Prologue: Welcome to Hell
Author’s Note: After I finish “The Sum of Their Parts” I’ll either work on the Star Trek crossover or this one. Which one would interest you more?
Disclaimer: Veronica Mars was created by Rob Thomas; Buffy was created by Joss Whedon.
X X X X X
I took a couple of pictures of the broken sign, from a couple of angles.
Was that black paint?
Why, yes it was.
I'm no Gil Grissom, to have access to a database capable of telling me what make and model of car left a minuscule speck of paint behind on five seconds' notice. "Black" was about as good as I was going to get. There weren't any cameras overlooking the intersection -
No. I had to stop thinking like that. Traffic light cameras weren't as common as they used to be.
Still, this was only to confirm something I already suspected, so the lack of Gil Grissom's databse -- ha! Like anyone would know who he was -- didn't really mean anything either.
"Veronica," a familiar voice said from behind me. "Is that you disturbing a crime scene?"
I spun and put on a big fake smile, "I don't see a crime scene here, deputy. I see a sign someone knocked down."
"That's destruction of public property," Don Lamb said.
"And I'm sure you're just champing at the bit to get to it, what with all those unsolved homicides," I said. "Relax, Donnie. This isn't anything I'm investigating that might potemtially embarrass you. I'm just taking a couple of pictures for a school project of mine." I put the camera in my bag. "So now you and your crack team can get right to work."
"Funny," he said.
"I sense a lack of enthusiasm," I said. "I guess 'The Comedy Stylings of Veronica Mars; will not be winning any Grammys for best spoken-word performance. Too bad. I already had a place set aside for it on my bookcase."
He said something as I left, but I wasn't really paying attention. Very little of what Don Lamb says is worth paying attention to.
Alright, maybe "You're under arrest." But only for laughs.
I got into my LeBaron and drove off. Time to go help my dad in his office.
Right now, I'm betting you think you have it all figured out.
Trust me, you're wrong.
Because that sign I was taking pictures of?
There were three words on it:
"Welcome to Sunnydale."
That's right. I was smack in the middle of the Buffy episode "School Hard."
My name is Veronica Mars. High school student, girl detective, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan.
And I know everything that's going to happen for the next six years.
X X X X X
So, you may be wondering, how did this happen?
Good question. Too bad I can't answer it. Out loud, anyway. It's one of the rules that's been set up for me.
“You may not tell anyone how this came about, or about their futures.”
I’ve been shoehorned into the Buffyverse. Or, to be more exact, my 17-year old self has been shoehorned into the Buffyverse. Along with whatever parts of my “backstory” were deemed necessary to make me what I am today:
Dad. Mom, now absent. The Echolls Family, minus Trina. The Kane family.
And, for some reason, Don Lamb. Which proves that if there is a God -- something I highly doubt, at this point -- that he hates me.
Of course, I’ve had proof of that for years now.
No Wallace Fennell. No Mac. No Weevil Navarro.
Of course, Lilly still got murdered last year, and I still got raped -- Just at Cordelia Chase’s Christmas party, not Shelly Pomroy’s. Dad still got fired from his Sheriff’s job -- though, in Sunnydale, it was as likely that Mayor Wilkins was looking for any excuse to get rid of an actually competent officer as it was any pressure brought by Jake Kane
Because, you know, those are all important parts of what made me me.
This isn’t “Welcome to the Hellmouth.”
This is just “Welcome to Hell.”
So come, join me on my wonderful voyage of discovery, why don’t you?