Disclaimer: I don't own either canon.
Timeline: For House, early season 1, before any of the characters had any kind of romantic entanglements, with each other or elsewise. For BtVS, it's AU, but starts roughly at the same time as the beginning of season 1. There are still vampires, and Buffy already knows she's a slayer. Cordelia's parents run into their tax trouble several years earlier, and Willow's magic begins to manifest itself earlier and in a different way. Basically, same characters as season 1 of Buffy, and same premise (Buffy as the slayer, meeting up with the Scoobies, etc), but a different setting, and a lot of AU's in terms of family for both canons.
Author's Note: This is a kind of crazy idea, but for some reason I couldn't help myself. Writing House (both the character and the canon at large) is probably going to be very difficult for me, so all input and criticism (and helpful suggestions!) will be greatly appreciated.
Buffy Summers put her hands over her ears, knowing even as she did that it wouldn't help in the least. Darned slayer hearing. For that matter, darned slayer everything! If she hadn't been called, none of this would be happening. Her parents wouldn't have been fighting, she wouldn't be trying not to overhear them, and...
"What?!" Buffy yelped, truly taken aback by what she'd heard. Her father had been ranting about her behavior, about the gym (full of vampires! hello!) and the staying out late and even the clothes she wore. And her mother had been yelling right back at him, and then, her father had dropped those five earth-shattering words.
"She's my daughter, not yours."
What was he talking about? Not her mother's daughter? That was ridiculous. Sure, they had vastly different hair. And maybe their facial structures were kind of different. And their fashion senses didn't mesh at all, but Joyce Summers was her mother.
"I raised her as mine." Buffy heard Joyce argue back. "You knew I couldn't have children and you got another woman pregnant, and I raised her as mine. I loved her as mine!"
Loved, past tense? Buffy wondered. In all of her wildest teenage daydreams, she'd never seen this coming. Joyce had always been her rock, the parent she could maybe-sort-of-kind-of count on. If either of her parents wasn't really her parent, it should have been her dad, who loved his money more than he did her.
"She's my daughter, Joyce, not yours, and I'll raise her as I see fit!"
Buffy heard muffled sobs. And then a slamming door. And that was the last she heard of her mother.
Cordelia Chase was many things. Popular, certainly. Beautiful. Spoiled rotten. And, largely, ignored. By her father. By the stepmother who she'd referred to as "Mom" since she was five. By the older brother who hated it that she referred to their stepmother as mom, when it totally wasn't her fault, since it wasn't like she remembered their actual mother to begin with.
At school, no one ignored Cordelia Chase. They couldn't. She was popular and beautiful and at the center of everything. She had friends who adored her, peons who worshipped her, and more shoes than any girl could ask for. And then one day, she came home, and her stepmother was in hysterics and her father had his mouth set in a grim line, and all Cordelia could do was huff and toss her hair over her shoulder.
"Tax fraud?" she scoffed, figuring that if she could scoff at it, it couldn't be true. "Yeah. Right."
Buffy was in hell. Either that, or a really crappy mental institution. It was a real tossup. Sometimes, life really sucked. First she'd lost her mother, who wasn't really her mother. And then her father had her committed, and now, she'd overheard one of the doctors mention that her father had written them a very large check and had taken a leave of absence. To Spain. With his secretary.
Now she was stuck here, and there was no way out. She was drugged, and her head hurt, and if her mother wasn't her mother, and her dad wasn't acting like a dad at all, then maybe she was an orphan. Maybe she was Little Orphan Buffy, and she should be tap dancing with a shaggy dog instead of fighting things that go bump in the night. And maybe there weren't any things at all. Maybe she was crazy.
Or maybe, she thought as she managed to bend her metal bed out of shape and back in again with her slayer strength, the rest of the world had gone crazy, and she was the only sane one left.
TBC... Cameron and Chase get teenage-shaped surprises...