Slayer VS Chainsaw
by P.H. Wise
Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy. I don’t own the Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Buffy is owned by Mutant Enemy, I think. I’m not sure which poor shmuck owns the Chainsaw Massacre, but clearly they paid entirely too much money for the rights to remake it.
Leatherface charged, chainsaw roaring, bearing down on the helpless "teenaged" girl (or at least, teenaged in the same sense that most horror movie characters are teenaged. That is not, but claiming to be). She whirled around towards him, blonde hair swirling in the air behind her as she... rolled her eyes?
“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” Buffy said.
Leatherface swung his chainsaw at her.
Buffy easily dodged, and then kicked him in the hand. The force of the blow broke his hand. They’d come out here to investigate the disappearances of a number of teenagers, thinking it might have been a demon nest. What they’d found? Bunch of crazy, degenerate humans. Or rather, the crazy degenerate humans had found them.
“Giles!” she called.
“Over here,” Giles said, his voice pained.
Leatherface reached for the chainsaw with his other, unbroken hand, and Buffy casually, almost negligently stomped on it, breaking that one as well.
“I will be, once you get me down from here.”
Buffy nodded, stepped over to where Giles was hanging from a meat-hook in the back, and gently lifted him off of it.
“Is that all of them?” he asked, wincing in pain.
“Yep. Last crazed freakazoid was this bozo here.” She gestured to Leatherface, who was now trying to pick up the chainsaw with only his arms.
“Willow, Kennedy, and Xander?” Giles asked, almost afraid of what the answer would be.
“They’re fine. Well, Willow got a black eye, and Xander got a nasty cut on the arm, but otherwise, they’re fine.” She kicked Leatherface, and he fell unconscious. “I never thought I’d miss Sunnydale. At least the vampires had the decency to turn to dust when you won. No fuss, no muss. Anyways, I called the police a few minutes before I found you.”
Giles nodded, and seized up what was left of his shirt from the ground nearby and put it on. “Good. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”
Xander, Kennedy, and Willow came out of the main house then, and Kennedy waved. Of the three, Kennedy was the only one who was completely uninjured. As it turned out, normal humans, no matter how psychotic, were quite simply no match for a Slayer. Between her and Buffy, it hadn’t even been fair.
“Hey Buff,” Xander called. “We came. We saw. We got captured by crazies. We kicked their asses. Not bad for a day’s work.”
“I don’t know about you,” Willow said, “But I don’t think I’ll be going on vacation in Texas any time soon.”
“Right there with ya, Will,” Buffy replied. “Let’s get out of here.”
In the distance, they could hear the sound of approaching sirens.