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Of Smurfs And Vampire Lords

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Summary: Okay this is not connected to Queen of Nosgoth. It's part of a series of Oneshots I'm writeing about....Dun Dun Dun, Kain and Illyria.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Games > Horror > Legacy of KainTurelFR1811,0500170810 Feb 0710 Feb 07Yes
Legacy of Kain belongs to Eidos, Angel belongs to Joss Whedon. Just so you know in this verse, Kain is working at Wolf Ram & Hart. Why? I don't know.....

It was a perfectly normal day in Los Angeles, the sun was shining, birds were singing (Well it was more of a choking gasping sound). And Spike had a bounce in his step and ants in his pants. Well, he wasn't really bouncing and nothing was in his pants other than the obvious. All and all, it was a normal day at Wolf Ram & Hart. So when a huge fireball erupted from Kain's office, he was more than surprised. Indeed if he still possessed the capability he would a crapped himself.

Oh wait, he did.

Unearthly howls and moans were emanating from Kain's office, sometimes followed by a booming sound. Angel and Wesley came running down the Hallway.

"What's that sound?" Wesley screamed over the chaos.

"What's that smell?" Angel asked.

The entire building shook as a deep throaty roar emerged from Kain's office. Spike's eye's darted about, thinking about a way to get out of this. At last he came to the conclusion that dying would be better than dealing with that fact he had crapped his pants. He darted into the doorway, waiting for any kind of horror to leap out and decapitate him. What he saw was so horrifying he let loose a scream of sheer terror. Flesh twisted, became protean, ran over bones like water, then reformed as a red shell bristleing with spikes, only to once more become liquid.

Limbs twisted and bent and stuck out at unnatrual angles and spasmed in some twisted reflection of joy. Spines were broken, snaking through skin and wiggling about like some horrid snake. Bones shattered, pierced skin, shot away from the mass and lodged in the walls. Flashs of light erupted from the horrific thing. One corner of the room was melting. Another was covered in a thick sheet of ice. The thing was hovering a few feet above Kain's desk. Head's were smashed in only to reform in an instant.

The thing Spike was seeing was beyond his comprehension. So terrifyng that his mind, unable to handle the pychic shock of it collapsed in on itself, he was unaware of the fact that the sheer magical force of the act transpiring before him was actually warping his own flesh. His skin burned, twisted and tore, his bones creaking with strain and finally breaking. At last his flesh blew apart, and what was left of him was tossed backward, slamming into the wall so hard it actually phased right through. Angel and Wesley looked at each other in sheer terror as the entire building shook.

Wesley took one step toward the doorway before a blast of raw energy sent him flying back. The windows began to break one by one. Angel looked around at the walls dissolved in goo. Luckily for him the thing causeing the severe dimensional disturbance was engulfed in light. The mind altering effects that had caused Spike's brain the explode in his melting skull did not disturb him. But he could feel the energy changing him, altering his very D.N.A. Finally he heard a horrid shreking/gagging/chokeing sound, followed by a noise like a lamb with blood in its lungs. And then, the world turned white......


Wesley stepped through the hole in the wall. Breathing heavily, his hair had turned white, and his teeth had fallen out. He blinked his now purple eyes. His skin was now covered in a sticky, gray goo that he could not dislodge. He stumbled around for a bit, making small wheezeing sounds. Angel, he had to find....

"Angel?" He asked, his voice was low and throaty. A combination of the fact that his vocal cords had been burned and that he had grown a third lung. Angel had changed.....

Into a woman.

"Ah Hell." He....She said, looking down at herself. Suddenly a whiplike thing covered in spines rose high above his...her head.

A woman with a tail.

"What.......the.......Hell......happened?" Wesley asked. Entering Kain's office, Angel followed, trying to keep his tail spines from pokeing him. Kain's desk had been smashed, melted and burned. In the middle of the wreckage stood two figures. One was naked. The other was pulling his pants up.

"Kain?" Angel asked, reeling.

"Illyria?" Wesley squeaked.

"That was.....enjoyable." Illyria said, waving her hand. In an instant her suit apeared and covered her body.

"Indeed it was." Kain said. Both had barely noticed the two mutants before them.

"Uh....guys." Angel asked. "Little Help?" He.....she said, pointing to her breasts.

"Ha ha, you're a bloody woman!" Spike said as he used his tenticles to pull himself along. The bones in his limbs had melted and his body had almost completely turned inside out. His head was the only thing that had not changed. Angel whiped the vampire-thing in the head with his tail.

"Illyria....Kain.....what?" Wesley asked, stunned.

"Wesley-creature, you told me that I could better adjust to my loss of power by experiencing human customs."

"Illyria and I were both bored, so we decided do go on what you puny mortals might call a 'date'." Kain explained.

"We then decided to engage in what humans call....intercourse."

"Doggy style." Kain added, looking around at the destroyed building.

"Yes." Illyria said.

"Indeed." Kain said, poking a pool of jelly that might have been a person.

Angel's mouth dropped.

"What?" Wesley echoed himself.

"Intercourse." Illyria repeated herslef.

"Doggy style." Kain said, turning away to examine Spike's mutated body.

" and Illyria are......Doing the Dew?" Spike asked.

Illyria did not answer, she simply took Kain by the hand and opened a portal.

"Come I must show you the Shrimp Realm, there we can engage in acts of sex that will tear the very fabric of that universe."

"Very well. This time I'm on top." Kain said, following the Old One.

"Oh Dear God." Wesley said, watching the portal close. "Kain and Illyria...."

"Never thought they could stand each other." Spike said. "Think it'll last?"

"I give it a month." Angel said.


Kain and Illyria sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love then comes marriage then comes HORRIBLE BLUE VAMPIRE BABIES! OH THE HORROR!

The End

You have reached the end of "Of Smurfs And Vampire Lords". This story is complete.

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