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Noisy Beast

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Summary: s4 - Anya wants Xander to deal with a noisy beast in the woods.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Miscellaneous > CommercialsLucindaFR131671161,3705 Jan 075 Jan 07Yes
Author: Lucinda
rated y-14 - it's strange but mostly harmless.
disclaimer: if they were on BtVS, Joss & co own them. The rabbit is from a skittles commercial.
distribution: you want it? uhh... okay.
notes: set roughly s4 BtVs.


Xander leaned over the trashcan, letting the curls of wood fall in the can as he carved another stake for Buffy to use on patrol. Life in Sunnydale was... well, never anything close to normal, but tolerable for now. He had an apartment away from his parents. He had a good job working in construction. He had Anya. There hadn't even been an attempted apocalypse or world-threatening demon since that stupid Halloween party, and Gaknar didn't really count.

The door was flung open, and Anya darted through. Slamming it shut, she leaned against it, trembling as she struggled to catch her breath. "Xander... evil noisy... nasty... in the woods... Horrible. Go get it?"

"There's a horrible, evil thing in the woods?" Xander interpreted. "You want me to go kill it for you?"

Anya nodded, still breathing in short gasps. "Please?"

Xander put down the stake and the knife, shaking his head. "The things I do for you... wait. Is it a big scary something? Are you sure we don't need to send Buffy? She is the Slayer, after all."

"It's little. About so big," Anya gestured with her hands, indicating the size of a shoebox. The sort that held sandals or heels, not the sort for boots. "I'm sure you can get rid of the horrible beast."

He took a crossbow and an axe with him, as well as a few stakes and some holy water. In Sunnydale, 'over-prepared' was generally 'just enough prepared' when hunting for anything beyond that last item at the grocery store.

Stopping just inside the trees, Xander muttered, "I'm an idiot. Why did I come out here? How does she talk me into these things?"

There were crickets and mosquitoes. An owl hooted in the distance. Leaves rustled, possibly from the slight breeze, possibly from things lurking behind them.

"So, now I just need to find this horrible little noisy evil thing," Xander sighed. "Sometimes it's not good to be me."

He wasn't certain what made him turn to face the clearing. Some sort of noise? Maybe he caught a flash of motion from the corner of his eye.

Xander blinked at the rabbit, trying to figure out what was wrong with the scene. Trees and shrubs, a few flowers - okay. Fluffy little bunny - okay. No horned or slimy monsters - always a good thing. It seemed... cute. Like something from a musical or kid's movie. Or maybe a nature program.

He'd lived in Sunnydale for too long to accept that at face value. Something had to be wrong. Spinning, he checked to make sure nothing large and hideous was sneaking up behind him. Nothing.

There was a little cough from the rabbit.

Turning back to face the fluffy bunny, Xander scowled. "What are you? You can't be a normal rabbit. Not here."

The rabbit started to sing. It sounded like some sort of yodeling opera, as performed on a really old washing machine that danced and shook around the Laundromat floor when it got to the spin cycle.

"A tone-deaf, singing rabbit..." Xander stared at it, debating the merits of just shooting it anyhow. "Anya was right; it is a horrible, noisy beast."

In the end, after three choruses of whatever the warbling song was, Xander had the rabbit tucked in a boot-box, with a few holes poked into it for air, tied with twine, and labeled to be delivered to Angel in LA. The note said - 'Enjoy your new pet. If you don't like him, send him to your crazy daughter and her menace of a boyfriend. Xander.'

"Angel should get a kick out of that. And Dru... God, it's just the sort of thing I can see her with," Xander shuddered. "Now I need to get that image out of my mind."

When he got home, Anya was suitably grateful with him for 'freeing Sunnydale from that horrible beast'.

And all was good in Xander's life.

End Noisy Beast.

The End

You have reached the end of "Noisy Beast". This story is complete.

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