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The Dru's Scary Show

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Summary: So why was the Wishverse Buffy in Cleveland, anyway? A not especially serious answer.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > Drew Carey Show, TheMediancatFR1311,781039708 Dec 068 Dec 06Yes
Disclaimer: Buffy and Drusilla belong to Joss. The Drew Carey show characters belong, I guess, to Drew Carey.

Author's Note: This crossover of mine has been out of print for quite a while.

X X X X X

[Interior of the Winford-Lauder department store's office section. Two tall, goofy-looking men and a woman attractive enough to make you wonder what she's doing with the goofy-looking guys approach an empty desk.]

Oswald: Hmmm. Not here either. Wonder where . . .

Kate: Hey, Mimi -- have you seen --?

Mimi[sitting behind her desk]: No, pigs. But then, I've been spending a lot of time looking in mirrors recently. [points to her face]

Lewis: Oh, I get it. I'd better call Bob the glass repairman. He'll be thrilled to have the extra work.

Kate: You know, Mimi, it's not very nice to call us pigs.

Mimi: It's even less nice to the pigs.

[From behind them, a young woman dressed in a black flowing gown enters the office floor.]

Kate, Oswald, and Lewis: Hey there, Dru!

Dru: Hello, my friends, but you really must know, miss Edith gets cross when you don't call me Drusilla.

Theme song:

All this energy calling me Away from the Hellmouth A kind of lewd attitude And these fangs in my mouth . . .

All the vampire chicks with the bloodstained lips say Cleveland Sucks, Cleveland Sucks Livin' undead with these dreams in my head and Cleveland Sucks, Cleveland Sucks

Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks! Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks, Cleveland sucks!

Miss Edith!

Oswald: Sorry . . . Drusilla . . . we were just over at your house and we were worried.

Kate: It looked like someone had just ransacked the place.

Lewis: Yeah, we thought maybe you'd had a party and hadn't invited us.

Mimi: I'm going to ignore that excellent straight line -- for the moment - and ask you a serious question, Dru. It's daytime, right?

Dru: Indeed it is. Makes it very hard for me to continue naming the stars. I named them once, you know, but they didn't like that name, so I've been giving them new ones. [Behind her, Oswald, Kate and Lewis all give each other funny looks.]

Mimi: Well then, short, dark and crazy, how can you be out right now? There's no darkness around! [Puts hands on hips triumphantly.]

Dru: Oh, Mimi, there is enough darkness coming from your mind to provide me with ample security. I believe I could visit the whole of Cleveland, if I liked, and be protected only by the dark thoughts emanating from your brain. Or what passes for it, now . . .

Lewis: Anyway, Drusilla, we just wanted to tell you - the Slayer's in town looking for you! We think she's the one who destroyed your house.

Dru: Oh, no. That was Miss Edith. She had bad dreams. She can become quite cross with her nightmares.

Mimi: Speakin' of dolls, witch, keep your hands off mine. [Stands back to reveal a selection of badly damaged Troll figures.] I know it was you that did it.

Dru: I'm dreadfully sorry for that, Mimi, but that was Miss Edith again.

Mimi: You telling me your DOLL walked over here and bit the heads and arms off of - snif - my beloved Trolls?

Dru: Yes, but in all fairness to Miss Edith, they started it. If you're going to be collecting tiny trolls you should keep them well-fed. Otherwise they get hungry and attack anything that moves. Which should mean your bed should be quite safe.

Mimi: Yeah, well. [reaches into bag behind her and pulls out a dozen more trolls, which she carefully arranges on the desk] You're just lucky I had more of these.

Kate [clearing her throat]: Um, Dru. The Slayer?

[Right then the door behind Mimi's desk opens and Mr. Wick, an officious, silly-looking Englishman with an accent that makes him sound like a reject from a Monty Python sketch, walks out.] Mr. Wick: Ah, there you are, Drusilla. Late again, I see.

Dru: Time is such an overrated concept. Why, just yesterday I was telling Miss Edith -

Wick: Blast it, Drusilla, not another story about your stupid doll. You'd think you were the only one who ever had an imaginary friend. Well, you're not, see? When I was young I had an imaginary friend named Applethorpe. Beat me up all the time.

Lewis [quietly]: Can't imagine why.

Wick: But now I've grown up and I've put away my childish things, and it's past time you did too.

[Lewis, Oswald, and Kate back away slowly, seeing the fire slowly developing in Drusilla's eyes. Mimi hides behind her desk.]

Dru: Mr. Wick. You can torment me. You can torment my friends, even though I have plans for them myself, and branding irons are so hard to come by these days. You can torment Mimi - if you'd like, I believe my old boyfriend Spike has some lovely iron maidens you could use to get started, though to fit Mimi I think you'd have to use two of them and have a remarkably strong demon hold them together. I knew a chaos demon like that once - do you suppose he'd be available?

Wick: Was there a point to your little narrative, Drusilla, or were you just planning to bore me to death?

Drusilla: I suppose I could take the point of a drill and use it to bore you to death, but that would violate my dreams, and more importantly, the dreams of poor Miss Edith, whom you've made quite cross, you know. See my eyes, Mr. Wick. Be in my eyes . . . [Mr. Wick soon falls into a deep trance.]

Lewis: Hey Dru. While you got him under, why don't you try to swing a raise?

Oswald: Or make him cluck like a chicken! [Everyone gives him a dirty look.] Hey. Can I help it if you all don't appreciate the classics?

Dru: No. I don't like chickens. Nasty creatures. And their blood tastes simply dreadful. Actually, I was thinking of simply killing him. One of my lovely, shiny-sharp fingernails right across the base of his throat.

Mimi {peeking from behind the desk]: No! You can't do that!

Dru: Of course I can, Mimi. I can do so many things. One swipe, one low, chilly swipe, and poor Mr. Wick would be all . . .snuffed out.

Mimi: But it's against company policy to spill blood on store property!

Kate: I'm afraid Mimi's right, Dru.

Dru: Are you quite certain? I had so wanted a spot of bloodshed. I suppose that'll have to wait for now. Very well, Mr. Wick. Go . . . cluck like a chicken. {Mr. Wick snaps to attention and suddenly begins squawking uncontrollably. Then he wanders around the office, behaving exactly as a chicken would. Oswald follows him happily.]

Kate [takes a deep breath]: We still have a Slayer out there to worry about.

Dru: I know. My dreams had warned me of her arrival. I have such nice dreams. This one made me feel all warm and cozy.

Kate: Are you kidding? The Slayer's gonna try and KILL you, Dru!

Lewis: Well, we'll just see about that. I'll fight to Mimi's death to protect you!

Mimi: Yeah, well, don't expect ME to do anything. [Oswald jogs back up]. You! What's up with Wick?

Oswald: He's in the boardroom trying to lay an egg. I'm going down to housewares to get me a frying pan! [runs off again, then stops.] Anyone wanna come with?

Lewis [shrugs shoulders]: Sure. [They both walk off.]

Dru: But he promised to defend me to Mimi's death. He promised!

Kate: Yeah, well, you know Lewis and Oswald. They may act flaky, but when the chips are down, they . . . [Lewis and Oswald walk across the back of the office carrying a giant-sized frying pan] they keep right on acting flaky. [Suddenly the lights flicker and go out. The sounds of people screaming and panicking can be heard, and when the emergency light kicks in, the only ones standing there are Mimi, Dru, Kate, and an unnamed young short blonde woman. She has a rather dead look in her eyes.]

Dru: You would be the Slayer, then?

Slayer: Yes. Name's Buffy Summers. And I'm glad I finally found this place. When the Watchers told me there was a great source of demonic activity in Cleveland, I thought they were kidding. But here I am.

Dru: And where else would you be? The conflict was inevitable.

Kate [angrily moving in front of Drusilla]: You're not harming a hair on this vampire's head!

Dru: Oh, that reminds me. I've been meaning to give Miss Edith a good brushing.

Buffy [with a quizzical look on her face]: Vampire? No. I didn't come to kill any vampire today. I came for her. [Points at Mimi].

Mimi: What?!!! I'm no demon! I'm as human as the next guy!

(Mr. Wick runs through the room, clucking, as Lewis and Oswald chase after him, still lugging the frying pan.]

Buffy [tonelessly] Really.

Mimi! Yeah, Kate, Dru! Tell her!

Kate: Gee, Mimi, I'm sorry, I guess your secret's out. Oh well, we tried.

Dru: I'm sorry, Kate, Mimi's death simply isn't in the cards tonight. Such a pity; I suppose tonight I'll have to do it all myself. A terrible waste of effort, too.

Kate: Well, redeal the damn cards!

Buffy: She's right. THIS is what I came for. [She moves towards the troll dolls.] You realize you've been harboring members of a demonic species on your desk for the last ten years?

Dru: Miss Edith told me about them, she did.

Mimi: You will take my troll dolls over my dead body!

Kate [yelling behind her]: Bust out the mountaineering equipment! [A brief scuffle ensues. At one point Mimi rakes a fingernail down Buffy's face, forming a gash, but eventually she manages to take the dolls and bust them into pieces. Then she picks up the desk, spilling the contents of the drawers out onto the floor, and stomps flat every doll she sees.]

Buffy: Now, maybe finally I can get to Sunnydale and shut that librarian up. [Touches her face]: That's going to leave a nasty scar . . . [Leaves]

Mimi: What am I going to do? ALL my dolls, destroyed. Dead. Ruined!

Dru: Mimi, there is always a bright side.

Mimi: Yeah? What would that be, plasmabreath?

Dru: We no longer have to look at them. [Puts an arm around Kate's shoulders]: So, Kate, what are your plans for the evening? Might they involve any young men? I'm hungry, I am, really . . . and if I don't feed soon I may have to do as the Beatles did and get by with a little help from my friends . . . such nice young men they were, the Beatles. John was especially tasty . . .

Kate: Uhh, check. One young man, coming up. Any requests?

Dru: Type A positive would be nice . . .

The End

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