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Summary: YAHF: Xander dresses as one of the greatest heroes of the Lance ... the world is truly doomed.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Games > Dungeons and DragonsmichaelangeloFR18610,9712112432,71016 Dec 0619 Sep 07No

Satan's little helper: Part 2 of 3

Disclaimer: I don't own anything BTVS/ATS or Wizards of the Coast

Beta: Thanks once more to Greywizard for fixing my almost intelligible scribblings =).

Sorry it took so long to write this chapter but I kinda hit a roadblock like a speeding truck, Hopefully part 3 will be up soon. Thanks too to all those people who reviewed, and to those people who recommended my story. Thanks guys! =)

Xander blinked in surprise.

He was standing in the middle of the Sunnydale High Library and he was physically back to normal. Everything was bathed in a soft golden glow and thudding dully in the background was the sound of a heartbeat.

Turning slowly, he stifled a yelp as he found Giles standing almost in his face.

“You are the Xander,” Giles said in a neutral tone of voice.

“It is corporeal,” Willow said in an equally dead voice as she appeared from nowhere.

“Linear,” Buffy dully said, as the scene changed to the underground lair of the Master.

“What the fuck is going on here?!” Xander demanded, just a little freaked.

“It is aggressive,” the Master observed.

“Confrontational,” Jenny Calendar agreed as she stood dressed like a dominatrix with a whip.

“Adversarial,” stated Pamela Anderson, who was dressed in her Bay watch orange swimsuit.

Xander's eyes bugged as he choked out, “Ok, what the FUCK Is going on here?! And cut the Deep Space Nine crap!”

A snort of laughter from behind him drew his attention.

“I'm sorry, Xan. I just couldn't resist it,” said the figure Xander recognized as his childhood friend.

“Jesse!?” he shouted in surprise. “Don't tell me you’re a figment of my imagination too!”

“Not this time, buddy,” Jesse said with a genuine grin. “I'm here in the flesh, so to speak.”

“Ok, let's say I believe you and you're really here and not a dream or some soul sucking dream demon. What do you want and how did you get here?” Xander demanded.

Jesse looked at him with a grin and answered, “Well, as to how I got here; a group of friends made it possible, and dude, you wouldn't believe it, but on the other side, you're more popular than Oprah.

“As to why I'm here? I come with a gift and a message,” he added a moment later.

It took Xander another moment to recover from the shock of what Jesse had told him before he answered.

“A gift and a message? I do so hope it isn't a Toaster and that god loves me.”

Jesse snorted in amusement.

“Never change, dude. The message is this,” he said as a series of nine glowing symbols appeared in mid air. “These symbols are now imprinted in your conscious mind; you can't forget them now if you tried. Go there and you will find your gift. Catch ya later, Xan.”

“Huh?” Xander said in confusion.

“Now,” Jesse stated, “back to our regular scheduled program.”

And with a snap of his fingers, he vanished like Q in a flash of light.

Xander stared at the spot Jesse had vanished from when a shuffling from behind him drew his attention.

Giles and Snyder were both standing behind Xander, dressed in leather S&M gear and approaching him slowly with leers on their faces.

Xander woke up with a scream and sat up fast.

The sudden bang and his vision exploding in stars told him he was still in the pipe where he'd fallen asleep.


When the pain finally died down to a more manageable throb, Xander cracked his eyes open again and looked around the small confined space that was dimly illuminated by the beams of red light shining through the gaps of the packing crates.

Carefully and quietly as possible, Xander clambered out of his temporary bed into the dull red morning sun. If not for the simple fact it was so bright, he would have assumed he was standing under the bright Lunitari moonlight on Krynn

{Huh,} he thought. {Must be near LA. Only a big city could throw out enough pollution to turn the morning sun red.}

A small pillar of smoke not too far away caught his attention. Ignoring the large stack of crates behind him, he jammed the pointy green hat on his head and set off jauntily.


The tree offered Xander a spectacular view of the small Amish village. He could be wrong, but he was pretty sure that most Amish villages had their own rocket launch pads; but there it was, just visible over the rooftops of the small town – a rocket.

Occasional small groups of military guys would show up, either driving parts to the rocket or chatting to the locals.

While pondering such a strange town, his nose gave a twitch as a delicious aroma reached it, setting his stomach to rumbling in complaint.

Xander idly stroked the pointed tip of one of his ears as he searched for the source of such a delectable aroma.

{THERE!} he thought as he finally located his target of opportunity as it sat on a window sill for anyone to take. {Wow! How generous!}

With a grin, he hopped nimbly and sped down the tree trunk.


Doctor Daniel Jackson was getting slowly but surely pissed off at Malchus.

The attempted sabotage hadn't succeeded in blowing up the rocket as the two saboteurs had been given away after one blundered into a small rabbit snare, which in itself was strange, since rabbits weren't native to K'tau. The second had still managed to steal and somehow start one of the SGC's vehicles and ram it into the side of the rocket, causing enough damage to delay the rocket building for another week or more; a week they didn't have.

An angry Jack had just stormed off back to the Stargate in a huff, followed by an equally angry Sam. Teal'c was standing quietly nearby, his staff weapon leaning at a casual angle by his side. Or so an observer would think.

Finally, Daniel had enough.

“Listen to me!” he shouted as he stood on the back of a near by wagon. “You have to listen to me!”

“Why should we listen to you, Elf!” Malchus taunted. “You have brought us nothing but bad luck! And now the gods curse us!”

“Thor is not a God!” Daniel replied. “He is a member of an advanced race called the Asgard!”

“Lies! Why should we listen to any more of your lies, Elf?!” Malchus once more taunted.

“I'm not lying! The Asgard are small gray aliens. They use technology that may appear to be magic,” Daniel said, somehow swallowing his anger and not noticing the jingling behind him, or where the crowd was suddenly looking. “There’s no such thing as magic! Also, we are not elves! Elves don't exist!”

“Daniel Jackson,” Teal'c interjected in a calm casual voice. “Is not an elf a small green woodland creature with pointed ears?”

“What? Well, yes, but they don't,” Daniel started, but didn't finish as he noticed where the jingling was coming from. “Um...Of course, I have been known to be wrong now and again.”

“Indeed,” Teal'c replied as the small green man with pointed ears, dressed as a Christmas elf, noticed them.

Xander froze, the hot pie steaming in his hands in the cool afternoon air. Maybe trying to tip toe while wearing bells on your toes was a bad idea.

“Ingrid,” one of the townsfolk asked the woman next to him, “has the little elf stolen your berry pie?”

“Why, yes, he has, Olaf,” Ingrid replied. “Quick, let us find burning torches and pitch forks. Then we shall pursue him and burn him at the stake!”

Xander was torn between options, feeling angry at being accused of theft, with hunger and then curiosity at what being burned at the stake was like following immediately after.

Luckily, hunger won out and he set off running to find a quiet place to eat, the locals in hot pursuit.


Jack O'Neill had finally managed to calm down.

That fool Malchus had almost caused him to lose his cool and shoot him.

The whole operation would have to be scrapped unless Carter could use her amazing brain and save the day. He had no idea how he would write this up.

God, he hated paperwork.

“JACK!” Daniel’s loud voice shouted over his radio, causing Jack to stumble and clutch his chest in shock.

“WHAT!” he shouted back. “What is it, Danny?” he asked as he calmed down.

“Jack! An elf, Jack! A real life ELF! You have to stop him! He's going towards the Stargate!” Daniel’s voice exclaimed over the static of the radio.

“What the?” Jack said, as he shared a stunned look with Carter. “Danny, have you been sampling the local brew again? I thought we cured you of that on Abydos?”

“No Jack! This is REAL!” Danny practically yelled down the radio.

“Uh... sir,” Sam Carter interrupted.

“Not now, Sam, I'm talking to Danny elf...carrying a pie...being chased by a mob of peasants with pitch forks and burning torches”.


Xander was making good time, but the mob was in hot pursuit.

He'd stop and share normally, but they didn't look to be in the sharing mood. Up ahead was a strange stone ring surrounded by soldiers.

{Oh! Maybe they’ll help for a share of the pie.}


2 hours later

General George Hammond was in two minds: fall to the floor and giggle madly, or commit Col. Jack O'Neill for psychiatric evaluation.

But if he did that, he'd have to submit every member who was there. He just settled for turning almost as bright a shade of red as Jack and ordering some antacids and paracetamol.

“So let me recap,” George said as he looked around the table at a red faced Jack, a giggling Sam and Dr. Jackson. Teal'c seemed to be busy writing a list.

“You encountered an unknown alien life form being pursued by the local inhabitants after it stole a cherry pie?” George asked in a calm voice.

“Uh... it was more like a blueberry pie, sir ... but a red native berry variety, and that, of course, has nothing to do with ... uh, please carry on, sir,” Jack replied, wincing.

“Said unknown alien life form reached the gate and you HELD the pie as it dialed an impossible nine symbol gate address and then, according to your report, when you finally came to your senses, it then assaulted you WITH said pie before escaping! And on top of this, you claim it was a mythical creature?”

“Well, it seemed to fit the criteria...” O'Neill trailed off

“Oh really?” Hammond said. “Let’s read that part of the report again, shall we? Hmm, a small green humanoid, dressed in red and green felt clothing with bells on. Oh, and it also seemed to have, and I quote, 'wee pointy green ears'. Is this right Colonel O'Neill?”

“Uh, yessir, that’s about it. I'm not mad, sir. I'm not mad, am I, T' old pal?” Jack said in a nervous voice

“Indeed you are not, O'Neill,” Teal'c said without looking up from his writing.

“See, sir!” Jack said in relief

“Very well, Colonel O'Neill, I'll file this report and leave it to the egg heads to deal with. Dissmi..” He was interrupted by a voice blaring over the PA system.

“General Hammond to the gate room! I repeat, General Hammond to the gate room!” a voice declared.

The gate room was busy when the small group entered.

“What’s the situation, Airman?” General Hammond asked Airman Andrews, who was standing nearby.

“Sir!” Andrews said, saluting. “As of five minutes ago, an unidentified Ha'Tak just exited hyperspace in high orbit of the planet!”

Suddenly the Stargate started to dial itself.

“Unscheduled off world activation,” a voice called over the PA system, the iris slamming closed before the kerwhoosh of the event horizon lit up the room.

“Sir! It's the Tok'ra IDC!” a voice called out.

“Open the iris,” the General commanded.

A few moments after the iris opened, the event horizon rippled as Jacob Carter stepped through, the gate shutting down behind him as he walked down the ramp.

“All units stand down,” the General commanded the small troop of ready soldiers in the room.

“George! Sam!” Jacob exclaimed as he hugged his daughter. “I come bearing dire news that could mean the destruction of earth!”

“Would it have anything to do with the Ha'Tak now orbiting earth?” the leader of the SGC asked.

Jacob dipped his head as Selmac took control with the distinctive eye flash.

“If indeed it is, then we may very well be too late,” he said in the distinctive duel baritone of a symbiont. “A month ago, one of our spies reported that a legendary ancient weapon was discovered by enemies of Apophis. Soon after, the main lunar ship yard orbiting the planet Appertain was destroyed, totally obliterating the moon, and the weapon fell to the planet’s surface.”

“Does anyone know what this Ancient weapon is, or what it does?” George asked as his face paled, knowing where this conversation was leading to.

“I'm sorry George,” Selmac replied, “all I know is that it was discovered thousands of years ago on Earth and is the main reason why Ra declared none should ever return to the planet under his rule. Apparently, using great guile, Apophis re-captured the weapon and declared to all the System Lords that he will use it to 'Remove the thorn of the Tau'ri permanently'.”

“Sir!” an airman cried out, “we are receiving a signal from the unknown vessel!”

“Put it on the speakers,” Hammond ordered

“People of the Tau’ri, hear me!” the distinctive voice of Apophis called out from the speaker. “Too long have you been a thorn in my side! Today it will end! You say you will not bow to me as your god. So be it! I will no longer waste my breath. Just know this: as you suffer, it was due to me, Apophis!”

“End of transmission, Sir!” the Airman stated

“Weapon launch detected!” another airman cried out. “Target is...the SGC!”

“Seal the mountain!” General Hammond shouted. “Initiate full atomic warfare procedures and evacuate all personnel to the lower levels!”

“Sir! Impact in 5, 4, -”

“Hell with it!” Jack said as he grabbed Samantha and started to kiss her.

Teal'c began to write at a furious pace on his ever growing list.

Daniel looked over Teal’c’s shoulder and read the list’s first line.

“Dear Santa? What the hell?”

“3-,2-,1-, Impa...”


Sunnydale 2 hours earlier

Lyle Gorch ran into the roadside motel room that he shared with Tector with a look of terror on his face “Injuns!” he cried out. “The Injuns is comin'!”

“Don't be stoopid, there cain’t be no Injuns! They don't go on the war path any more!” Tector declared as he barged past his brother and out into the midnight air, only to see a positive army of Harleys riding towards him.

“Injuns!” he screamed in terror before running back into the hotel room and barring the door.

Maybe it was time to move elsewhere, before they decided to look for scalps.


Sunnydale docks, same time

Old Obadiah lurched down the docks where a new trawler had docked and was still tying up its lines.

This was his territory and he feared no body, be they human or demon ... Well, actually, he feared everything that moved; it's just that if anything that moved got within breathing room of Obadiah – actually more like sniffing room – they regretted it. His aroma, which he had cultivated over the years, was very potent and made grown men cry and vampires run away whimpering.

His most singular aroma was also his greatest asset as he found that people would give him almost anything to make him go away. Go very, VERY far away. Preferably to the next state.

His favourite targets were sailors fresh in from the sea with pockets bulging with cash; hence, why he was lurching like a b movie zombie in its direction.

As the sea mist began to clear, Obadiah squinted his eyes as he noticed the strange way the sailor was dressed. Hmm, strange. Then he came to a jarring halt as ropes began to be thrown over the side of the ship, with people sliding down them.

Armed people, with shields and helmets.

Obadiah was never one for school, but he recognized these people.

Bunching up his tattered trench coat, Obadiah spun around and ran screaming into the night.

Several nearby demons wondered what the crazy smelly human was screaming about until the small army came running from the docks.

None of the demons stood a chance.

“The Vikings are coming!” Obadiah kept screaming as he ran through the streets.


Sunnydale airport, same time

The huge BA-747 came taxiing slowly into the airport. Soon, its engines cut off and the airport workers began going about their duties, unloading baggage and refueling the plane.

This was a late niter and like anything in Sunnydale, anything late night meant there was very few people, and those that WERE here were usually savvy to the supernatural.

Right now, the workers in the terminal were tense since most late night flights landed at LAX ... normally. Nobody was prepared for the small army that spilled from the aircraft disembarkation tunnel with jingles and ‘hey nonny-no's’

One single thought went through every worker’s mind.

“The Morris Dancers are coming!”


Some time later

Giles was sitting, drinking a hot cup of PG Tips and nibbling some hobnobs while watching BBC America on his new cable TV. So he was understandably a tad surprised when Buffy casually kicked his front door to death.

“Ahh! Bloody hell, Buffy!” he screamed at the loud bang and shower of wooden splinters. “As if my nerves aren't shot enough with this Xander fiasco –”

He couldn't help almost smirking at the twitch under her left eye started at the mention of Xander's name.

“G-Giles!” she exclaimed, “you have to hide!”

“What is it Buffy?” Giles asked as he could hear distinctive and familiar booming sounds outside, and getting closer.

“Drums! Drums down the street! They’re coming!” she gasped.

“What? Who is coming?” Giles demanded as he shook off a momentary sense of deja vu.

“The – the Vikings and Indians and, and Morris dancers!” Buffy said in a panicked voice. “All heading in this direction, killing every demon they come across! You have to hide!”

“Rupert Giles?” a deep voice came from the now open doorway.

Buffy spun around to protect Giles as a veritable mob of Indians in war paint, Vikings in classical armor and bell wearing Morris Dancers started to file in, weapons at the ready.

“You have had this coming to you for a very long time,” a tall Viking warrior declared in an ominous voice.

“It's time you got something that you deserved!” a scarred looking biker Indian said.

“It's time to pay the piper,” the Morris Dancer said as the crowd began closing in. “Anything to say, Mr. Giles?” he asked

“Oh, bugger,” Giles said.


Over Colorado Springs, the tail end of a falling star could be seen for miles around as it plummeted with a flash into the side of a mountain....tbc

The End?

You have reached the end of "Five finger discount" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 19 Sep 07.

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