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you did WHAT On your star?

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Summary: Xander was out having a nice quiet drink with his best bud.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Star Trek > VoyagerTjinFR1365,745813954,94221 Feb 071 Mar 12No

NOTE: This chapter is rated FR15

well... great.

(A/N) Well I told myself this one wouldn’t be continued, but this kind of stuck with me and wouldn’t let me go.

So you now get to benefit of the demented ramblings of my muse.

Hope this doesn’t mentally scar anyone worse than they already are.


Xander stood as straight as he could before the current voice of god, while most speakers for the almighty went with names like La Metatron or Prophets this terrifying person simply went by Captain Kathryn Janeway.

“Perhaps you would care to explain Mr. Harris.” The captain and force majeure aboard the Federation starship Voyager asked as she continued to glare at the walking talking living embodiment of a migraine aboard her ship.

“Well you see, it’s a funny story really and you know while were on the subject of funny have you heard Neelix story about the Gramblort and the three broken Spree? It goes like this, a Gramblort was drifting through the bog…” Xander trailed off as the Captain’s glared doubled. “You’ve heard that one then.” Xander tried weakly as the captain let out a quiet sigh and composed herself before looking back at Xander.

“How many does this make?” she asked as Xander tried to look anywhere but at the highest ranking human within almost a hundred light years.

“Two or three?” Xander tried as the captain continued to stare at him disbelievingly. “Three or four?” He hedged as the captain tapped a key on the pad and checked it before spinning it around and sliding towards him.

“Eleven to be exact Mister Harris, Eleven planets you have been permanently banished from. One of which actually had to pass a law ALLOWING them to banish you.” The captain said as she leaned back in her chair and watched the young man doublecheck her records sheepishly.

Xander looked over the information before looking back up at her. “It wasn’t my fault, I mean who would leave a loaded…”

“You were told not to touch ANYTHING!” the captain said as Xander jumped to his own defense.

“The Doc managed to grow them all back and I think it’s rather unfair to blame the entire thing on me anyway since they said it wouldn’t set them back too far.” Xander defended as the captain added a frown to her glare.

“Fifty years, while technically is only a minor set back on something like that, the fact it was scheduled for release this year is more than a small annoyance.” The captain stated coldly as Xander cast about for any way out of this before hanging his head.

“It won’t happen again.” He said as the captain tried to resist the urge to throttle the young man before pushing a button on her chair and waiting for Tuvok to enter her ready room and snap to attention.

“Take Mister Harris back to his cell, he is confined there for the time being. I will review the situation in one month’s time.”

As the large Vulcan pushed Xander out the door, Xander considered the wisdom of taunting the chief of security in a relatively small ship he was likely to be stuck on for the next seventy years.

Behind him, Captain Janeway made a note to get the doctor to send up a hypo of stress and headache relievers as the tea just wasn’t cutting it anymore.


Xander glared about ‘His’ cell and slumped onto the bed with a sigh. Due to an amazing amount of requests Xander’s cell was the only one with a permanent audio dampener in place.

While this reduced the ships computing capacity slightly, as it had to keep track of what Xander said in search of warning phrases, it did increase the mental life span of the guards by a decidedly noticeable margin.

“So you’re him? I must say I’m not impressed.”

Xander gave a shout of surprise as he leapt from his bed and turned to face the smirking man in a red Admirals uniform. “Who the heck are you and why in the ever loving hell are you trying to scare me to death?” Xander demanded and felt a sinking feeling as the man grinned at him.

“I go by many names my young friend, Loki, Ethorus, Janus the Memda call me Ukuda and there is a veritable plethora of other names, though to tell you the truth I’ve come to enjoy the way you humans say my other name.” the man said as Xander frowned at the names before taking the offered bait.

“Yeah, what name would that be?” Xander said as he checked the guard and found the man studiously ignoring the goings on in the cell with determined practice.

“I’m glad you asked, to tell you the truth Jean Luc says it the best but I suppose most humans give it a good try, you may call me Q.” the man said with a flourish as the color drained from Xander’s face as the horror stories of this being’s exploits rushed into his mind.

“Shit.” Xanders words brought a slight frown to the man’s face as he dropped the pose.

“No, it’s pronounced Q, can the monkey say Q? It starts with a Kaa sound and ends with a sheep.” The man said with a smirk before frowning at Xander’s confused look. “Ends with a sheep you know an Ewe.” The man explained before throwing his hands up in disgust. “Nobody understands good humor these days. I swear I miss the good old days of electric rutabagas and weed whacker jokes.” The nearly omnipotent being continued to mumble about monks and potato salad.

Letting the man continue for a time, Xander finally frowned and cleared his throat. “Okay and you’re here why?” Xander questioned as the man sat down on the bed and looked at Xander again.

“No reason really, just checking out the competition, not that you can compete with me you understand but you are making a name for yourself on quite a few worlds.” The man said as Xander stared at him in confusion again.

“Competition? Competition for what?” Xander asked as the man let another smirk creep onto his face.

“Why the god of Chaos of course.”

Thankfully the Audio dampeners were still operating or most of the ship would have been woken by the shrill screech of “WHAT?”


Finishing up the days reports Captain Janeway shivered as she tried to place the feeling of terror she had.


(A/N) Okay… what do ya think?
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