Prologue: Right, So, There's This Story
Title: Bits ‘n Bots
Summary: The Hybrid was a little off the mark with her message about the Chosen One and the Temple. But, hey, it wasn’t like Buffy and Dawn were really busy anyway.
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Joss owns all things Buffy. Ron and Dave and others own all things Galactica. I own...a very strange and overactive imagination.
Spoilers: Major spoilers for S/3 up until and through ‘Maelstrom’.
Be warned, if you haven’t seen up until that episode and don’t want to be spoiled, turn in the other direction and run. RUN! Run like you’re being chased by a guy you owe money too! Um, yeah, just a heads up.
AN: Sort of a sequel of ‘Field Trip’. You don’t really have to read that one to understand this one, but it might help.
Please keep in mind I’m still trying to get the BSG characters voices down, so, if they’re off a little, please forgive me.
As you’ll probably guess very early on, I’m kind of playing around with my formatting. I’ll try and keep the two separate and easy to identify as possible, but just hang in there and please don’t kill me for trying something different.
Oh, and as of right now, this isn't beta'ed.
Alright, on with the show.
Right, So, There’s This StoryRight, so, there’s this story. Happened a long, long time ago in a galaxy far...Don’t give me that look. Yeah, I know how that sounds and what you want to say, but don’t. ‘Cause I’m not talking about that place. This place was different. I mean, yeah, there are robots and Chosen Ones and space ships, but no Force stuff, so different story.
Can I go on now, please?
Like I was saying, in this far away - and completely non-fictitious universe - there were these humans. They lived on twelve different planets and were prosperous and happy and smart. If Giles and Willow and that Hawkin guy combined into one person kind of wicked smart. Smart enough to figure out how to creature artificial intelligence and make themselves some servants.
And I swear if the words ‘droids’ comes out of your mouth I’m to kick your ass into three centuries from now.
So, this AI stuff they created, they called the program Cylon. I think it might have been the inventors name or something. Makes since, doesn’t it?
Anyway, the Cylon technology was in everything, and I mean everything. Computers. Ships. Automatic garage door openers. Sneakers. Yeah. Like I said, ‘everything’. But, apparently nobody told these people that it might be bad to let the blender think for itself. One too many daiquiri mixes later, the blender says ‘no more!’, and, oops, Cylon rebellion. Lucky for the humans, the war that lasted around ten years or so came to a ‘peaceful’ conclusion and the Cylon’s said that they’d go find their own pretty planet to populate. And off they went.
No one saw them for like forty years. Until they came back and blew the hell out of the human colonies.
Hey, I didn’t promise a pretty, happy story. I just said it was a story.
After the bombing, there were a lot less humans around. In fact, out the twelve worlds, there were only around forty-something thousand left. But they all band together and go on the run from the Cylons.
What? No, they weren’t floating around space just running for their lives. They were actually looking for some place. In fact, they were looking for Earth. They have this whole legend about Earth being their Thirteenth Colony or something, but that’s a different story. Not the one I’m telling.
What story am I telling? Well, if you’d stop interrupting me every five minutes, I might can tell you.
Anyway, the story goes that the survivors were jumping around trying to find their way to Earth, but the Cylons kept trying to kill them. Until one day, they found this planet. It was hidden and some people got together and decided ‘hey, this would be a good place to settle down’. So they did.
And everything was, well, cold and wet from what they told me, but at least they didn’t have to worry about the Cylons, right? Wrong. Suddenly, one day, they show up and planet England on a Winter’s Day was overtaken. Turns out that they Cylons decided that the whole ‘kill and destroy’ bit wasn’t for them anymore and wanted to play nice, nice with the remaining humans. Only, what they thought was nice, nice turned out to be more like ‘we rule, you do as we say or we’ll kill you’ kind of deal. Surprise, surprise, the humans didn’t like that too much.
Now, I told you that part of the story to tell you this part. On the planet, there was this woman. She’s special, and the Cylons knew it. How, I haven’t got freaking clue, but they do. So, when they found out she was there, they picked her up and let her live in one of the nicer cells I’ve heard of. Still a cell, though, so, nice or not it gets points off for that.
She lived there for months with this wack-job Cylon who really messed with her head until help arrived and rescued everyone. And suddenly the special woman found herself back in her old life, but she was so messed up in the head that it was making things difficult for everyone. And the worse she got, less people seemed to want to put up with it.
Can’t really blame them. I mean, she can really be a bitch. I mean really. Like a bunch of Newbie Slayer PMSing and running out of chocolate and salty goodies kind of bitch.
What do you mean, ‘over identifying’!
You...shut up! And let me tell the story.
Hmm. Oh, I called you a frakhead. What’s that? Well, it -
...Fine. Back to what I was saying.
Anyway, she’s sinking fast and everyone knows it, but they don’t know what to do. Not her husband. Not even her supposed best friends.
They couldn’t anyway. Like I said, she’s special. Has this whole destiny thing going for her. Not like Slayer destiny or anything like that, but she’s special anyway.
Guess I should mention she’s not the only one. There’s a couple a special people bouncing around that Fleet. Kind of easy to guess who some of them are, but most of them didn’t have a freaking clue. Always the way, isn’t it. Destiny comes out of left field and then ‘boom’ hits you with a cement truck. And, while your staggering around, they throw whatever it is that they want you to do and you’re all ‘okay’. Then you’re really screwed.
Um, yeah, anyway, not the point.
So, Ms. Special Bitchy Pants and her friends are once again running from these Cylons when they come across this other planet with the food that they need because the whole Fleet is starving. Anya always did say that the key to a successful migration was snacks. Well, like I said, the Fleet was starving, so they stopped on this planet to get the supply they needed to make some food. Which, I might add, is this really nasty process Algy slug stuff. Kind of made me think of the stuff they used to feed us in High School, only the Algy was eatable.
Okay, as I was saying, they find this planet and are harvesting it to feed the Fleet when one of these ‘hey, I didn’t know I was special people’ got this weird feeling to go explore this rock formation. Turns out that it was a Temple of some kind and supposed to be a big clue to finding the way to Earth. While he was trying to figure out what the stuff sketched on the wall said, the others had to fend off the Cylons.
Oh, I guess I forgot to mention that they found them while they were on that planet, huh? And that they were interested in the Temple too.
Did I tell you that the world was about to be destroyed at any minute by a star going super nova? No. Well, now you know.
Yeah, they were having a really bad day on that planet, weren’t they?
Well, long story short - What do you mean, ‘to late for that’?
So, skipping over some other stuff because apparently my story telling skills suck, a few Cylons make their way into the Temple after the others had evacuated it to blow it up. Which, doesn’t really make sense to me because ‘super nova’ right? But, they were, but the Cylons got there first, and no ‘boom, boom, bye, bye’ Temple. And they did something to activate the thing.
Now, this is where we came in.