Only for death...

TITLE: Tales of a Barman
AUTHOR: Methos (Methosivanhoe@hotmail.co.uk)
DISTRIBUTION: If ya want to host it somewhere else just tell me where ya putting it ok? ;)
DISCLAIMER: Ok, Xander belongs to Joss Whedon. Lady Death belongs to Brian Paulido (Otherwise known as god of the Chaos! World)
RATING: FR18

AN: ok, apologies first. Sorry to everyone out there, I haven’t been able to post as many stories as I have wanted to in this fic due to real life problems… everything’s mostly settled down now, new gf, still job hunting but prospects are looking good. So I’m back in the saddle and ready to write… Yay lol

M


“I’m telling you Giles she was a goddess, a real goddess. Like glory only more beautiful. She came in here talking about some judgment war, she was like nothing I had ever seen before.” Xander took a breath, letting his mind drift back to the night before.

“Why don’t you start at the beginning Xander, what did you say her name was? Maybe we can ascertain the identity of this goddess or whoever your patron was.” Giles smiled, taking a sip of his Guinness.

“Death.” Xander said with a quirk on his lips. “Lady Death, Giles I hope we find her. She was… oh god, she was perfect.”

“Please, do go on.” Giles smiled as his put his drink down. When Xander had said death he nearly spat out his drink over the bar, he was sure that Xander had done it on purpose, either that or the boy simply did have the worst timing in the world.

Xander’s eyes glazed over as he thought back to the previous night…



He was stood behind the bar, cleaning glasses as he tended to do when he was bored. It was more like a zen thing now, something he let his body do while his mind drifted off to other places.

“Ahem!”

Quickly spinning around from his cleaning, he nearly dropped the glass at the sight that assaulted his eyes. Sat on the bar, not on a stool but on the actual bar was the most perfect woman he had ever seen in his life. Pure white skin, the same colored hair and eyes, she had no pupils or iris, her eyes were just pure white.

“Sorry,” he gulped, trying to clear his mind and not come off as a complete fool. “What can I get for you?”

“You will tell me where I am first of all barkeep.” The voice resonated through the bar. Not just power but an air of command in the voice, almost authority on ‘his’ level.

“Uh… Nights bar, Cleveland. Can I get you a drink or anything?” Xander said, trying to come off as cool. He still couldn’t take his eyes off the ‘costume’ she was wearing. It was almost a bikini but not quite, more cloth then lingerie but not by much, and it was all pure leather, with gold skulls emblazoned as strategic points on the outfit. It was all topped off by thigh high leather boots that almost looked like stockings and a black velvet cloak.

“Cleveland… I know not of that land. Where in the necropolis are we? Tell me!” as she spoke the last words her eyes lit up with arcane energy before it coalesced around her hand, almost singing the air with it’s intensity.

“I don’t know of any necropolis, sorry, you’re on earth. Cleveland is in the united states.” Xander said quickly, trying to appease this goddess in front of him.

“Earth? It cannot be! Can the curse truly be broken?” she said, the energy gone now replaced with almost a hopeful smile on her lips.

“This is earth, that much I’m sure of. Can I get you a drink of some sort or anything at all?” Xander said, when she smiled the entire bar lit up. It was breathtaking; the effect her blood red lipstick had, combined with the pure white of her skin was truly… well, breathtaking.

“What ale do you serve barkeep? Also I would speak to the owner of this tavern. Tell him Lady Death, defeater of Lucifer and chosen ruler of all hell is here to see him.” She said, stepping down from the bar.

“That would be me, my lady, Xander Harris. I am the owner of this bar, sorry tavern. What can I do for you?” Xander hesitated. He recognized the way she spoke, it was the same way the women spoke in those old period drama’s that Buffy loved to watch. He didn’t want any trouble, besides if this ‘Lady Death’ had truly defeated Lucifer, he wasn’t in any shape to take her down.

“Good, do you know of Ernest Fairchild or his campaign of megadeath? Or perhaps the Armageddon wars?” She asked, anger flaring in her eyes as he shook his head.

“Sorry my lady but neither of those rings any bells. It could be however that you are not on your earth, this bar, all of Cleveland sits on top of a dimensional nexus.” He said before going silent, hoping she would believe him and not level the bar. The wards hadn’t even told him that she had arrived in the bar, they still weren’t recognizing her presence. The only things that could get in this bar without triggering the wards were beings with celestial blood in their veins.

“Not my earth? I am cursed never to walk earth again until all the living are gone, now you tell me I am home at last but it is not my home?” her anger flared again, the energy returning and swirling round her body. “What is this place? What are those… things on your wall?” she said, flinging a burst of energy at the trophy wall. Fortunately it dissipated before doing any damage. He didn’t want to think about what would happen if it had hit the wall. He could feel the power radiating off her, to say it was immense would be an understatement. If you took Glory and placed her next to Lady Death it would be like placing a double a battery next to a nuclear power plant.

“They are gifts my lady. From patrons that have passed this way, they have left a tale for me and a gift for my wall. It is a tradition that has been going on for a while now, can’t even remember how it started to be honest.” Xander smiled as she seemed to simmer down again. “Have you a tale you would like to share with me?” he said in his most polite tone. He may not be quite as silver tongued as Giles but he could still pile on the charm when it counted.

“I’m home, truly home.” She said, as tears streamed down her cheeks.

“I’m happy for you.” Xander said at last, not really knowing what else to say. Give him a demon or a vampire and he knew what to do with them, a crying lady… no a crying goddess? That puzzled and scared him.

“Thank you,” She said, walking over to the wall to examine it closer. “Some of these artifacts have arcane energy in them, others have celestial energy. Tell me, what sort of bar is this where you have beings from both sides of the war come in and leave you objects of theirs?”

“It’s just a bar, I just have some interesting clients. Can I get you something to drink my lady?” Xander said, slipping back into the comfortable bartender mode and trying not to notice how those boots made her hips sway and… definitely trying not to look as she bent over and her cape fell to the side, lingerie… definitely lingerie, bikini’s covered more than that.

“Tell me, do you have Fireale here?” she asked walking over to the bar and sitting down.

“Sure do, fresh shipment in every week. Got quite a few demons that drink this stuff, one of our regulars, Balthazor, he swears by the stuff.” He grinned as he opened the bottle and poured it into a glass.

“Thank you,” she said, taking a sip of the ale. “Thank you. You are the first mortal I have spoken to in over three hundred years, it has been most pleasant.” She smiled at him.

“Thanks.” He said, damn that smile again. He couldn’t get that smile out of his mind, it was intoxicating. He just wanted to do anything for her.

“I hope I can come back this way again sometime, but I have a war to wage and Armageddon to prevent. Maybe one day I shall return to this earth, if you are still here then I will come and speak to you again.” She said, draining the fireale in one gulp.

“Sure.” Damn that was impressive, even balthazor couldn’t drain a glass of that stuff in one go.

“This, I leave for your wall. It was written about me long ago by… by a friend.” She raised her hand before firing a blast of energy at the wall. When the light faded there was an old parchment there with a poem on it.

“Do not forget me Xander Harris.” She said before pulling him over into a scorching kiss.

“Believe me, I don’t think that would be a problem. I hope you get home safely.” He said as she pulled away.

“When hope is gone, all that is left is death.” She said cryptically before vanishing in a bright blue energy blast.




“That was it G-man, you ever heard of her before? Lady Death, took down Lucifer, Ruler of hell? Any of this ringing a bell?” he said with a smile. “If something like that has slipped by the watchers… well you guys must really be sleeping on the job.” He grinned as Giles spluttered into his Guinness and sprayed it across the bar.

Chuckling to himself he reached up and touched his lips, he could still feel the press of her lips against his, the warmth or her body. Damn, never get a good night’s sleep at this rate.

Moving over he read the poem for the tenth time today, only for death…





AN: ok, my fave character here. Lady Death of the Chaos! Universe. If you haven’t read any of her stuff, give it a go.
for those who don't know the character, quick piccie underneith to give you an idea of what she looks like, definitely the stuff of dreams.

M