Chapter One

Disclaimer: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Stargate: Atlantis. Set post s7 Buffy & s2 SGA.

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Buffy heard a muffled “Come in,” from the other side of the door and walked in slowly. It wasn’t the first time she had been in John's room and it wouldn’t be the last, she couldn’t help but think how different his personal space was from the image he portrayed to everyone else. On the outside, Sheppard was a sarcastic; devil may care flyboy who had issues following orders. Sure, he had his moments of brilliance and insight that surprised people every once in awhile but no one really thought past that. Buffy hadn’t either really until after Colonel Sumner died.

That was the first time she’d gone to see him. She’d been on that mission too and wanted to see how he was handling the mantle of leadership. It had been an impersonal conversation at best but Buffy had learned a lot about Sheppard in the few moments that their conversation lasted. He had the typical career military persona down pat but his personal quarters showed a hidden depth. Leaning against the wall he had a guitar that looked like it was hardly ever put in its case, there were a couple very thick books stacked neatly on his desk, a picture of him as a child with a man who was probably his father, a poster of the legendary Johnny Cash, a skateboard and what looked to be a wake board. It was Spartan given its size and everything was very neat and tidy but those flashes of personality just shone through.

He was a lighthearted, creative and adventurous guy at heart. And like her, he had built a fortress around his heart made of the strongest stone.

That was another reason that she had gone to see him. There were several people on Atlantis who knew what she was but mostly only those in command positions. Since Colonel Sumner death, Major Sheppard had become one of the people who had the right to know. She knew that the day after she spoke with him he questioned Dr. Weir on the situation to make sure that everything was on the up and up and that was cool. After going to another planet, another galaxy believing in vampires and demons probably didn’t sound so far fetched anymore but it wasn’t something she really expected him to believe right away. It had taken a couple missions with him before she knew he realized the truth totally.

It had been in that first meeting that Buffy and John’s friendship was defined. They were both thrust into situations they weren't sure they were ready for, now they would be there for each other. No matter what.

John was lying on his bed with an open copy of ‘War and Peace’ tossed to the side of him and an exhausted look on his face when she walked in. She could tell right away that going for a run hadn’t helped him unwind at all and that the book was a last ditch effort.

“How’re you doing?” she asked him as she pulled the chair from the desk closer to the bed and sat down.

What a stupid question to ask at a time like this, she thought as she watched him quirk one side of his mouth up, but she kept eye contact with him.

“I’d be better if I had a cold beer and a football game I haven’t watched fifty times, but I’ll live,” he answered with his trademark levity. He was Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard after all. He was the leader and the leader couldn’t show weakness no matter how much he was hurting.

She knew exactly how he felt. She’d been in his position before.

“I’m talking about what happened with Ford yesterday,” she clarified. It was just like him to shrug off an uncomfortable conversation.

He sat up a little straighter and he put his ‘game face’ on. The one that wasn’t quite blank but didn’t give anything away either. It was too bad for him that she knew him too well for that to work.

“Ford walked into that beam and I should be able to say he’s dead, but I’m not ready to give up on the kid. He’s resilient, especially hopped up on that enzyme. I wouldn’t be surprised if he showed up again sometime soon.”

Buffy smiled sadly at John. He wasn’t going to give up on Lieutenant Ford until he saw a body. She understood that but if the kid never showed up again she couldn’t even begin to imagine what that would do to him.

“Okay. So, now that you’ve gotten that out of your system how about you tell me what’s really going on in that brain of yours? I’ve half convinced Rodney that you have more intelligence than a mosquito but if you think that I’m buying that load of crap you just tried to sell me I might have to start agreeing with him.”

“Hey! I passed the Mensa, he knows I’m smart!” John said mock indignant.

Buffy shrugged her shoulders and waited. She was exhausted and wanted to crawl into bed when she finished her work but she thought John might need someone to talk to and as far as she knew, he didn’t discuss this stuff with anyone else but her.

John swallowed and swung his legs over the side of his bed so he could sit facing her. So he wouldn’t feel at such a disadvantage.

“Ford preferred to face the Wraith rather than trust me to help him,” he answered heavily, his gaze never leaving hers.

She could see the warning in his body language, the way he held himself just then. The way he looked at her. It all screamed ‘Run Away’.

He rubbed his hand over his face and continued with self-loathing. “I lost him. I failed him.”

“John,” she whispered, calling him by his first name now. It wasn’t something they usually did outside their quarters with each other. She took his hands in hers and marveled at the differences they had. Hers were deceptively petit and soft while his were big and callused. Ironic, that, they were so alike and no one would be able to tell from looking at them.

“You didn’t fail him. He made his own choices. As for yesterday, I would have done the same thing,” she said quietly. She was afraid she would break the semi-open atmosphere between them if she spoke any louder.

John made a sound somewhere between a bark of laughter and a sarcastic snort then. “I doubt you would have tried to incapacitate someone on your team, Buffy,” he remarked tiredly.

Buffy pulled away and started pacing his room. The only way he was going to get out of his funk was if he really believed her and this story was hard for her to tell.

“Five or six years before I left for Atlantis, the other Slayer, Faith, went a little wild. She had an accident and she was confused, ashamed … scared. She didn’t know how to handle what was going on. Sound familiar?” she asked.

John shed himself of his self pity for a moment to listen to her talk. “I guess you could say that would describe Ford since he got shot up with the enzyme.”

Buffy nodded and picked a rare knickknack off his counter. It was one of those balls that the Athosian children had brought to Atlantis and she began to toss it from one hand to the other as she paced.

“Faith wasn’t on anything, but she made a mistake, a big one. One that there was no coming back from really, but I tried to help her. My mistake was that I didn’t tell anyone what she had done until it was too late. If I had maybe things would have turned out differently,” she shook her head, moving on from her reflections on that particular thought. “Long story short, she and I ended up fighting each other on top of a roof towards the end of that particular chapter of the ‘Freaky Faith’ period and I had her in a situation where I would win the fight,” she paused and looked Sheppard in the eyes then. This was the important part. This was the part that he needed to hear. “I stabbed her in the gut with her own knife. After I did that she smiled at me and jumped off the roof.”

That wasn’t exactly how it went but what she told him was the part that he needed to hear most.

They continued sitting in silence for a moment as John processed what she said. She sat back down in front of him and waited.

“Did she die?” he asked.

“No,” she answered, “she was in a coma for almost a year though.”

Sheppard sighed and took her hands in his this time.

“I guess I can see where you’re coming from,” he amended, “but I can’t help but think I could have handled the situation better.”

“Yeah, and next time you will.”

He smiled then, that same smile that had many women all over the galaxy swooning after him and she knew he felt a little better, a little less guilty, because this smile wasn’t one he could fake even if he practiced in front of a mirror. Which, coincidently, she wouldn’t put past him.

She got up to leave and was stopped when he took hold of her elbow.

“What about you?” he asked quickly.

She raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

“You’re on my team too. You were injured yesterday,” he explained, his voice a bit strained.

At once Buffy understood what the problem was. Although Buffy wasn’t technically on anybody’s team, she had taken a liking to going on missions with John and his team. Before she’d go with any old team that was going to a world that looked interesting but there just didn’t seem to be the same chemistry, the same understanding between the other teams and her as she seemed to have with Sheppard, Teyla and Rodney. So about a year or so ago she just gave in and went with them whenever she felt like going off world for her ‘work’. To John, everyone who was with him off world was his responsibility and she knew how much it cut at a person to know those they were meant to look after were going to get hurt sometimes. But there wasn’t anything he’d be able to do about it.

“Oh, that was nothing,” she said blithely. “Nothing that Dr. Beckett couldn’t patch up real quick, at least. Plus, you know, I have the whole Slayer healing thing going for me. And I’m not really on your team John. I just tag along. You’re not responsible for what happens to me while I gather intel on local fighting techniques. If you take that responsibility, you’ll end up feeling guilty over every little cut and bruise I get doing my job and that would be a whole lot of unnecessary and misplaced guilt.”

She smiled taking his concern in stride but also started inching toward his door. The last couple times they’d had one of their ‘talks’ a subject of a more personal nature was hinted at and it scared her, she wasn't ready for that. It would be difficult to have a romantic relationship on Atlantis. Actually, difficult was too mild a word, even without her history.

“I know but... it’s getting harder to deal with going off world knowing that you’re most likely going to come back injured, even though you have the whole slayer thing going for you. At least with the others there’s a chance that they won’t get injured, if we don't screw up. You get out there to fight on purpose.”

“Everyone who goes off world takes a chance,” she said and pulled her arm away. “How can I learn about how they fight unless I spar with them? It's my job and I don’t ever get really hurt; I just have to play it up for the masses, ya know?”

“It’s just not easy as the leader of the team to know that I can’t keep everyone from seeing Dr. Beckett after every mission.”

“Don’t start doubting yourself, John. You’re doing the best you can, just like the rest of us,” she said.

He smiled up at her tiredly and she could feel a little more of the barrier she had built around her own heart begin to fall away. It was disconcerting how often he’d been able to make that happen lately but she was resolved, she would repair the damage as quickly as possible.

“I have a couple more things I need to take care of before I go to bed. It seems I can be in a whole different galaxy but I still have to make reports for the Watchers Council. You'd think I could slack off just a little. I’ll see you tomorrow though,” she said with a soft smile.

“Goodnight Buffy,” he replied with a whisper as he watched her walk away.