Disclaimer: I do not own. Please do not sue.
Xander whistled as he headed to the Magic Box after work.
Today was looking up, OK Anya had dumped him after deciding he wasn’t spending enough time catering to her wants and needs, and he was stuck with the chipped one as a roommate. But, things could be worse, at least the others weren’t pushing him away for his own good anymore and he was getting along with Spike, it was kinda nice to have a guy to play pool and drink beer with.
He opened the door to the Magic Box and eased in letting his eyesight adjust to the dim lighting.
Hmm, someone disconnected the bell on the door again, probably Spike, he liked sneaking in and listening in to the conversations in the back room. Giles would notice in a day or two and he’d be asked to fix it again.
Xander noticed Spike standing next to the door to the back room, his arms were crossed and he looked pissed. Spike caught Xander’s eye and motioned for silence and for Xander to join him next to the door so he could also listen in to the conversation in the back room.
Spike whispered, ”They’ve been discussing us for the last 20 minutes or so. Evidently you’re useless and I’m a threat who’s overdue to be dusted.”
Xander raised an eyebrow and cocked his head to listen in the goings on in the back room.
Buffy’s shrill voice easily carried out to the front,” So it’s decided then, Xander’s still a liability in a fight since he still hasn’t gotten any training,”
“Like she’s ever offered,” muttered Xander.
"But he’s useful with fixing stuff and research so we’ll stop letting him patrol but he can continue to fetch donuts and other odd jobs, and Spike has outlived his usefulness now that Adam’s gone so we’ll go ahead and dust him so he’s no longer a threat. Not that he’s much of a threat right now anyways.”
“It’s for Xander’s own good anyways, he’s not supposed to be doing the fighty thing, he’s normal” said Willow.
“But we might have trouble killing Spike, I think Xander’s sorta made friends with him.”
“No problem” said Buffy “We just tell him we’ve figured out how to get the chip out then after we dust him we tell Xander it didn’t work and Spike didn’t make it through the attempted chipectomy.”
“That should work Xander believes everything we tell him anyways”
“I don’t know girls are you sure about this?” worried Giles, “Xander might not be the smartest tack in the drawer but he’d probably see through your attempt to deceive him.”
Willow snickered “He never has before, why would he start now.”
“You’ve lied to him before?”
“Lots of times, he thinks it was Anya’s idea to leave him, he has no idea we convinced her it would be healthier to find another man who could better fulfill her wants and needs,” she snickered, “we just decided she wasn’t good enough for our Xander shaped friend and let her know it. I still can’t believe we scared her enough to make her leave town.”
“They did what!” hissed Xander
“Not now mate, I don’t fancy being staked.”
“Right, come on Spike we’re leaving”
Xander heads out the door, Spike following closely behind.
Xander walks swiftly back towards the apartment with a determined look on his face, “I think we can avoid the girls for a couple of weeks while I give notice and cancel my lease with the landlord, it was up next month anyways. Do you still have the Desoto?”
“No, I used it to pay off a poker debt about a month ago. Why where are we going?”
“For that matter what makes you think I’ll be going with you?”
“Your choices are kind of limited Spike, you can stay here and be dusted, you can go to Angel and be dusted, you can go off on your own and probably be miserable, or you can leave town with someone who considers you a friend. We will of course prank the heck out of the three of them before we leave.”
Spike considered Xander’s last words and focused on the most important part. “You consider me a friend?”
“I wouldn’t still be living with you otherwise.”
“Right then I guess we’ll stick to the important things then, How will we get to NY with me remaining undusted, why are we going to NY, and what will we do when we get there?”
“I was coming in to tell everybody I bought the van I was looking at, it’s only a couple years old and will get us there no problem, we can set up a place in the back so that you won’t get dusted during the day. In fact, if we swap off we can drive straight through and get there in a few days or we can take the scenic route and do the traditional Great American Road Trip.”
My Uncle Peter is part owner in an exterminating business and I have an open offer for a job whenever I want, from what he’s told me it’ll include room and board, but he’s a tightwad so I’ll have to negotiate for payment above and beyond that. I’ll try and get you some sort of night job.”
“What kind of exterminating business, animals or bugs?”
“I don’t know, every time I ask he changes the subject, still it’s better than here and if there’s nothing else I’ll have my tools and we can live out of the van for a while if need be. It won’t be the first time I’ve lived rough.”
“Sounds good, let’s leave some good prezzies behind for the girls when we leave. You’ll know better than I what’ll freak them out the most.”
“Yup I’m thinking frogs for Willow, Crickets for Buffy and Giles”
“Why crickets and frogs?”
“Willow is terrified of frogs and you can get them from the pet supply store, there’s one downtown owned by a guy you saved from a vamp about a month ago, remember the guy you got discount kittens from?”
“Yeah, that was a good poker night.”
“Uh huh, and crickets in an enclosed space, like a house, are extremely loud, plus we can get several boxes from the bait store for about 10 bucks. Can you imagine coming home after patrol and not being able to sleep due to the noise?” “Plus if we put some in her closet they’ll get all in her clothes and if we open a couple boxes in the basement they’ll start to breed down there and they’ll have to tent the house to get rid of them.”
“Wow pet, that’s just plain evil. You’ve been spending too much time with me.”
“No Spike I was like this before Buffy showed, I used to prank everybody, I've just been focused on other things for the last few years.”
“Let's go take a look at the van and we can figure out how to sun proof it.”
“We’ve reached the place of no return Spike”
“Funny, it looks like a bathroom to me”
“Much worse, it’s a girls bathroom.”
“And we are about to tamper with the most sacred of objects”
“Looks like face paint to me”
“We’ve got frogs in Willows room and crickets in Buffy's closet, that was bad enough, but if they ever find out about the habanero juice in the bottles of foundation we’re dead men”
“Too late for me pet”
“Funny vampire, don’t forget to shake up the bottle.”
“We’d best stop at Willie’s on the way out of town, let em know the girls’ll be on a rampage later…let em get the pacifists out of the way.”
“Let em know where to mail copies of the photos?”
“Photos nothing doing, I want videotape”
“That is a truly evil look Spike.”
Spike preened under the compliment, “I know”
~~~1 hr later~~~
“We can’t run over the sign Spike”
“They reinforced it with concrete and rebar last time you ran it down.”
“Here use this instead”
“A cellphone? What the bloody hell is a cellphone going to do?”
“Look in the rear view and dial 555-5555.”
Spike shrugs and hits the buttons while looking at the slowly disappearing sign in the rear view when he hits send…….BOOM!
“I thought you’d like it.”
Thud, thud, thabibble.
“Hm, some of those pieces went further than I thought”
5 days (and nights). “Your turn to drive fangless.”
18 big gulps, “Mountain Dew is God”
10 burger joints (Taco Bell was SO not going to happen on this trip)
5 diners, “I don’t want to see another burger until, well tomorrow at the earliest”
37 vampires “You are not allowed to get out of the van after dark unless I get out first to kill the beasties you attract.”
0 travel games, ”I am not playing sodding kiddie games with you Xan.”
16 AA batteries for the Game boy, “If I hear one more bleep or boop I’m drowning out the noise with Hank Williams Spike”
1 jumbo bottle of pink stomach stuff , “I told you the breakfast sandwich from the Hess station was a bad idea pet”
1 continuing debate of major proportions “Twinkies” “HoHo’s” “Twinkies” “Hoho’s” “Twinkies” ………
And 47 rest stops later, “How many Big Gulps did you drink today whelp?”
They arrived in the great state of New York.
“Wake up pet we’re almost there”
Xander rubs his eyes and stretches till his back pops. “I gotta tell ya Spike I’m looking forward to getting away from the supernatural stuff for a while. I know we’ll continue patrolling but we won’t have to mess with the research or the big stuff for a little while anyways.”
Xander blinks a couple times, “I just jinxed us didn’t I”
“Well at least an exterminator can’t have too much business with the paranormal, right?”
Spike pulls the van up outside a firehouse that has seen better days.
The guys unload from the van and look up at the front of the building.
They take one look at the sign, sees the ghost with a line through it and Xander starts banging his head against the side of the van while Spike laughs at him.
“Only you pet. Only you”