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Better Off Dead

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Summary: Oh, if only Jenny, Doyle, Tara etc had lived. Then everyone would be married, have kids and be happy. Or would they? A collection of short AU stories.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
BtVS/AtS Non-Crossover > Comedy(Past Donor)KiwikatipoFR131319,65633912,4891 Jan 0713 Mar 07Yes

Jesse, Doc, Gavin, Knox

A Valentine’s Day tale.

Location:Los Angeles,California

Angel liked to personally meet all new employees. This hulking Scandinavian troll, seemed the perfect candidate, to join the security guard team at Wolfram and Hart.

Olaf understood the no human blood policy. He hoisted his hammer over his shoulder, lumbering out of the room.

Jesse McNally, hailed from Sunnydale, a master’s graduate from California Institute of Technology, he would fit in well with Illyria’s Research and Development department. Jesse was not evil in the slightest, which made a nice change. Jesse dated Buffy on and off during high school. But Angel could be mature about it.

Doc, on the other hand, was definitely evil, but great with spell knowledge, so to the Magical Countersuits Department, the tailed demon was welcomed.

The three new employees settled down nicely into the family company, that was Wolfram and Hart these days.

Angel asked Harmony, his personal assistant, how she thought the newbies were fitting in, after they both finished having sex on his desk one evening.

Harmony pulled down her skirt. Harmony got her soul back in Africa, two years ago, because obviously this was the ‘in thing’ to do.

Harmony, the blond, teenage appearing, Californian, souled vampire, now struggled with major issues, concerning the like, totally, evil things she’d done since May 1999. Harmony always wanted to barf, when she remembered eviscerating the occupants of a broken down school bus, lost after coming back from a field trip, for instance.

Angel couldn’t help being sexually attracted to the new Harmony. Their torrid affair violated Wolfram and Hart's anti-sexual harassment policies in the work place, and gave Angel something new to guiltily brood about, so his soul was quite safe.

“The troll and Jesse are working out great, Boss.” Harmony held some letters under Angel’s nose to be signed, the original purpose of her visit to his office. “But Doc, seems to be in the R & D department, all the time. His supervisor's peed.”

“Spying? To help bring about an apocalypse?” Angel retrieved his pen from under the desk, and scrawled his signature on the letters.

“Think about it, Angel.” Harmony smirked, Angel could be so dumb sometimes, about clicking onto the obvious right under his nose.

“Still don’t get it, Harm.” Angel shrugged, folding his arms, watching Harmony sexily strutt out of his office, her left, high heel, shoe catching on the carpet in the door threshhold, and nearly tripping her up.

Angel bit his knuckles and worried about the moral rightness of their affair.


“Oh for god’s sake, Lilah, stop embarrassing yourself!” Wesley snapped at Lilah, when he came into their apartment that night.

Both brought back from Hell, at Angel’s insistence (after he brought down the Circle of Black Thorn and slew a dragon), to continue working for Wolfram and Hart, it felt natural to Wesley and Lilah to fall straight back into their dysfunctional relationship.

Lilah sprawled on the living room leather couch, naked and painted blue.

“I thought this was what you wanted, lover.” Lilah got up. “Guess I was wrong. Do you want to join me in the shower, while I wash this dye off?”

“Please, leave it on.” Wesley instructed cruelly. He saw Lilah’s face fall in hurt. “I was joking Lilah, let’s get that idiotic discoloration off you, by all means. I insist on scrubbing your back.”

Lilah tried to hide her smile of relief. Wesley wasn’t madly in love with Illyria, like Gunn and Spike were, after all.

Wesley saw her smile. Whew, that was close. Wesley didn’t want Lilah to get suspicious of the fact, he was indeed infatuated with the haughty, blue goddess.

Although, Wesley retained a certain signed dollar bill in his wallet, that never got spent. Wesley went eagerly to join Lilah in the shower. He was very much into ‘loving the one you were with' these days.


“I find this weapon most inferior, and this contract to get more of them, also.” Illyria sneered at Spike and Gunn, as they hung onto her every word, the next day at work.

Illyria turned to Gavin and Knox, making moon eyes at her. (Also brought back from the dead, in their case, by the Head Office of Wolfram and Harts insistence.) “Why do you stare, oh lowly ones? Where is my beverage of coffee, Park, that I seem to desire first thing in the morning?”

“Right here, Illyria.” Gavin passed Illyria, a steaming brew purchased from Starbucks. He restrained himself heroically, from flinging himself down at her feet, and kissing her toes in besotted worship.


Valentine’s day. Harmony examined the two offerings, the snowed under mail boy, left on her desk. A bunch of carnations, probably sent from that pervert in accounting, and a bouquet of red roses. Traditional but adequate. Harmony checked Angel’s bank statement online, and saw he’d spent a decent amount on them at the florist.

Harmony walked across the reception lobby, wearing a pleased smile on her face. She took the elevator up to Research and Development, to collect a hopefully improved pencil sharpener, she’d asked Knox to tamper with.

In the Research and Development lab, Harmony discovered Illyria, standing in the middle of a sea of flowers, looking most perplexed.

“I cannot eat this foliage. So why was it sent to me? And why anonymously, from different senders?” Illyria demanded imperiously.

“You can like work out who they’re from, no problem, Illyria. Like the single lily arrangement, surrounded by the three, dripping with blood, Billy goat tails? They’ll be from Olaf, troll mating ritual.” Harmony peered closely at another bunch of flowers. “Ooh and these Violets? From Gunn. ‘Violetta’, this dumb Gilbert and Sullivan operetta, he’s been playing non stop recently.”

Jesse marched into the Research lab determinedly, carrying a huge, red foil covered, chocolate heart under his arm. He held it out to Illyria expectantly.

“I can’t keep how I feel for you bottled up any longer, Illyria!" Jesse cried out, impassioned with desire for the god-king Illyria. "Be my Valentine, baby?”

“Leave my presence at once, before I remove your head with my sword. Your feeble confectionary offering nauseates me.” Illyria pointed to the exit door.

Jesse slunk off, deciding to call a suicide hotline, so he didn’t kill himself out of despair.

“I do not understand this world at all.” Illyria announced, a trace of fear crossing her features. “Why do males act this way towards me?”

“Duh. It’s because you’re in Fred’s shell.” Harmony explained impatiently. “Every male in the building, can’t help falling in love with you.”

“How odd.” Illyria still didn’t understand.

“Crapolla!” Harmony spotted a bouquet of traditional red roses, in the pile at Illyria’s feet.

The End

You have reached the end of "Better Off Dead". This story is complete.

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