodded and she went on, “So, tell me, Alexander, what skills can you bring to the crew?”
Xander smirked a little and started to open his mouth to say something smart, but the door to the office opened and two people walked in – the first was a young girl, maybe seven years old or so, and she was easily identifiable as Naomi. The other was older, female, but still pretty in that she held her age well, a smile on her lips and her ears were slightly elongated as she spoke, “Captain, I hear we have a new guest.”
Katherine smiled, “Yes, we do. Kes, I’d like you to meet Alexander Harris, the-“
“Hologram made flesh, yes, I know,” Kes said with a smile.
“How is that?”
“Scuttlebutt, Captain. It flies around the ship at Warp 10.”
Xander stood there, though, ignoring the by-play as he stared at the older woman, “Alright, this is new.”
Seven stood and frowned, “What is?”
Xander pointed at Kes, “Isn’t she supposed to be Ascended or something?”
AN: Alright, story two is in the can. We have proof that things are not as Xander knows them to be… which will make any and everything he can tell them somewhat suspect. Comments? Criticisms? Reviews, please.