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Summary: YAHF: Xander dresses as one of the greatest heroes of the Lance ... the world is truly doomed.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Games > Dungeons and DragonsmichaelangeloFR18610,9712112432,25916 Dec 0619 Sep 07No

Chapter One: Time for a change

Disclaimer: I don't own anything BTVS/ATS or Wizards of the Coast, this is totally none profit and all I have is one penny to rub together.

Beta: My greatfull thanks to Greywizard for donating his valuable time in fixing this story for me. Thanks John =)

Five Finger Discount

Chapter 1

“word” is speech.
{word} is thought.


20-May-2003

Xander stood at the edge of the huge crater. Looking down over the edge at the ruin
of the town, he watched the 'Welcome to Sunnydale' sign tumble end over end and
finally smash into pieces at the bottom.

Casually, he turned to look at the rest of the gang, who all watched him with
fearfully wide eyes.

"Oops," he said apologetically.

~

1st November 1997.

*SQUEAK*
*SQUEAK*
*SQUEAK*

As rusty metal squeaked against rusty metal, the Vampire guard winced with every
squeak.

*SQUEAK*

The source of the guard's irritation was the swinging, bound and gagged figure of
Xander, suspended upside down on a rusty chain inside a locked cage.

Why is Xander bound, gagged and hung upside down inside a cage?

For that you have to travel back to the night before.

*SQUEAK*
*SQUEAK*

~

31st October 1997

The sound of voices and hissing echoed painfully through his skull. Xander regained
consciousness to an unusual sight and an odd feeling that he couldn't quite put his
finger on. Spike was trying to coax Drusilla out from behind a large carved chair.
Occasionally, she would peep over the top at Xander while hissing and clawing the
air at him like a cat.

"Bloody hell! Come on Dru," Spike said, while gesturing with both his hands. "Come
out and have a nibble on the Slayer's lap dog. I got him just for you."

"I don't want the wicked little man, Spike! Miss Edith says 'e would steal my
elastic and make me trip over my own drawers, 'e would".

Xander had been captured by Spike but, for some reason, he wasn't really worried
about it. He knew he should have been scared out of his wits but he'd bet his hoopak
that .... hold on a second.

Looking down, he finally realized why he felt odd - he'd shrunk. Little hands were
tied firmly to the arms of the chair and the fact his feet didn't reach the floor
gave testament to that...

What happened? He remembered walking down the road with the 'sugar hyped runts'
when all of a sudden...

[Flashback]

"You’re not Tasslehoff Burrfoot!" Willow yelled. (Again.) "I don't know how you
shrunk, but your name is Xander AND STOP STICKING YOUR HEAD THROUGH MY BELLY!"

[End flashback]

{Oh my god, I'm a kender!} he thought. Then he said, "Cool!", with a smirk, as all
the possibilities for fun flashed through his mind.

"Eh?" Spike said as he noticed Xander's grin. "Something funny? I mean, besides
the fact you’re now a wee man? Maybe I should just kill you now since Dru doesn't
seem to be interested and leave you on the Slayer’s doorstep."

Xander's eyes lit up. "Oh! How will you kill me? Will you torture me first or
drain me?"

Looking at Xander curiously, Spike thought about it a moment. "Well, maybe a spot
of torture will do Dru good."

"Cool, how will you start? Will it be hot pokers or needles under the fingernails?
How about ripping my nails out with pliers?" Xander gushed in glee as all the
various possibilities occurred to him.

~

15 minutes later

"Oh! How about if you sliced my belly and pulled out my intestines? You could tie
it to something upstairs and kick me out of a window. Or maybe tie them to a dog
and chase it away. Ooh! Or the back of a car or a bike! And drag me through town
by my own guts! Never had that done to me before. I wonder what it feels like?"

The vampires stood around, listening to Xander in awe and fear as a gobsmacked Spike
was busily scribbling notes down in a black notebook, an unlit cigarette hanging
from his bottom lip.

Even Dru had stopped her hissing and was listening intently.

"Right, that's it!" Spike shouted as he stood up and shoved a rag into Xander's
mouth. "Tie this runt up and hang him in the cage! Whatever the hell has happened
to him is way worse than any other torture I could devise to put the Slayer through!
Tomorrow night, he's going free and if any of you lot brings him back or turns him,
I'll try some of his ideas out on you!"

Most of the vampires in the room took a step backwards, accompanied by a couple of
whimpers. As Xander was dragged off, Spike began to look through his coat pockets.

" ‘ello, has anybody seen my bloody lighter?"

~

The next day.

*SQUEAK*
*SQUEAK*

Xander noticed that the vampire had developed a nervous tick under its left eye and
pondered whether the undead could suffer a nervous breakdown. He also came to a
realization that could reduce grown men to gibbering wrecks and make even some gods
a bit nervous: he realized he was now bored.

Finally, he managed to spit out the gag. "Hiya, my name’s Xander,” he called over
to the guard. “Or, if you want, you can call me Xan. It's all short for Alexander.
Do you know what that means? Well, let me tell you, there's a story my uncle
Trap...uh, Uncle Rory told me one time. You'll like this, it's funny-"

*SQUEAK*
*SQUEAK*

~

Five hours later

The sound of screaming and a loud crashing woke Spike with a start.

Looking up with surprise, he saw the vampire that was supposed to be guarding the
runt Harris tear off the door to the outside, then run off into the bright sunlit
day before he exploded into flames. Walking casually behind him, with a skip in his
step was the three foot ten figure of Harris, his topknot bouncing as he left.

Spike couldn't help but feel relieved at his prisoner’s escape, not even wondering
how he gotten free from the ropes and locked cage.

Quickly, he told his minions to gather their things together as the Slayer may
decide to pay them a visit.

Or worse, the runt might decide to come back.

~

Footnote

Many historians on Krynn agree that Kenders are children of Chaos.

According to common legend, the raw Chaos that was the Greygem of Gargath changed
some of the race of gnomes as it passed them by. The ones overcome by greed for
such a large Gem became Dwarves, while those gnomes who thought it was just pretty
became Kender.

Another school of thought seem to think that Kender are actually altered Elves,
since they share the same pointed ears. One thing they all have in common is that
they WERE changed by Chaos and carry the power of pure Chaos.

And as such, they are able to live outside of, and can change, destiny.
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