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How to knock your heroine up

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Summary: Their eyes meet across a crowded bar. After too much drink they fall into bed. Nine months later the crossover twins are born. Boring, been there, written that. How about these suggestions for unusual conception circumstances?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Multiple Pairings(Moderator)KiwikatipoFR1834,3710406,69124 Feb 074 Nov 07Yes

Buffy Summers/Draco Malfoy

Disclaimer: BtVS was created by Joss Whedon and the Harry Potter characters were created by J K Rowling.

SPOILER ALERT: FOR HP AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

AN:Did anyone else think the last chapter of HP and the Deathly Hallows came across like someone’s first writing attempt at the pit of voles?



Ten Years In The Future From 2007 - 2017

Fall seemed to have arrived suddenly in London this September Buffy observed, as she thumped her fist down on her car horn.

“That was my space, you jerk!” Buffy shrieked through her open car window at the rude moron in his Volvo who stole her rightful parking space.

“I could turn him into a toad, Mom.” Buffy’s twelve year old daughter offered, whipping out her shiny hazel-wood and ebony wand from the depths of her brand new school uniform robes.

“Put it away, Jewelflame, you know you’re not meant to use the wand-thing in public.” Buffy spotted a free parking space, zipping her silver BMW into it smartly.

Mother and daughter got out of their car and stood in the bustle of the short term parking lot outside Kings Cross Station.

“Honey, be careful with your new kitten.” Buffy chided her daughter, “Don’t squeeze her so tight around her tummy.”

“Familiar, Mom, familiar, get with the program much?” The wavy golden haired, twelve year old with intense violet eyes dappled with emerald green flecks, rolled the startlingly beautiful eyes at her mother in a very impudent fashion, but eased her hold on a squirming Ms. Gordoette, the expensive Siamese kitten.

“Lose that 'whatever' tone out of your voice when you speak to me. God, is boarding school gonna do you the world of good, your Aunt Dawn is so right.” Buffy deposited a Euro dollar coin into a slot and tugged a baggage trolley from a rack.

‘Your Aunt Dawn is so right.’ Jewelflame mouthed behind her mother’s back. Mom was such a bitch, so was Aunt Dawn, so was Grandmamma, only Daddy was halfway decent to her and even he was making her go to the same stupid Scottish boarding school he attended as a teenager.

Petulant adolescent and irritated mother made their way to the enchanted platform at King’s Cross Station. As her daughter never wanted to be seen in public with her, Buffy soon found herself alone.

Buffy waited by a kiosk, sipping coffee out of a polystyrene cup. Amazing - Buffy for once managed to arrive somewhere earlier than her anal retentive ex-husband.

“Mom!” A twelve year old boy with blonde hair and run of the mill, light blue eyes came up to her and gave her a bone crushing hug.

“Scorpius, you look so cute in your new uniform, sweetie.” Buffy kissed and hugged her son with much love and affection. “I mean grown up and handsome.”

“Steady on, Mom.” Scorpius grinned across at her meeting her eye to eye. “Don’t be too keen on the PDA.”

“Check out the Muggle MILF.” A red headed Gryffindor prefect said to his mate as they passed the hugging Buffy and Scorpius.

“That’s Buffy Summers-Malfoy, you idiot Weasley, ‘The original Slayer’ equals bloody scary woman out of your league, my friend.” His mate pulled the prefect away from his gawping.

One thing Draco was right about – the bastard was right sometimes Buffy acknowledged to herself on occasion - the Weasley tribe were all sleazes.

“Buffy!” Draco strode over to her. “You’re looking well.” He kissed her coolly on the cheek and Buffy gave him a polite smile in greeting.

Buffy did look healthy to be sure, but Draco could see the slight crows feet creasing the corners of her eyes had become even more advanced this summer, now the power crazed shrew could soon appear as ugly on the outside as she was on the inside and give the rest of the world a fair warning.

Draco noticed Harry and Ginny Potter looking across at him with their subnormal son Albus in tow, Draco nodded politely towards them.

“You’re looking chipper, too.” Buffy returned Draco’s compliment. Ha-ha, the vain prick was losing more hair than ever, she gloated to herself with internal glee, it must kill him to have a receding hairline at thirty-seven.

Scorpius folded his arms and admired the civilized act his parents would always put on in front of him and his sister.

“Run along, Scorpius, join your sister, please, I need to speak with your mother about something in private.” Draco instructed with a fond but dismissive pat on his son’s back. “We’ll find you both in a few minutes to say a final good-bye.”

Scorpius found the first years train carriage, after being directed there by a kindly Hufflepuff prefect.

In an empty compartment with her feet propped on the seat opposite her, posing her features in various cool rebellious ways in front of her diamond studded compact mirror, sat the only daughter of Buffy and Draco Malfoy.

Scorpius took in his sister’s appearance – she was wearing red fishnet stockings with her school uniform, (from which she’d cut three inches off her skirt hem), she wore black lipstick, blue mascara and came across like a sex crazed slut.

“God, Joy, take off that gunk on your face do you want to get into trouble in your first day at Hogwarts?” Scorpius groaned, sitting opposite her.

“I answer to 'Jewelflame' now, remember, not ‘Joyce’ or any of its baby diminutives? “ Jewelflame corrected her twin brother.

“Yeah, well, ‘Jewelflame’, you look a complete slag twit, okay?” Scorpius smiled at her with venom. “The olds will go mental if they see you like this and you know it.”

“Christ, you’re so bloody straight, Scorpius.” Jewelflame waved her hand over her face, her eyes became their ordinary hazel, her blonde hair shortened in length and lost its glitter. Her uniform returned back to boring respectability. “Where is Daddy anyway?”

“Talking to Mom on the platform, they’re probably going to fight over who gets us at New Year, seeing how they managed to sort out Christmas custody only by dueling in the Swiss Alps last month, Dad still has the burn scars from that fight on his chest. I walked in on him getting dressed yesterday.”

“Ooh,” Jewelfire shivered upset, “They just hate each others guts, it makes you wonder how they ever got together long enough to produce us in the first place.”

Three Years In The Past From 2007 - 2004

The two men appeared out of nowhere right into the living room of the rustic fishing lodge in Scotland.

“Oh my god!” Buffy dropped her goblet of mulled wine onto the floor in her startlement.

“For crying out loud, Draco and Theo you dimwits, why didn’t you use floo powder?” Pansy Parkinson, Buffy’s hostess and member of an English coven that helped Willow often, chided her late arriving guests.

“Sorry Pansy.” Draco air kissed his ex-high-school-girlfriend and surveyed the room for available talent.

Luna the lunatic Lovegood – dear god, could Pansy not have warned him? Red headed American witch – gay. Hello, what did Draco spy here, a beautiful blonde Muggle dabbing at her spilled wine on the rug and causing an indelible stain? Girl must be slightly feeble-minded, which was fine with Draco because it wasn’t her brains he was interested in.

Buffy glanced up at Draco from under her eyelashes, oh that Brit wizard was a total hottie and twenty-three year old Buffy hadn’t been laid in two freaking years.

This incredible fact was due to Buffy coordinating all the newly discovered slayers around the world, and setting up Slayer Headquarters in a castle in Scotland in former Watcher’s Council Premises.

Buffy had been too busy to get busy with anyone unless you counted her sex dreams featuring Xander and she was horny, very, very, horny. Great Muppity Odin, she missed sex.

Buffy needed to like a guy before she slept with him however. Draco seemed okay, a bit of a snob maybe, she decided as the evening wore on.

The next day Pansy’s lodge party went salmon fishing the Muggle way.

In a downstream part of a Scottish river Buffy and Draco found themselves away from everyone else.

A gifted mimic, Buffy made Draco laugh with her cruel imitation of Luna, “This part of Scotland is famous for being infested by nargles, they’re invisible but everywhere.” Buffy put on Luna’s ‘away with the fairies’ Northern English accent. She switched back to her normal Californian accent, “The girl’s large with being nuts.”

“She was worse at school, believe it or not.” Draco smirked, “I say, be careful.”

“Eek!” Buffy slipped on a rock underfoot and fell face first into the river.

Draco hauled her up. “You alright?”

“Freezing but otherwise undamaged,” Buffy shivered damply. “Wow, you must think I’m a total spaz.”

Draco blinked disconcerted.

“Did I say something wrong?” Buffy inquired worried.

“Well, we don’t tend to describe ourselves as spastic in the U.K., comparing yourself to someone who suffers Cerebral Palsy isn’t quite the done thing, but if you Yanks think that’s amusing…” Draco shrugged, he was a mild magical racist but he never made jokes about people who were intellectually or physically handicapped, he was a prick but not a bloody prick.

“Oh,” Buffy said illuminated, “I’m sorry.” Hey, this guy was nice after all.

“Think nothing of it, now let’s get you into some dry clothes, yeah?” Draco encouraged her.

“Yeah,” Buffy agreed.

Draco walked back with her to the lodge, Buffy with much blushing invited him to join her in the hot shower.

Draco and Buffy spent the next two days getting down and dirty whenever they could squeeze a minute alone together.

“Do you have an owl?” Draco asked her as they said good bye on Monday morning, “I’ll owl you.”

“Nifty,” Buffy didn’t believe a word of it but that was cool, her itch had been scratched and she was ready to face her all female environment apart from Xander once more.

Twelve days later, Willow asked if she could use Buffy’s condoms.

“What the heck for?” Buffy raised her head from where she was reading a fashion magazine on her bed.

“Water bomb fight with Xander,” Willow explained.

“Geez, that’s like really immature, Will.” Buffy sprang up off her bed. “I’m joining in.”

The two girls turned on the cold water tap in Buffy’s bathroom to fill the condoms up.

“Hey, it’s leaking, Buffy.” Willow held up the squirting condom in dismay.

“What? No way,” Buffy saw to her horror her condom was trickling water from the tip too.

“The holes look like tiny teethmarks.” Willow inspected the leaking condom closely. “Golly, only one thing could have caused them.”

“What?” Buffy placed her hand over her heart trying not to have a full on panic attack. Her period was a day late.

“Didn’t you listen to what Luna was saying back at the fishing lodge?” Willow scolded her best friend. “It must have been nargles, silly."

*********


AN: I am not for a second saying that people who have CP are intellectually disabled, I was one of those people who did a double take at Dawn casually using the term 'spaz'.

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