Author: Marcy (DHCgirl)
Content: Written by a C/Aer. Heavy parody. Angel/Touched by an Angel Crossover
Summary: Worlds (an 1 hour dramas) collide as angels seek to help Angel.
Spoilers: Rain of Fire
Disclaimer: The characters in the Angelverse were created by JossWhedon & David Greenwalt. And someone was responsible for TBAA. No infringement is intended, no profit is made.
Distribution: Take it
Notes: Alright. Here is a crossover that was forever in the making. My winter vacation obsession was, much to my chagrin (‘cause you never can control these things), “Touched By an Angel”. I had never before watched the show, but the day I got home from school flipped it on and saw Rue McClanahan and felt compelled to watch. So quickly came the addiction…which was simply fueled by 2 episodes available every night on the Hallmark channel. I would be all set to NOT watch it, but then I’d see Kirk Cameron or Delta Burke or *Bam* the dad from Boy Meets World.
Special Note: This is a very snarky fic on both sides. This gets tricky considering the content of TBAA. I honestly mean NO offense to any religious beliefs. I simply reference God in order to keep the characters in character.
Ok, this is supposed to be a really stupid story. It goes to some questionable places in the name of frustration, but hopefully its not too much ‘cause as you all know I’m not daring at all. This'll be my last parody for a while cuz i really hate raggin' on characters I love so much, but oh well. So be gentle.
Song is from that rockin’ episode of the Cosby Show where Claire sings with the choir.
The two angels stood side by side on the rooftop. The sky seemed an impenetrable shade of black, as the orange flames poured from the heavens. Monica wrapped her coat tightly around her body, but never once questioned God’s plan.
“Tess, who is that man on the ledge?”
Monica’s gaze lingered on the figure who was kneeling by the roof’s edge. His hands cradled his head for a moment until he violently raked them through his hair.
“That, Angel Girl, is our next assignment”
“Is he going to jump?”
Tess shook her head. “No. But it wouldn’t matter even if he was”
“I don’t understand”
Monica watched as the man twisted around in a rage, smashing his arm through some of the building’s crown molding. As he did his face changed. His forehead became gnarled and bumpy, and his teeth long and razor sharp.
“A vampire…” Monica exclaimed, “No Tess, we can’t possibly be helping a vampire. They are demons of great evil. Not one of God’s creations…” With her lilting Irish brogue it sounded like “good’s”.
“Hold on, Miss Wings. Good comes in many forms. Take a closer look at that vampire”
Monica shifted her focus back to the vampire and allowed God to tell her heart what she needed to know. After a minute it was clear.
“A soul…He has a soul”
Tess walked over and placed an incorporeal hand on the shaking demon’s shoulder.
“He was given what so many others pray for; a second chance. Now he is a great power in the ongoing battle between good and evil, and this time he’s playin’ for our side”
“What is wrong with him?” Monica needed to know what could send this strong and brave champion into the depths of such despair.
“Just because the heart ain’t beatin’, doesn’t mean it’s not still vulnerable.”
Monica followed the angel’s finger as it pointed to the window of a three-story building. There she watched as two people thrashed beneath the covers of a makeshift bed.
Her eyes became wide with recognition. “Oh my…”
Monica was a go-getter, and she prided herself on this quality. The pretty, young angel walked into the lobby of the Hyperion with a smile on her face and the word of God in her heart. Just like the members of this agency, she too had a mission. She smoothed out her flowered frock, adjusted the straw hat that was nestled in her auburn hair, and made her way towards the girl behind the counter.
Winifred Burkle. Physicist. Wished for the world’s largest taco. And world peace.
Monica watched as Winifred highlighted sections of the myriad of papers that littered the counter and surrounding furniture. She was hunched protectively over a certain sheet, her head bowing slightly as her glasses began to slide down the bridge of her nose.
“Hello, my name is Monica…I was wondering if you could help me”
Winifred looked up and smiled weakly. “Oh, hi. I’m Fred, and this is Charles. How can we help you?”
Monica craned her neck to see the young man sitting on the floor, his attention on some papers of his own.
Charles Gunn. Angel Investigations employee. Had three unpaid parking tickets.
Monica waved slightly. She awkwardly lowered her hand when Charles turned back to his work with no acknowledgement. She saw Winifred’s patience was waning and leapt quickly into her angelic scheme.
“Oh, yes, it’s my basement. It seems to be infested…with…demons. Many, many demons.” This was all very new to her.
“I’m not sure we can deal with ‘many, many’ demons…” Winifred apologized, looking down at the stacks of paper in front of her.
Charles took this as his cue to stand up. “Sorry lady, you’re just one ‘many’ too much right now”
“But I was told that you deal with these sort of problems” Monica argued quickly.
Charles sighed. “Normally we do. But boss man’s been missin’ for two days now and we’re a little short handed”
“…and worried” Added Winifred.
“Ya, that too. So you see…”
Monica jumped at Winifred’s accusation. “What? Where? No I’m not”
This was much, much too early in the assignment for her cover to be blown. Tess was going to be so mad…
“Where have you been?” Winifred continued, passing Monica and heading towards a man entering the lobby.
“Out” He replied, curtly.
Angel (No last name available). Demon with a soul. Aversion to sun.
Monica sashayed her way over to the brooding vampire. She slowly took his hand, and gave him a wink. “Hello, my name is Monica”
“Angel” He offered, looking to Winifred. She shrugged.
“Yes, I know. And may I say you have a lovely name”
“Thanks. I like your accent”
“Knock, knock. Someone order some napalm?”
Tess entered the lobby, giving Monica a bit of a start. She was in overalls. One strap was undone and down, revealing a t-shirt that said “This is the house that funk built”. Her sleeve was rolled up over a pack of cigarettes and tribal tattoos wrapped around her arm.
“Who are you?” Angel asked.
“My name is Tess. I have some weapons here for Charles Gunn”
She produced a basket from behind her back.
“Woah, hold up. I didn’t order anything from…”
“Oh yes. You see, Mr. T Dog had to work a bake sale today, so I told him I would deliver these grenades and guns and…” Tess peaked into the basket, “oh! A rocket launcher”
“Something is very wrong with this whole scenario…but since we are dealing with an apocalypse here I’m willing to overlook it.”
Charles grabbed the basket and walked over to the weapons cabinet at the opposite end of the room.
Suddenly the doors of the Hyperion burst open as a young woman and very young man ran in, breathless. Monica immediately recognized them from the previous night’s peepshow.
Cordelia Chase. Seer. Used to be sane.
Connor Angel. Offspring of two vampires. Hoping for chest hair.
“Guys! The beast is loose on main street! We need to…” Cordelia trailed off when she saw the two visitors “Oh…hello”
“Hello, I’m Monica” The angel said from her place on Angel’s arm.
“I’m Cordelia, and this is Connor”
Monica stepped forward. “Oh! How lovely. He has your eyes, oh and his father’s brow. Too bad he didn’t get his smoldering good looks, eh? Oh don’t worry, dear, I’m sure you’ll grow into that head” Sometimes Monica really loved this gig.
Cordelia blanched. “No…Connor’s not my son”
“Oh. I’m so sorry” Monica apologized, stifling a laugh.
“Ya, Baby, you just look like someone who once changed the boy’s diapers that’s all. Simple mistake” Tess offered, wanting to get in on the game.
“Right…” Cordelia said, beads of sweat forming on her forehead.
For a moment it was silent. And then Monica couldn’t take it anymore.
“Ok. This is just too… Normally we simply appear and guide people from the peripheries allowing them to make their own choices before finally revealing who we truly are, but this is really disturbing and I want to finish this assignment as quickly as possible”
Monica looked to Tess for approval. She nodded.
“Ok, we’re angels.”
In a flash both women were clad in white power suits, and giving off a faint orangey glow.
“Big deal. I can do that” Cordelia scoffed.
“Yes, Baby Doll, but we glow with the light of the glory of God, not with the side effects of demon DNA” Tess said with a sassy finger snap.
“Now I’m here to say that many of you have traveled down the wrong paths, but God loves you all…” Monica stopped and looked at Conner “Well…except maybe you”
She began with the vampire. He stood ashamed as her eyes scanned him up and down.
“Angel, you lost your head when you lost your son and instead of turning to God, you turned to dark magic to allow you to open a portal and get him back. This had serious consequences for all of your loved ones. Consequences that you didn’t take the time to think through”
“No evil spells…but how about gospels” Tess chimed in, sagely.
Monica moved to the next person.
“And Charles. You valued your pride more than anything in this world, more than Winifred’s love and God’s love, and it led you to kill a human being”
“Cut the attitude…get with beatitudes”
“Winifred. Well, you’ve been pretty ok, but God would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t whine quite so much”
“Less qualms…more psalms”
When she got to the seer, Monica slowly shook her head in the most condescending way she could. Cordelia set her jaw and folded her arms contemptuously across her chest.
“And Cordelia. You betrayed the trust of the one you love and the one who loves you. You confused comfort with casual sex, and broken hearts in ways you cannot even begin to understand.”
“Less statutory rape” Tess paused, “…just less statutory rape”
Seeing Cordelia’s painful and continual eye lock with Angel, Connor jumped forward with a violent shake of his fist.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, Tubs”
Tess exploded. “Tubs! He just called me Tubs! Listen here you little rat-faced punk. You are dealing with some real power here. And I might just have to call in a little angelic favor”
“I’d like to see you try” Connor sneered.
Tess rolled her shoulders back. She arched a daring brow and snapped her finger.
A young man with the build of a karate master, donning his own white suit, entered the Hyperion.
Monica smiled. “Oh, Andrew.”
“Hello, Monica.” He turned to the sneering boy. “Connor? We need to go for a little walk”
Connor pulled away from Andrew’s grip. “Who are you?”
“Well, I’m an angel. But right now I’m working in a wish granting capacity”
“You’re going to grant my wishes?” Connor asked, a hopeful smile playing on his lips.
“Not exactly….” Andrew answered, leading the boy out the door. He looked back once and gave Tess an esoteric nod.
When the two had left, the group looked to Tess for an explanation.
“Ok, Connor’s dead” She said matter of factly, as she walked over to the ottoman in the center of the room.
“What?” Cordelia exclaimed. Tess whipped around, and huffed indignantly.
“Oh calm down, Miss Thing. This is why vampires don’t breed. You wind up with that”
Cordelia looked out the open door. “I can’t believe this…”
“Baby Doll Girl Puddin’ Sweety Honey Sugar…” Tess trailed off, twisted up in her own preface. She thought for a moment and continued. “You just diddled a boy who spent sixteen…that’s right sixteen…years wallowing in a hell dimension. If I were you I’d be less concerned about Andrew’s job and a little more concerned about diseases”
Cordelia stepped forward, but Charles held her back with a steadying hand on her shoulder. Tess turned back to the ottoman and the items it held. Crosses and holy water lay in piles where Winifred had collected and organized them.
“You’ve got an impressive collection here. But crosses are made for wall hangin’”
Monica took Tess’ arm. “I think we’re done here. It’s time to go help Randy Travis…again” Her friend nodded in agreement.
She looked back at the group from the hotel’s doorway.
“Life is a blessing. It is a gift from God. Don’t waste it.”
Arms still linked, Monica and Tess walked down the street, their eyes skyward. After a moment Monica felt someone take her other arm. It was Andrew.
“How did it go?” Monica asked.
“It’s done” He replied.
Tess cleared her throat. “Seek and find the kingdom of his love. Make him first in everything you do” She sang deeply
Monica tugged on Andrew’s arm. “I didn’t think the angel of death was actually suppose to kill people. I thought you were meant to lead them”
“I did lead him,” Andrew argued with a sly grin, “In front of a bus”
“If you just trust and never doubt what he says”
Andrew dug around in his pocket and after a few seconds produced a limp, severed finger.
“Tess, I saved this for you”
The wise old angel took the finger and smiled. “All good things will be added on to you”
Freeze frame on a dove.