Title: Stupid Reviewers Must die!
Disclaimer: BtVS and Angel belong to Joss Whedon.
Location: Rome Italy
Summary: Oh, if only some reviewers would drop dead!!!
The afternoon sun shone brightly on the eyes of Andrew Wells in his white walled Roman study, in his white plaster Roman townhouse.
It hurt his orbs. Andrew had been slaving away on his masterpiece all day. He posted his epistle ten minutes ago, and now involved himself in checking his e-mails. Hmm, spam adverts for Viagra again, was the universe trying to tell him something?
The computer pinged. Andrew had mail. Cool! It came from the latest website he posted his stories to, 'Twisting The Death Star'. A site dedicated to cross over fiction between Star Wars and other genres.
What did this reviewer think of his sensitive interpretation of a romance between the head stallion of a herd of ‘my little ponies’ and Chewbacca? Andrew thought his characterizations excellent, the plot ground breaking in his covering of the forbidden topic of cross species intercourse. He’d rated it F21 accordingly.
’Call up my friends Mr. Comma and Mr. Period. It hurt my eyes to read your crap. I have just wasted twenty minutes of my life. Your aliens are not even proper aliens, they come across as humans who have read what an alien is like and then pretend to be one. What is the point of your story? 2/10. ’ Oh how mean, not even private.
Andrew felt quite taken aback by the venom of it all.
Dawn came home from school, flinging her school bag down on the couch and opening the fridge door.
“Hey, Andrew, like why the long face?” Dawn drank milk from the carton thirstily.
“I got a mean review.” Andrew sighed.
“But you like criticism, Andrew, you said it helps you grow as a writer.” Dawn walked over to read over his shoulder.
“Wow, harsh.” Dawn whistled. “Maybe you’re too sensitive, maybe you should stick to posting to the pit of moles? You got more reviews.”
“Voles.” Andrew sighed ruefully. “No, I like the standard on this website better, but there are some real asshole reviewers on this one. Look at this other guy, last chapter, all he writes about is tentacle sex and he criticized the way I made Chewbacca have five whiskers that quivered when he sodomized the head stallion of the my little pony herd, because everyone knows in cannon it's six.”
“Well ignore them, if they like haven’t heard ‘if you can’t say anything nice don’t say it’…” Dawn patted her room mates shoulder fondly. “They can’t all say ‘loved it lol’.”
“Yeah, but I want positive critique, constructive criticism. How else can I get the experience to write my screenplay. 'Andreana, the Slayer of the Vampyres?'” Andrew walked sadly away from his computer.
Time to get ready for his yoga class. Then an evening patrolling the local graveyard with the three Italian newly called slayers he worked as a watcher for.
Andrew rode his moped through the busy streets of Rome, until he arrived at his yoga class.
His instructor Gina was there early. Fondling her pendant.
“Something wrong, Signor Wells?” The attractive curly haired brunette inquired.
“No, I just wish mean fanfic reviewers would die hideously painful deaths.” Andrew joked, rolling out his yoga mat.
Gina’s eyes lit up. Her appearance grew dark and terrible. “Wish granted.”
“Oh crap,” said Andrew in a half hearted fashion. Inwardly he thought this mistake rocked more than when Luke Skywalker blew up the Deathstar.
Andrew read shocked all through the next wee the ‘Odd News from around the world' section in the English language daily Roman newspaper.
The ‘computer deaths’ they were being called. All the people mentioned found dead in front of their computer yesterday.
Here was a middle aged guy in London, U.K., choked to death by tearing out all the pages of Harry Potter book six and ramming them down his throat.
A young woman in Memphis, Tennessee, found dead from blood loss, caused by impaling herself repeatedly on her Lord of the Rings collectors sword.
And finally a Mensa IQ teenager from Johannesburg R.S.A., found suffocated by the plastic dust cover of his Vintage Marvel, Spiderman no 1 comic.
Andrew felt really bad about the whole thing. NOT!!!