Title: The Crossover Cafe and Lounge
Author: Susan Anthony (LdyGossamer@aol.com)
Fandoms: BtVS/Harry Potter/with a teeny tiny Highlander appearance
Pairing: slash, if you want to know who, check the note at the end of the story
Category: AU, Humor, crossover
Spoilers: all seasons Buffy and all Harry Potter Books
In a place that doesn't exist there is a rather well known pub called The Crossroads Café and Lounge. Fictional characters from any fandom are welcome and can go for a pint or three without having to worry about finding themselves in the middle of some mind-bending (or worse, gender-bending) piece of fan fiction.
Usually, it's a rather peaceful place, much larger than it seems to be on the outside, where beings can relax and enjoy an evening off without fear. Mortal enemies have been known to share a drink without tearing each other limb from limb and actually find things in common to talk about. Evil Overlords from across the fandom universes often drop by to chat and compare notes as well as catch up on the most recent additions to the Evil Overlords site. One never knew when the perfect rule would be developed to allow them to defeat their nemesis once and for all.
Tonight, however, most of the attention in the bar was focused on two characters that never would have met without the creative genre known as The Crossover. These two young men were seated at opposite sides of a table in the center of the room, measuring each other up with their eyes and considering their next move.
It was noted by most that both young men had dark messy hair (the kind you wanted to sink your fingers into) and both were handsome in that 'good-boy-next-door' way. They also had the most soulful eyes, one with a pair of chocolate brown, the other a deep, beautiful green. Other than the color of their eyes, however, one might say they bore a passing resemblance to each other.
Finally, after long moments of silence, the green-eyed young man leaned forward and tapped a glass shooter filled with golden liquid on the table between them.
"I started fighting Evil when I was eleven years old," he said in a clear tenor voice. The crowd of people behind him went "oooooo" even as his opponent scowled.
"Hey, I was fifteen!" came the heated reply. "I didn't even know about vampires before then!"
The crowd of people behind the second speaker grumbled in agreement but the thin, handsome man who sat at the head of the table as referee nodded towards the first boy.
"Drink up, Harris," he instructed neutrally. "Potter wins that one."
The dark-eyed young man felt his lower lip poke out slightly before he picked up the shot glass and downed the drink in one shot as the crowd behind him cheered. Then he set the glass upside down on the table between them with a definite thump. There were already a few empty glasses lined up between them.
"All right, Potter," he stated with only a slightly fuzzy tone. "Next."
The young man leaned forward. "I grew up living with the Dursleys. In a cupboard under the stairs."
His supporters 'ooooed' again and Potter looked smug but his opponent just waved him off before he pushed the next filled shooter at Potter.
"Give over, Harry. I *lived* with my family, *full time* until I was nineteen! And I may not have lived in a cupboard but there were times I wished I had one to hide in," he stated flatly, "Besides, the last two years in the basement, I actually had to *pay* rent to live there."
The second youth's expression, which had been almost light-hearted up until then, darkened and one of his supporters patted him gently on the arm.
"Don't let it bother you, Xander," the red-haired girl cooed as she glared at the green-eyed boy across the table. "You know your parents usually get their asses kicked in your fiction."
Xander suddenly grinned and gave the redhead a quick one-armed hug. "Thanks, Willow," he said, his customary smile reasserting itself with a hint a triumph as he turned back to his opponent. He reached out to push one of filled shooters across the table. "Besides, I win that one."
Potter looked ready to contest that but the referee just nodded, agreeing with Xander and the younger man picked up a shot glass and downed it, coughing only once. His supporters cheered loudly, especially the ones with red hair.
The cheering died down after a few moments and the two combatants stared at each other over the shot glasses arrayed before them. Finally, Harry leaned forward with a smirk.
"*I* faced a half-alive, pycho Dark wizard who was possessing our DADA teacher in the Forbidden Forest and then later that year defeated him and saved the Philosopher's Stone from being used to bring back Voldemort."
There were more "ooooooooo's" and "ahhhhhhh's" from the various wizarding characters behind Harry and discontented murmurs from the Sunnydale folk behind Xander but the brown-eyed carpenter didn't look worried.
"*I* dragged a member of the *Scourge of Europe* down into the Master's tunnels under Sunnydale *knowing* there was a huge nest of vampires there to save Buffy from dying. When we were too late, I revived her from being dead with CPR and split the Slayer Line permanently *and* in the process, defied a prophesy."
There were cheers from behind Xander but he just held up his hand for silence and continued. He looked Harry straight in the eyes and said,
"And then I dated Cordelia Chase."
There was complete silence for a moment as Harry's green eyes darted to a stunning brunette standing proudly behind Xander's left shoulder with a predatory smirk on her face. The attitude strangely reminded of a female Draco Malfoy.
He picked up his shot and downed it without question. Xander won that "who's lived the most dangerous life" event hands down.
"Okay, my turn," Xander said as he leaned back confidently. "I joined the swim team and found out that the coach was turning us into mer creatures. Then the rest of the team ate the coach."
Harry's eyes narrowed just a bit. "I joined the Quidditch team in my first year and was almost thrown from my broom by a homicidal, dark lord possessed teacher. Then, in my third year, my soul was almost sucked out of me during a Quidditch match by a dementor."
There were murmurs from the groups on both sides of the table as they all turned to the thoughtful referee. After a few seconds pondering the matter, he leaned forward and pushed a shot glass at Xander, resulting in cheers from the Harry side of the table.
Xander looked shocked. "But Methos -," he began in a whining tone. The old immortal just gave him a long even stare. Xander sighed and drank down the shot before slamming the glass down on the table. Harry just grinned.
"I killed a basilisk with a bird, a hat and a sword," he stated confidently. Xander snorted over the awed sounds of Harry's supporting cast.
"I blew up an Ascended mayoral demon - and the high school - with some C4, some fancy wiring and a Slayer."
The Sunnydale folk cheered loudly as the pair turned to Methos for another judgment. This time he pondered longer before pushing a shot glass at both combatants. Harry and Xander looked surprised and glanced at each other before they shared a smirk and drank down the fiery liquid.
"Okay, okay," Harry started, waving his hand grandly. "Beat this. *I* had to deal with Professor Snape teaching potions classes and then face off with attacking Death Eaters in the school."
Behind him, a tall, scary looking brunet with a rather large nose scowled darkly at the back of Harry's head but everyone else in the group just nodded their heads in agreement of the danger, if not sheer annoyance and frustration that Harry had been forced into.
Xander just crossed his arms. "*I* had to deal with *Angelus* and his family of bloodsucking demons. And how about that parent/teacher night when Angel offered up a little side of Snack-cake Xander to Spike?"
Harry didn't even wait for a judgment on that. He pressed his lips together in annoyance.
"Oh yeah? Well, I was kidnapped and forced into a blood-letting, Dark ritual to bring Voldemort back to life and give him a new snaky form to terrorize the Wizarding World with."
"Oh yeah?" Xander echoed as he thought frantically. And then he grinned. "Well my *date* knocked me out, hung me up with chains and then stuck a dagger in my belly for a blood-letting, Dark ritual to open the Hellmouth to terrorize the *whole* world with demons."
Ooooos and ahhhhhs from both sides echoed in the room as the two young men glared at each other for a long moment before they turned to the long-suffering referee for a judgment. Methos was rubbing his forehead as though he were about to have a migraine. He looked longingly at the shot glasses still filled with fire whiskey.
"Okay, boys," he finally said, "I don't know *how* I got roped into refereeing this ridiculous contest on who's led the most dangerous life but let me say it's almost over. You have one more chance and whomever wins this round, wins the bet."
Harry Potter and Xander Harris turned back to each other with long, calculating stares. Finally, Harry leaned forward with an evil smile no one expected to see on the face of the Savior of the Wizarding World.
"I'm currently sleeping with Draco Malfoy -,"
there was an outraged "POTTER!" behind him but Harry continued.
"Lucius Malfoy," there was a squeak and a thump as someone fainted,
"and," Harry stopped to push a shot glass towards Xander, "Ginny Weasley."
There were shocked gasps and outraged voices building up behind the Boy-Who-Lived, mostly from the red-headed contingent, but a certain blond pureblooded wife by the name of Narcissa didn't look too pleased either. She had already pinned a protesting Lucius by the ear and was leading him towards the front door while all the red headed brothers were lining up first to whine at their sister for her bad taste and second, to punch Harry Potter in the nose for pulling their innocent sister into a foursome, half of whom were ::ick:: Slytherins.
The group behind Xander was ominously silent, waiting to see what miracle Xander could pull off to equal *that* combination of dangerous, not to mention psychotic, lovers. The White Knight just smiled.
"*I'm* sleeping with William the Bloody - ,"
He was interrupted with an "OY WHELP!" but Xander continued in an amused voice,
"Angel aka Angelus, the Scourge of Europe -,"
Another interruption in a plaintive tone of "Xander, I told you I'm not Angelus anymore," "*You're sleeping with *Xander*?!!" Came from an annoyed blond slayer and her red-headed best friend.
"And," Xander stopped as his gaze flicked away from Harry for a moment and his smile slid into a smirk, "Professor Severus Snape."
There was another ominous silence in which you could barely hear the footsteps of a rather fed-up immortal referee escaping a newly formed combat zone and then almost an explosion of voices.
"What?" screeched an annoyed blond vampire, "You're sleeping with that greasy git and you didn't invite me?"
"That event doesn't count as Professor Snape isn't part of *your* reality, Mr. Harris," an officious young woman with rather bushy hair stated firmly as she flipped through something called The Crossover Handbook.
"Oh my god, Angel, you're sleeping with Xander Harris?" Buffy whined again, staring at the big vampire with large, watery eyes. Beside her, Willow was idly fanning her flushed face and glancing from Xander to Spike to Angel.
"Ginny, how could you sleep with *Harry* behind our backs like this!" Ron Weasley roared and his sister just raised a brow.
"Would you rather watch?" she asked, her hands on her hips, smirking as Ron paled about seven shades in two seconds.
"Where did those two young hooligans go?" Mollie Wesley demanded as Joyce Summers, Buffy's long-suffering mother, joined her.
"I think they both need a stern talking to about the importance of *monogamous* relationships!" the blond woman stated. Mollie just nodded and led Joyce off in search of the missing Harry and Xander even as their supporters were still loudly arguing over who won the bet and who should and shouldn't be sleeping with whom.
Beneath the table, Harry and Xander quietly watched the chaos and then dropped the tablecloth back in place. They just snickered and finished off the last of the bottle of fire whiskey that Harry had dragged down with him.
Harry glanced over at his friend and grinned. "Did Snape really shag you, Harris?" he asked curiously and Xander just sighed happily.
"Oh yeah, now there's one Death Eater spy who knows his way around the bed. And the office couch. And the bathtub. And the kitchen table."
"And under the kitchen table," a deep, sexy voice added as the pair glanced up to find the professor in question, quietly sliding under the table with them. He glanced over Harry briefly with a strangely neutral expression before he turned to Xander, who was grinning happily at him.
"Did you *have* to reveal things of such an intimate nature in front of the entire Wizarding World, Mr. Harris?" he asked with a sneer that was only half-force if Harry was judging it correctly.
Xander scooted closer to the dark haired professor. "Of course, Severus," he said with a cheeky grin. "You wouldn't want Harry to win, would you?"
Severus Snape glanced at the bewildered Boy-Who-Lived.
"Hummm. Perhaps not," he allowed before he turned back to Xander. "But I do believe we're going to be late for our afternoon...appointment at Madame Vaya's."
Harry blinked and then glanced from Xander to Snape and then back to Xander. "Madame Vaya's?" he squeaked and then cleared his throat. "Isn't that a club that caters to...er..." He glanced at his teacher again. "Deviant sexual practices?" he finished faintly.
Xander chuckled softly even as Snape spared the younger man a full powered Snape-sneer. "Hardly, Potter," the professor stated calmly, "though I'm not quite sure what you would consider deviant sexual practices. Would you care to enlighten us?"
Harry flushed and Xander took pity on him.
"It's a Crossroads Club that caters to just about anything, Harry." He glanced at the teacher with an impish smiled. "Sev and I go there to enjoy the dom/sub rooms and some of the games they have set up."
Severus scowled at the nickname and Xander smiled guilelessly up at him. Harry blinked again and then flushed even deeper as he glanced between his two companions.
"So...er...whose the dom and whose the sub?" he asked faintly.
Professor Snape just looked down his nose at Harry and considering they were all under a table that took some skill.
"Wouldn't you like to know, Potter," he said snidely as he reached out and grabbed Xander's arm. "Shall we go, Mr. Harris?"
The carpenter looked at Harry shrewdly and then turned back at Snape. "I think he does want to know," Xander stated softly and leaned over to the Professor. "Why don't we ask him to join us?" Severus looked scandalized for a moment until Xander continued with a leer. "Wouldn't you like to just *spank* that boy?"
Professor Snape stilled for a moment and then looked at his lover with a speculative expression before he turned to a flushed and hopeful Harry.
"Well, Mr. Potter," Snape said with a raised brow. "Would you care to join us this afternoon?"
Harry bit his lip. "Well...er...ah...."
"Eloquent as always, Mr. Potter," Severus sighed and beside him, Xander snickered.
"I think that's a yes, Severus," Xander stated as he reached over and pulled the younger boy into his lap. Harry blinked owlishly at Snape and then smiled shyly at Xander. Professor Snape just rolled his eyes.
"Very well, Alexander," he said, his tone dropping a bit as he eyed the pair. "But *you* are responsible for his behavior. If anything...untoward happens, I shall hold *you* responsible."
"Sure, Sevvie," Xander replied and Snape twitched slightly before he glared.
"Don't call me that," he instructed flatly and Xander pouted before he smirked.
"Oh darn. I guess you'll just have to punish me. Sevvie."
Harry glanced from Xander to Snape and started worrying if this was a good idea after all. When Snape's mouth suddenly curled into the most wicked twist of lips Harry had ever seen on anyone, *ever*, he tried to crawl out of Xander's lap and escape. Xander just wrapped his arms around the quaking Boy-Who-Lived.
"Oh, come on Harry, Severus isn't going to hurt us," he said in a soothing tone, careful to keep the younger man's eyes away from the potion master's face and its raised brow which immediately cast doubt on Xander's words. "It'll be fun. You'll get plenty of ideas you can use to keep the Malfoys in line. And may I say, the father *and* the son? That takes cheek."
"What about Ginny?" Harry asked but Xander just shrugged.
"You're on your own with that one," he stated firmly. "I learned my lesson about not getting involved with red-heads looooong ago."
"Now, if we're ready to go?" Severus said firmly, gripping Xander's arm firmly. "Madame Vaya is not a patient women and we're late. If we lose our reservations I shall be *very* upset."
Harry started to look worried again even as Xander chuckled.
"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," Harry noted as Professor Snape raised his wand.
Xander's answer echoed under the table even as the three disappeared.
"It's a *great* idea. Sev's wanted to spank you for the longest time!"
NOTE SLASH PAIRINGS: SS/XH, SS/HP/XH, HP/LM/DM/GW implied, XH/A/S implied