Chapter Five

“And you’ve been doing this since you were fifteen? How old are you now?” Rodney asked incredulously.

“Rodney, you should know better. A gentleman never asks a woman about her age or her weight. It’s just not done,” Buffy chided playfully.

“Why not?” Ronon asked looking completely serious for a moment before a slight grin broke out on his face.

Buffy threw a pillow at him and Teyla rolled her eyes.

She had given them the general overview of what she knew about Watchers and Slayers and the kinds of things that she’d gone up against in the past but didn’t delve into things too deeply. For one, it would take too long. Another reason was that a lot of it was just too painful to dredge up over and over. The past was in the past as far as those things were concerned and she didn’t want to dwell on them. She had done that enough already.

As they stood up to leave Buffy heard another person at the door.

“See ya tomorrow,” Ronon said as he headed for the door with Teyla and Rodney.

“Yes, goodnight,” Rodney added and Teyla nodded her goodnight as well.

When they left, Sheppard was standing outside her door.

“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” he said lightly as he stepped through the opening.

“You missed out on the pillow fights. Rodney is better at it than you’d think, other than that your pretty well caught up,” Buffy joked and sat on the end of her bed.

John took his usual seat at her desk chair and rolled it closer to her. “I came by to see how you’re doing. I thought they’d be coming by to find out more about the whole slayer thing. How did it go?”

“Peachy with a side of keen. They took it a lot better than I would have expected them to. Rodney had his moments, but you know how he is,” she answered.

“If he’s not an expert on something, then his world is a little rocked. As for Ronon and Teyla, they’ve dealt with the Wraith their entire lives. I think that it’s just easier for them to accept hearing about vampires and stuff than it is for the rest of us.”

“You’re probably right,” she said. “Did you have something on your mind, John,” she asked. They had a habit of seeing each other after traumatic events but no one had died today, they hadn’t lost anything or anyone. That meant he was there because of their new discovery.

“I saw Elizabeth in the hallway and she’s giving the recon mission on the planet to another team,” he said in a businesslike tone.

“What? Why? I’m the best person to be checking into this stuff,” she asked. If anything, this whole mission belonged to her.

“Elizabeth understands that. The problem was that you let your anger get the best of you when we were talking to Lisva. She thinks it would be best if another team handled things there for awhile. A team that could be a little more objective. She’s looking out for your safety, Buffy,” he said.

She couldn’t deny that she had a feeling of immediate dislike towards Lisva and that dislike seemed to be validated when he told his story. She just didn’t like that she wasn’t going to be hands on with it.

“So another team is going to gather intel on the ‘cultural history’ of the place. What are we going to do until they’re finished?”

She was ticked but there wasn’t much she could do about it … at least not at that second.

John leaned back in his chair and seemed to relax instantly upon hearing her words.

“Business as usual. There are still other planets that we need to visit to find out if they’re likely to trade with us and find out if there’s another ZPM floating out there somewhere,” he said, relief that she was going to go along with Elizabeth’s plan clear in his voice.

“Fine,” she said and ran her hands through her hair in aggravation. Elizabeth was in charge of everyone here. If this was what she wanted to happen then there was no way she would be able to go against her without causing some serious morale issues. Plus, she’d never get off planet without using the Stargate and it wasn’t like that would be easy to do by herself.

Buffy didn’t really have much else to say but she could tell John was having trouble with something. He had mussed up his hair beyond repair before he got there and he had his ‘something’ face on. It wasn’t really an expression that he had but it was a look that he got in his eyes. He was good at hiding it but it was something that people in their position had learned to perfect. After all, they were both used to having people under their command and those people depended on them always being 100% sure about things, never having any doubts or fears.

He scooted his chair so close to Buffy that his knees were touching the end of her bed and grabbed her hands, much like she did to him the last time they’d had one of their ‘talks’. It was one of those things that comforted him more than it did her; he always seemed to need to be moving or occupied. The fact that it came so easy to her, that giving of comfort to him, it brought up feelings that she didn’t want to deal with. These were the only times that they ever touched like this because it was a lot easier to guard themselves from each other around others than when they were alone. But at the same time, even though they were both more vulnerable alone together, she found herself falling to sleep for days afterward thinking about they way he looked in the dim light of their rooms and the way he let a little more of what he was really feeling show on his face every time they were together that way.

The way he was when he was just with her and the way he was when they were around others was just so different.

“I was worried about you today,” he said, breaking the comfortable silence that had enveloped them.

“At the table you grabbed my hand,” Buffy said. “That was pretty forward of you John. You wouldn’t have done that for Teyla.”

“You’re not Teyla,” he said quietly.

“John, that isn’t funny,” she said and looked away from him.

John examined her face for a moment, smiled and shook his head. “Honestly I wasn’t sure if I was trying to hold you back or reassure you. Either way, it was under the table, no one saw it happen.”

“I wouldn’t have attacked a feeble old man. The problem was that the way he was talking … John, I think he’s a Watcher,” she said the last in a rush. Like if maybe she said it faster then it wouldn’t be so real.

John’s hands jerked around hers. “I’m taking it you aren’t referring to the cuddly Watchers that are around now but the more ‘traditional’ ones?” he asked.

Buffy nodded and started playing with Johns fingers.

He sighed. “This is just another reason why you should wait awhile in claiming that ZPM. We can’t lose you here. I can’t lose you.”

“Yeah, cuz then who would you have to talk to when the shit hit the fan?” she asked trying to laugh the gravity of the matter off.

John wouldn’t let her.

“It’s more than that and you know it,” he said seriously. So seriously that Buffy couldn’t play around it anymore.

“John, we can’t do this,” she said resolutely.

“Why not?” he inquired. “You’re the one that always reminds me that you aren’t on my team, just a straggler that comes along on most of our missions. That gets rid of the whole issue of you being under my command. The only person you answer to here is Elizabeth and sometimes Dr. Beckett. What makes it so impossible for us to be together?”

His reasoning was a bit flimsy but she didn’t think they’d have any real problems with circumventing the issues that would prevent them getting together. At least the one’s he brought up. He wasn’t thinking about the other things that would be a problem.

“Atlantis may be a big place but we don’t have so many people living here that this won’t get blown out of proportion. You are in charge of the military here, John. The gossip would be out of control,” she said, trying to make him understand. It wasn’t like he was just another grunt. Whatever actions he took, people knew and they judged him for it.

“I can handle it and so can you,” he said and leaned forward. “Look at the way we’re living here, Buffy. We’re isolated from everything. We’re surrounded by cold water and metal and the only way we’re making it is because we have one another. Who do we go to when things are rough? Each other. No one else. We trust and care about each other more than anyone else here. We didn’t contrive it to be that way or anything else, that’s just the way it is.”

“That’s true but what if everything gets ruined? There’s no avoiding anyone here, let alone each other,” she said.

Why am I even contemplating this? she asked herself.

“I can’t guarantee that things will work out in the end. I can’t guarantee anything here,” John said and stood up. He started walking back and forth across her room and Buffy got up to push the chair he was in back over by the desk. She didn’t think he would be staying for much longer.

“All I’m asking is that you give us a chance to be happy. There’s something between us and I can’t ignore it anymore. Not even for you. I have to be able to put my guard down every once in awhile or I’ll go crazy and the only person I can do that around is you,” he said, frustrated.

His eyes were burning holes into her waiting for her to say something, give him a sign that he wasn’t alone in this. It had taken an incredible amount of courage for John to tell her that but it didn’t surprise her that he did. For all her slayer strength, John was the strong one because she didn’t think she’d ever be able to be the first to admit something like that.

Buffy closed her eyes, unable to endure his stare any longer. John must have taken that as a sign of rejection because he brushed past her toward the door after a moment of her silence. The thought of him leaving her now scared her because if he left right now, in this moment, Buffy knew that she would lose him for good.

“Don’t go,” she said right before the door opened for him and turned to face him.

He stopped and turned around. There were several expressions that showed through his face at that moment: anger, hope, sadness. He walked back to her and slowly, carefully put his arms around her, afraid that she might bolt if he didn’t. Buffy breathed in the scent of him, all warm and masculine, before resting her head on his chest and wrapping her own arms around him.

“We’ve crossed a line here tonight,” John said to the top of her head. “We can’t just come back from this.”

“I know,” she whispered. Now that she had finally given herself permission to have something with him she luxuriated in the feeling of being held. It had been so long since someone just held her. Over a year …

Buffy looked up at him then, resting her chin on his sternum. “Maybe we can keep this quiet for a little while?” she asked. “I’m not saying we hide anything, just that we don’t wear bulletin boards that scream ‘coupledom’.”

“We can try but I think the usual suspects will figure it out sooner rather than later. And once Rodney knows he’ll probably blurt it out by accident to Zelenka and who knows where it’ll go from there,” he said mock distraught.

“Well, darn,” she joked.

“Never mind, we can’t let this information leak. I think we need to find another planet with one of those beaches you like and hide. You do have a bikini lying around here somewhere, right?” he asked and craned his neck to look around the room.

Buffy rebuked him by pinching his rear end.

“Hey!” he said, startled. Buffy looked up at him innocently and grinned.

“Is there a problem?”

“Not from where I’m standing,” he said and bent his head closer to hers. He brought one hand up to tenderly cup the side of her face and gently touched his lips to hers. Buffy glided her hands up his arms and rested her arms over his shoulders as he deepened the kiss and pulled her closer to him. Their first kiss was short but very sweet. When they pulled away from each other they were both smiling.

“Well,” John said, “I think we made the right choice here, don’t you?”

Buffy almost giggled at his silliness. Almost.

“I think so. After all, I’m a great kisser. You’d have been missing out on a lot if you didn’t have me around,” she joked.

“On that you’re right,” he said, his eyes deceptively serious as his hands roamed down her body and started tickling her ribs.

Between the laughter and trying to get out of his grasp, they ended up sprawled out sideways on her bed. Finally John let up on her and they both just laid there trying to regain their breath. Buffy rolled over and put her head on his shoulder while tossing an arm across him.

“Crap,” Buffy said.

John took the hand that Buffy had on his chest and put his own on top of it while wrapping his arm around her shoulders. “What?”

“I think I could get used to this,” she said quietly.

“So could I,” John said.

The last thing Buffy remembered before falling asleep that night was the feeling of John’s fingers gently tracing up and down her arm and thinking that after all the nights that she had been left feeling cold on Atlantis, she finally felt warm.