The Slayer and the Dwarf
Title: The Slayer and the Dwarf
Author: The man with the beard
Disclaimer: If I would own them why would I be here. Of course I don't own them.
Summery: A Buffy/LotR X-over.Buffy and Gimli are trying to drink each other under the table.
The Slayer & the Dwarf
The Common Room of the inn was crowed and everybody seemed to be in a good mood. It
was busy and loud. A bard was playing in the front of the fireplace. The fireplace wasn't lit,
because it was a hot summer night. The innkeeper even had a few windows open to let a few
breezes in to cool off the hot atmosphere.
"Hey, bartender! Another round for my friend and me."
The voice came from a petite blond, who was sitting with a Dwarf at the back. They had been
sitting there for hours and they seemed to be trying to drink each other under the table. And
what was so amazing, was that the petite woman seemed to be winning. Dwarves were
famous for their capacity of drinking large quantity of ale. He quickly took two pints of ale
and brought them to their table. He put it in front of them.
"Dank you good man."
Buffy laughed, when she uttered it with her best Giles' impersonation. Gimli didn't understand
the joke, but Buffy laughter was too infectious and he was too drunk for not to join in. The
innkeeper left with his head shaking in disappointment. He clearly disapproved of women
getting drunk especially in his establishment. Buffy ignored him or didn't notice it. She held
her drink up in a toast, which Gimli mimicked.
"What are we drinking on this time, Grumpy?"
She was the only one, who could get away with calling him that. But he had had his revenge a
while back, when he had found out a way to get back at her.
"How about..." Gimli was looking around and saw a big barrel of ale or spirit. "That big barrel
there and that we have enough money to drink it empty, Barbie"
Buffy burst out in a fit of laughter and then she hefted her ale. "To the barrel, that needs to be
emptied." She took a large draught. A few of the patrons who overheard her followed her
suite. "And if we run out of money, we can always put it on Strider's tap."
Again they burst into laughter. When they both looked up, they saw some guys belonging to
the race of Man looking down on them. The middle man, who seemed to be the leader winked
at her. Buffy looked disinterested at them. Then he spoke. He didn't sound very intelligent
"What is a fair lady like you doing with a Dwarf?"
It took awhile for the words to register.
"Why don't you come over here (directing toward an empty table) and keep us company?"
Buffy laughed straight into his face, which he didn't like, and then she answered his question.
"Why would I want to depart from the company of my loyal and easy going Dwarf, to sit with
a couple of losers, who needed their mothers to wipe their arses!"
Buffy saw the slap coming, but didn't try to avoid it. The sound of the slap brought a hush
over the crowd and they turned to face them. Buffy only moved slightly from the impact of the
slap, it had a very detoxicating effect on her, it cleared her head just enough for her to see
Gimli reaching for his axe, she quickly put out her hand to stop him, then she turned to the
"Maybe now you understand why I prefer the company of a Dwarf over the 'pleasant'
company of Man. I advice you to leave before you get hurt." Buffy was smiling, but a little
note of threatening found its way in her voice.
The three stooges were laughing. The leader spoke again, hardly able to control the laughter in
his voice. "You really think I'm afraid of a drunken Dwarf."
"No, you should be afraid of drunken me. Cause if I was sober, I would have simply thrown
you out." Her voice turned from a warning to a more pleasant tone. "But now that I'm drunk I
expect I will break a few bones."
This made the man angry, he threw another hand at her face, intent on slapping her, but this
time she grabbed it, before it could connect with its target. She squeezed it and crushed his
wrist. As she pushed him away, he began to cry out in pain, the others drew knives. Buffy just
laughed at them.
"The whore broke my wrist ... get her."
Whilst they were planning to attack her, she stretched her arm toward Gimli.
"Can I borrow your axe for a second, Master Dwarf?" Her tone was very calm and polite as if
she was asking him to pass the bread.
"Sure, Milady. But if you chop off their heads, please do it neater than when you chopped off
that troll's head! It took me hours to sharpen it again!" He handed her his axe.
"Hey, it wasn't my fault he had a thick hide." Buffy kept her eyes on the two men, who were
now looking nervous. The man, who was nursing his broken wrist, saw that his friends were
"She is lying. No half pint like her could ever best a troll."
"Men! Why do men always think that size matters?" Buffy made an expert swirl with the axe.
"It must be because, they have small ...." Buffy was showing them her pinky and wiggling it.
They couldn't let her get away with that. Their attacked was uncoordinated and sloppy. Their
war cry almost made her laugh. The first one she disarmed by letting the knife hit her blade.
The blow backfired so hard, that he lost his knife purely from the pain of the blow.
The second she disarmed with a blow to the face, with the flat of the blade. This broke his
nose. He let go of the knife to hold his broken nose with both hands. It took her less then two
seconds to disarm them both. Buffy jumped on the table and spilled their ales. She squatted on
the table to have a more eye to eye contact with the stooges.
"Do you guys really want to continue this?" She gave them a seductive wink.
They were in a shock and just stood there holding and nursing their injured parts.
"That will show them respect for people with the right heights." Gimli looked at the spilled
ale. "Hey, Buffy you spilled the ale. I think they should pay for the next round."
Buffy looked them over and saw that they were dressed wealthy. "That's a good idea. But I
got a better one. Why don't they pay the next round for everybody?"
That comment produced laughter and cheers. Gimli banged on the table in approval. "Show
these scoundrels the hospitality worthy of a Dwarf."
The leader stepped backward toward the exit the other stooges close behind. "It will be a
black day before I pay for a harlot."
A murmur of disapproval through the crowd. Everybody could see that Buffy was a warrior
and worthy of respect. Gimli was planning to get at him with his bare hands, but again Buffy
stopped him. The Leader was about to open the door, when Buffy stopped him with her sweet
"You're going to leave without paying for the drinks?"
The man turned, growled at her and opened the door even further. The door closed with a
bang. Gimli's axe was stuck in the door. The shock on the man's face was evident. He looked
back at Buffy, who now stood on the table and this time she looked back menacingly at him.
"You owe us a drink. Pay up. Before I get really pissed off." Buffy had her hands on her hips.
The man went for the axe with his good hand.
"You touch the axe and I'll shove it up your ass! And I really won't want to do that, because
my friend here would make me clean your shit off his axe." Buffy was now deliberately baiting
him, urging him to do something stupid. He looked her in the eyes and for the first time he
understood, how very dangerous this woman was and that if she wanted to she could have
easily killed him by now. He reached for his coin pouch and threw it to the innkeeper.
"Thank you, Milord." Buffy made a curtsey. "For your extensive generosity."
He made a quick exit with his two stooges, the laughter of the inn following them outside.
Buffy turned to the innkeeper.
"Bartender, was Milord generous for a round on the house?" The innkeeper took the pouch
and counted the coins. His eyes sparkled. "Milord was very generous."
"For two rounds." Buffy put up two fingers and gave him her best smile.
The innkeeper thought about it and knew that two round would cut into his profit. He didn't
like that, something that would come between him and his profit. But on the other hand
showing some generosity would be good for future business. So he nodded and received a
heartily cheer from his patrons. Buffy smiled satisfied and jumped off the table with a back
salto, which received her some applaud. A busboy brought the axe back to her, which she
returned back to Gimli. A barmaid brought them more ale.
Gimli hefted his glass. "And to what may I ask are we drinking to, Barbie." The Dwarf gave
her one of his famous grins.
Buffy thought about it for a sec. "Death, may she give us a long life and peace at the end of
"Ay to Death."
They clinked their glasses. It was Gimli turn.
"To the Journey. May she give us as much happiness as Pain."
"Happiness? I think what I went through you thought I would get some of that happiness."
Buffy bowed her head and then she snapped it back and clinked again with her glass with
Gimli's. "To the Journey."
"You would make an excellent Dwarf girl."
"Oh, god forbid. I think I'm small enough." The Dwarf laughed. "And think about the facial
hair and the wide hips, no thank you." This made Gimli even more laugh.
"You would make an excellent wife, it is a pity you are so skinny and tall."
Buffy burst into a fit of laughter. "You are the first man who ever accused me of being too
"I bet one of the Hobbits told you that you are big."
It put a smile on Buffy's face to think about the Hobbits. She raised her glass again. "A toast
on Small Packages."
They were drinking and toasting for an hour more before somebody, who was looking very
important entered the inn. Behind him was the leader of the stooges, who were followed
closely by six city guards. Before the man could say anything the stooge pointed at Buffy with
his good hand.
"That's the shrew, which broke my arm and tried to kill me with an axe."
Buffy looked up in some kind of haze and then she recognized the voice and face. "Oh, it is
the gentleman with the small dick." She demonstrated by winking with her little pinky. Which
caused wide spread laughter.
She turned to the important-looking man. "I didn't break his arm, but his wrist. And if I
wanted him dead, he wouldn't be walking or breathing. And who might you be, Mr.
The man didn't like Buffy's tone. It sounded disrespectful. "I'm the Magistrate. I'm here to
arrest you for assault and attempting murder." He was about to wave his forward men to
"I wouldn't do that, if I were you." Gimli was starting to sound drunk.
"And why shouldn't I do it, Master Dwarf." The Magistrate didn't like to be told what to do
or what not to do."
"First of all, the accusations are false. He hit her first. And after warning him, she defended
herself and then he set his two friends on her. She threw the axe at the door to stop him from
leaving without paying his bill." It was very impressive of Gimli to manage such a long speech,
whilst being drunk.
"She forced me to pay for a round."
"It seems that I will have to add extortion to the list of charges." The Magistrate ignored
Gimli didn't like to be ignored so he went on. "And second, you need more men, if you want
to arrest her. I've seen her fight a whole army of Orcs."
The Magistrate and the Guards faces radiated shock and disbelief.
"Come on, Gimli. They have a slight chance. I was sober when I took those Orcs on."
"Do not listen to them they are trying to scare you." It was the stooge who spoke.
Buffy looked at the Guards. "And it seemed to work." Buffy and Gimli started to laugh the
rest of the patrons laughed with them.
"Enough!" The Magistrate was getting angry and impatient. "Guards arrest them."
Before they moved a step, Gimli spoke up again. "I haven't told you the last reason, why you
shouldn't arrest the fair lady." Gimli winked at Buffy, who winked back. "She has a very
influential friend, who wouldn't like the fact that his friend is being falsely arrested."
"And who might that be?" The Magistrate involuntarily asked the question.
"The King of Gondor."
"You are lying." The stooge said as an automatic response, but the Magistrate was more
"How do we know that you are speaking the truth?"
"Cause I don't lie. But maybe I should introduce you to the Lady. Your Honour may I
introduce you to Lady Buffy Summers, Lady Protector of Gondor, Defender of Middle Earth,
Lady of Helms Deep, Scourge of the Orcs, Decapitator of Trolls and the Slayer of Monsters
Buffy blushed, but it wasn't visible because she was already red from all the ale. "Gimli, stop
you are embarrassing me."
"Don't be modest, you like all the attention, you can't fool me."
"Yes, but I can't let it go to my head. I need to be humble or people might get hurt or die
because of it."
While they were bantering, the Common Room of the inn went quiet. They couldn't believe it.
They've heard stories about the Golden Warrior, but if even half of them were true, she must
be an extraordinary warrior. But this small woman couldn't be her, that thought passed
through everyone's heads. And of course the stooge had to utter it aloud.
"You are too small to be her."
"Hey, my friend here tells me I'm too tall." Buffy put an arm around Gimli and they start to
laugh, which ignited the room. After they had all calmed down. "You should know that good
things come in small packages."
She still saw some doubt in the crowed. She pointed to the busboy. "Boy, throw me the
The boy hesitated for a second and then threw the poke to Buffy after she gave him a
reassuring smile. Buffy caught the poke effortless. She looked it over for a second and then
bent it effortless in front of the Magistrate. After she had bent the poke, she threw it to the
biggest guy in the Guard. Everybody watched how he tried to bend it back. Buffy snapped her
fingers to indicate, that he should throw it back, which he did. She bent it straight, and then
threw it back to the boy. She turned toward the Magistrate.
The Magistrate nodded.
"Good, so you aren't going to arrest me?"
Again he nodded.
"Good, then you may leave, we have no need of your service here or you could stay and have
a drink on me."
Before the Magistrate could make a decision, Gimli's voice interrupted him.
"I think we do have need of the service of the Magistrate."
Buffy looked confused. "Why?"
"It is a crime to hit or attack the Lady Protector."
Buffy turned to the stooge with an evil grin. He was shaking in his boots. "Isn't that called
treason?" It was more of a statement then a question. The question was half directed to
The stooge was moving towards the exit, but the Guards stopped him. The Magistrate looked
grim and angry at the stooge for putting him in such a situation.
"An assault on the Lady Protector is like a personal assault on the King."
"Off with his head." Buffy laughed and Gimli joined in, but the crowd was silent. "I always
wanted to say that." She turned to the Magistrate. "But I'm going to be lenient to day because
he didn't know who I was." The occupants of the Common Room took in a collective breath.
"I'm sure we can come up with an alternative punishment."
"Buffy, you are a pushover. I think your first idea was better." Gimli put his axe on the table.
The stooge was trying to pull free from the two guards, but they were holding him with the
years of experience of maintaining the peace.
"Gimli you are way to blood thirsty, why don't you lessen your thirst with some more ale.
Bartender! Some ale for my friend." While the ale was on his way, Buffy turned toward the
Magistrate. "Does Your Honour have any suggestion?" Buffy gave him a warm smile.
The Magistrate smiled involuntarily and couldn't understand why the stooge would hit such a
beautiful woman. "Cutting the hand off, that had offended you."
"No." Came the shout from the stooge.
"Silence, nephew. Be glad that she isn't asking for your head."
"What do I want with his head? I'm not a head-hunter!" Buffy knew that her jokes were lame,
but hey, she had an excuse. She was drunk.
"Why don't we put him for a night in jail and decide what to do with him, when I'm sober?"
"You heard Milady, bring my retched nephew to the guardhouse."
"Hold you tongue, before you make it worse on you." The Magistrate looked very angry and
that shut him quickly up.
Buffy waved him goodbye and threw a few last words at his back. "Don't worry hon, I'm very
creative with my punishment. I might let you sweep the street clean for a month or three. Or
maybe let you clean the stables."
Buffy didn't see the reaction on the man's face, but the tension in his shoulders told her
"I take it back about that pushover comment. You are a cruel woman."
"But you still love me." Buffy gave him her innocent girly look and bent over to kiss him on
the cheek. He blushed, but it didn't show on his already reddened face.
Buffy took another sip from her glass, when she noticed that it was empty. She looked
disappointed at the bottom of her glass. Before she could ask for more, a barmaid put a glass
in front of her and one in front of the Magistrate, who seemed to have joined them. She
thanked the barmaid. Buffy raised her glass to Gimli.
"Whose turn is it?"
Gimli tried hard to think and then utter unsure. "Yours?"
"Okay." Buffy thought for a few moments. "To lost friends and their memories."
"Good choice. Friends and memories."
They clinked their glasses and drank from them. Buffy turned to the Magistrate. "What's up
The man gave Buffy a strange look, Gimli saw it and laughed. "Buffy has a very unique
interpretation of the Common Language. It takes awhile to understand her correctly." Buffy
smiled at the Dwarf. "What she meant to say was how are you doing and do you have some
news to share?"
"I was doing well until my idiot of a nephew ....."
Buffy stopped him by putting her hand in front of him. "It was a question asked to be polite
and a simple fine would have sufficient."
The Magistrate looked confused. Gimli saw it and patted him sympathetically on the back.
"The Lady Protector is a hard woman to understand. It took me six month to understand her."
"Hey." Buffy pushed him just a little too hard and he fell off his chair. She started to laugh.
Gimli looked up from the ground a little grumpy, but started to laugh again. The Magistrate
"May I ask what the Lady Protector is doing in my humble city?"
"Drowning my sorrow in ale." Buffy took another demonstrative draught from her glass.
Gimli stood up from the ground and translate for the Magistrate. "We are on our way back
from an Orc hunt. And we decided to rest here for a couple of days."
"So this isn't an official visit?"
"No, we're just passing through. Afraid we might find some skeletons in you closet?" Buffy
looked sweetly at him.
"Skeletons?" He looked at the Dwarf, who just shrugged his shoulders.
Buffy sighed. "Secrets and lies."
"Ah." Gimli stated.
Buffy looked at the Magistrate. "Don't worry, Monsters are my jurisdiction. Corruption and
bureaucracy scares me too much." She shuddered in a fake gesture.
"There is no corruption in my city." He grinned. "And the bureaucracy I keep to a minimum.
So you have nothing to fear in my city." He hid his grin behind the glass, from which he took a
Out burst a laugh and the ale she had in her mouth. She hit the Magistrate on the back. It was
meant as a friendly pat, but she almost pushed him across the table. She helped him back on
his seat. She laughed and looked guilty at the same time.
"Sorry, forgot my strength there for a second."
The Magistrate was shocked by the power behind the pat. He knew that she was strong. He
saw her bend the poke, but to be at the receiving end, especially if it was just a small tap, was
disturbing at least. No wonder the King made her Lady Protector. Even in her drunken state
she was a power to be reckoned with. Sober she must be formidable. His nephew must have
been a moron for not seeing that. His thoughts were interrupted by Buffy's voice.
".. Honour, how about a toast?"
"Rules of the game. A drink a toast." The Dwarf grinned at the Magistrate.
He picked up his glass. "A toast. Let me see. The King."
"Aragorn? Sucking up aren't we?" Buffy winked, Gimli laughed and the Magistrate look
confused and stern. Buffy stood up a little unsteady on her legs. "To the King, may he always
know Mercy and Wisdom. To the King."
The crowed repeated the last part of her salute. Buffy clinked her glasses with Gimli and the
Magistrate. The Magistrate did it with less enthusiasm, the reason was likely for him not being
drunk. He drank his glass empty and while he stood up, Buffy sat down.
"It sorrows me to say, but I have to depart, for I have to get up early in the morrow." He
bowed to Buffy. "When can I expect You Excellency to discuss my nephew's punishment?"
"Nephew? Oh yeah the stooge. I wouldn't expect My Excellent butt to get out of bed before
noon." Gimli and Buffy had another fit of laughter, after it died down she continued. "I might
come by in the afternoon if the hang-over hasn't killed me or if I don't forget." Buffy grinned
foolishly at him.
The Magistrate made a simple bow and nodded in understanding, before he turned to Gimli.
"Master Dwarf." He simply nodded to him, who returned it.
After the Magistrate left Buffy and Gimli returned their concentration back to their Ale and
noticed that their glasses were empty. They both had a similar frown on their faces they turned
at the same time to the innkeeper.
Which promptly had their empty glasses replaced by full ones. Now that they were alone
again, they went on with their drinking. After an hour Gimli's head fell to the table with a loud
bonk. Buffy pulled his head up by his hair to see if there were any signs of consciousness. But
there were none, so she let his head down gently and turned to the innkeeper, waving him to
"Can you find somebody to drop him in his bed?"
"Yes, Your Excellency."
He was turning back, but Buffy grabbed his apron and pulled him back.
"It is just plain simple Buffy." Buffy saw that he didn't think of her as 'plain simple Buffy'. "If
you can't say Buffy, how about Lady Buffy or Milady. I really don't like Your Excellency."
She gave him a small smile.
"Yes, Milady." Buffy used her puppy eyes. The Innkeeper smile warmly at the woman.
"Yeah, me." Buffy had a really childish expression on her face. "Could you bring me a bottle
of Endolva Tea."
The man looked a little worried at Buffy. "You know that it isn't tea, but strong liquor."
"Why else would I order it?" She gave him a knowing smile. He shrugged his shoulder while
he went for the liquor, he ordered a young strong man to carry Gimli to his bed. The Common
Room was starting to empty itself. There were just a few stragglers and the bard was falling
asleep on his harp.
The innkeeper came back with the bottle and told her that he was going to close the Common
Room. Buffy threw him a coin pouch, the innkeeper thanked her. Buffy walked upstairs to her
room with the bottle. She opened her window and sat on the ledge and looked outside. The
inn was built on a small hill, so she had a good view of the silhouette of the city. She was in
luck, there was a strong fresh breeze from the mountains, that blew most of the city smells
away. The moon was reflecting from the wet roofing tiles. Buffy heard a stray bark in the
distance. Buffy swallowed a big draught from her bottle. The liquid was burning her throat,
but she ignored it.
She hated and loved moments like this. These were moments, when the most vivid memories
were of the things she lost. Somehow in the company of Gimli, the memories were bearable.
Buffy chuckled at the strangeness, that it was the Dwarf that could comfort her. And not
Aragorn, who had so much of Angel, or Gandalf, who resembled Giles so much. Maybe that's
why they couldn't. And Legolas, he was too yummy. Buffy always wanted to know, how
sensitive those pointy ears were.
No, it was his solid and no-nonsense approach to things. Or it might have been for their love
for axes as a weapon. The Dwarf liked her the minute, he saw her throw an axe fifty feet away
with precision. He was also the first to accept her as a warrior, before they saw her in action.
Buffy took another draught and put the bottle on the night stand before dressing in her
nightshirt. She took one last draught before she went under the covers hoping for an oblivious