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Shag or Die!

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Summary: “Shag or die!” All things considered, not exactly the best threat to offer the unkillable Jack Harkness.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Dr. Who/Torchwood > Non-BtVS/Ats StoriesBoosterFR1513,972283,93611 Mar 0711 Mar 07Yes
Title: Shag or Die!
Rating: 15 for implied naughtiness.
Setting: Set after Torchwood 1.04 “Cyberwoman”.
Characters: Jack Harkness, Gwen Cooper, Owen Harper, Toshiko Sato, Ianto Jones.
Word count:4049.
Disclaimer: Captain Jack Harkness and the Torchwood mob all belong to the BBC alas, and not me.
Summary: “Shag or die!” All things considered, not exactly the best threat to offer the unkillable Jack Harkness.

Author’s Notes: Great thanks go out to Wildecate and Jinni for the betas.

Written for the Jack Harkness ficathon at twdw_ficathon, as requested by miss_andromache. She requested Jack/Ianto, Jack/Gwen or Jack/Doctor/Rose, with angst and humour, but not Jack and the Doctor in the TARDIS after the finale.

I aimed for sex scenes, it came out sex farce. *grin*

~ + ~

The one universal truth about medical instruments is that they were always cold. Particularly when they were inserted in places that even Jack Harkness would normally have needed at least one drink bought for him first.

“Ah,” said Toshiko. That wasn’t good.

There was an intake of breath from Owen, and a muffled snigger. Somehow that worried him even more.

“You want to tell your fearless leader what the problem seems to be?” he snapped. Trying to be as authoritative as possible when he’s strapped naked to what feels like a cold, cold cyber conversion table was not working as well as he’d hoped.

“You got yourself a fatal sexually transmitted disease, boss,” said Owen, moving into his eye range. “Any chance I can get your chair when you’re gone?”

“Owen!” exclaimed Tosh, and the distinct sound of a clipboard hitting someone rang out. At least someone on the team was taking this seriously.

“I’m not going to be strapped to this analysis table for ever, Harper,” Jack said as firmly as possible under the circumstances. “Now, would someone kindly get me my pants and an explanation?”

~ + ~

Ten minutes later, Owen had received a second bang on the head from the clipboard, Jack had been reunited with his trousers, been given coffee from the ever present Ianto, and currently has the distinct feeling of a major headache approaching fast.

“It’s not quite a STD,” Tosh explained apologetically, “But the database is quite clear that this disease will feed off you and eventually consume you up unless you somehow manage to burn it out.”

“Just to be clear,” added Owen, prudently moving out of range, “We did mention the horrible facial sores, right? Well, hopefully facial only.”

Jack glared at Owen and mentally added yet another entry on the mental catalogue of Owen Punishment Duty. Casting his mind through all the dirtiest, most menial tasks possible around the Hub, he missed most of what Tosh was saying.

“…so, you’ll just have to have sex with one of us for 24 hours.”

There was a distinct pause. Jack raised one finger into the air. “Say that again.”

Toshiko tapped her clipboard, and Jack momentarily cursed ever getting that Kree medical database translated for her. “It’s quite clear, Jack. The only known way to deal with this disease is to burn it out with continuous sexual activity. And since both Owen and I refuse point blank to let you out into Cardiff with such a possible virulent infectious disease, it’s going to have to be one of us.”

Jack stared at Tosh’s calm face. Owen just smirked. Even Ianto quirked one eyebrow. They all looked back at him.

This was going to take some handling. Ok, so this disease probably wasn’t going to kill him what with the continual not dying bit of his life, but that was definitely not something he particularly wanted to share with the rest of the team. Hell, it was bad enough Gwen had seen him shot by Suzie that one time, but at least he’d persuaded her to not mention it.

She’d never looked at him in quite the same way again after that. He’d hardly known Gwen at that point and it still hurt. Not something he wanted to go through with people he’d known for a longer period of time.

But although continual twenty-four hour long sex sessions with his friends and co-workers, while it might have been something his old self would have jumped at, it really wasn’t something the newer, shinier, non-dying Jack was that interested in either. No, there had to be another option somehow…

“Gimme that!” snapped Jack, and grabbed Tosh’s clipboard. Scanning it rapidly, he sank back into his seat. Blood cell count, immune system strains, even that damn sniffle he’d gone to see Tosh about in the first place. Yup, he had K’naffle alright. “Oh, fuck….”

“That would appear to be the correct summation of the situation, sir,” said Ianto, straightening his tie the barest millimetre. Jack glanced round. Owen was smirking in that aggravating way that made Jack want to occasionally spank him (and honestly, maybe he really shouldn’t have mentioned that in the last staff appraisal). Ianto was being all calm, unflustered and almost submissive. And Tosh… was that a wonderbra?

“So…. Who ya going to pick, boss?” Owen said, leaning forward. Jack smiled bravely.

There was the sound of the downstairs door opening, and the sound of Gwen’s voice carried all the way up to Jack’s now crowded office. “Oh, what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day…”

Almost bouncing her way up the steps, she stopped in the doorway. “Alright, guys? Not missing another bloody staff meeting, am I?”

A small smile crossed Jack’s face. “Her,” he said and nodded towards Gwen.

~ + ~

Gwen’s never heard anything quite so insane in her life. Apart from the whole aliens exist thing. And the sex-obsessed body-hopping alien. And the Weevils.

Okay, well… top ten most insane things then. Though, to be fair, the time Rhys and Dev were seriously considering becoming Trappist monks after Cardiff lost still beats it.

“Wait… Rhys! Boyfriend! I have a boyfriend!” she stammered, but the only Torchwood person anywhere around her at that precise moment was Owen who just coughed something suspiciously sounding like “Morgue drawer”. Gwen flushed, and shut up.

Any moment now, she kept telling herself, she’d get up and walk out of there. Or they’d all fall about laughing at the trick they were playing on the new girl. But there was something in the way Tosh seemed deadly serious, and Owen wasn’t making quite the jokes and off hand sneers she would have expected him to. And then there was Jack.

Something in the almost desperate look hidden at the back of his eyes. She could barely catch it herself, but then she was looking for some kind of different reaction from him. Jack was sat there, ice cool on the surface with his normal explosive laugh, but there was an almost desperate plea lurking beneath the surface, begging Gwen to just go along with it.

Whatever this is.

“So now,” she found herself saying, “Don’t you think we should be starting on this… cure before the poor man keels over dead? And no, Owen – I doubt he’ll be needing any of your tips.”

Jack practically bounced up from his seat, and walked across the room to her. Taking her hand in his, he pulled Gwen to her feet and then bent over and kissed her hand while still holding it. “Enchanted, madam,” he smiled, and straightened back up.

“I’ve taken the liberty of preparing the conference room with some bedding and assorted items, sir,” murmured Ianto behind them. “It was felt that your office and sleeping area would be too small an area for you.”

Even Jack blinked at that mental image. “Your thoughtfulness is certainly appreciated,” he eventually said, holding the door open for Gwen before leading the way. “Did I mention you’re looking particularly arresting today, Gwen? I trust you’ll be able to take down my particulars with no trouble?”

Gwen glanced down at her casual black jeans, dark top and jacket and smiled. “Knock it off with the policewoman gags, Jack – or I won’t pull out the handcuffs after all.”

“Spoilsport.”

“Perv.”

“Point.”

As Jack and Gwen’s voices receded down the corridor, the remaining Torchwood members looked at each other for a moment. Then exploded into action fighting over the remote control for the internal Torchwood cameras.

~ + ~

The conference room was a little different from normal. Jack wasn’t even aware the Hub had that much bedding, blankets and soft furnishings around. Made him wonder just what else Ianto had stored down there in the basement. There was even a large supply of alcohol and health drinks on top of one table. And thankfully, all the blinds were already drawn down and no-one could see in or out. Surprisingly thoughtful.

“Well, must say I’m impressed by just what Ianto has managed to get his hands on here,” drawled Jack, tilting the bottles carefully and studying their labels. “Although I do feel somewhat insulted by these two Viagra pills here. That boy’s in for a serious ass whipping when I get out of here.”

Gwen closed the door behind her with a faint sigh of relief, and leant back against it. She turned to look at Jack. “What’s going on, Jack? What about your… condition?”

Jack put one finger to his lips and shushed her. Gazing rapidly around the room, his eyes catch on a small unobtrusive box up on the wall near the ceiling. Crossing over to it, he yanked several wires out, and smirked. “I didn’t think you really wanted Tosh piping the whole thing to her monitors.”

Gwen’s eyebrows rose. She could almost sense the waves of disappointment from upstairs. “Suddenly I’m seeing that group of perverts sat around ready with popcorn, criticism and scorecards.”

“I’m thinking of making that the official motto of Torchwood Three : You don’t have to be a pervert to work here. Really.” said Jack, choosing a bottle from the selection, and sitting down on the big, black couch. Nodding approvingly at the label, he opened it and took a big swig.

Good idea. Gwen just grabbed the nearest bottle and opened it. “So, what exactly are we doing here, Jack? You know, with your... not dying and all, can’t you just go to bed for 24 hours or something and sleep it off?”

Jack patted the comfortable seat beside him, and leaned back. “It’s just that I don’t want the others to know. I’m not that comfortable with it myself, and I certainly don’t want to be studied by Tosh or Owen in that whole ‘Ooo!Ooo! Lets try killing him this way this time!’ gung-ho approach both of them would take.”

Gwen sat down by him, and studied his face. Jack looked tired – a lot more tired than he ever normally did. But then, it wasn’t like him to ever really open himself up in front of the rest of them. There was always a part of him that never came out. She could see it peeking around the curtains of Jack’s soul only very occasionally - and she was looking hard for it. How the hell did he manage to go on without being able to let his guard down?

Except now he was doing it with her. He trusted her enough to drop all his facades for a moment and just rest. Wow.

“I can’t tell them. I just can’t right now.” His voice came out the most defeated sounding she’d ever heard from Jack so far. Without thinking, Gwen put her hand on top of his, seeking to offer some kind of comfort. Jack’s eyes opened, but he didn’t otherwise alter his position. “So I figure, you and me locked up in a small room for 24 hours or so, and then we come out with your hair strategically messed up, and me walking funny and everything is fine and good and sunny in the world again.”

He sounded so tired. Gwen moved so that she was looking down at his face, laid back on the top of the chair looking back up at her. “Jack…” she started off, before realising she had no idea where she was going with it, “If that’s what you want, then you know I’ll always be there… to help.”

His eyes met hers. The distance between them seemed less and less every second. “Thank you,” he breathed softly.

Closer still. Gwen could feel the heat coming off him, as their faces grew nearer and nearer. “….My pleasure,” she whispered.

Their warm breath mingled together, eyes interlocked in a strange mix of wonder, awe and want. Gwen’s mouth hovered over Jack’s…

The conference door crashed against the wall, and Owen and Ianto barged through, carrying a large tray between them. Somehow, Gwen found herself instantly across to the far side of the couch, politely examining the wall. She wasn’t doing anything, not her, la la la.

“Oh, for fucking fuck’s sake!” exclaimed Owen, rolling his eyes, “He hasn’t even got her clothes off yet!” Ianto said nothing, but just looked smug and extended one hand in the universal sign of demanding money. “Teach me to bet against you and Tosh,” grumbled Owen before he turned to Jack and Gwen.

Pointing to the tray now resting on the table, Owen grandly whipped off the cover, and posed with it. “Ta-da! Provisions for the soon-to-be-needing energy couple. Or the sexually adventurous couple,” he said thoughtfully, picking up a banana and studying the curve.

Ianto consulted the list in his hand. “Ice cubes, whipped cream, chocolate body paint – non fattening, various phallic shaped fruits and Tosh insisted on including the oysters just in case.”

“Thank you. You are so kind,” said Jack. “Get out.”

Owen and Ianto turned towards each other and did a pursed lips, ooo-get-her type look. “A toast before we leave the happy couple!” Owen exclaimed. Jack sighed loudly, but didn’t object as Ianto hurried over to the drinks area and quickly produced four cocktails.

Once everyone had a glass in their hand, Owen cleared his throat. “To life, to love, - and to shagging non-stop for twenty four hours straight!”

Shaking her head slightly, Gwen downed her cocktail in one, and gave it back to Ianto. “Lovely to see you. Such a shame you have to be going now,” she said in the sweetest, most insincere voice she could manage.

Jack added his glass to Ianto’s pile, and began ushering their visitors towards the conference room door. “Alas, parting is such sweet sorrow. Give my love to Tosh, and I’ll see you in twenty four hours. Not before.”

Ianto rearranged his rumpled lapels and sniffed slightly when out in the corridor, practically pushed. “I would strongly urge you sir, to start this procedure with the utmost speed and alacrity. I trust Gwen would agree with us all on this.”

“In other words,” said Owen, “Get in there, my son!”

Jack mentally added ‘Cleaning Out The Pterodactyl Nest’ to the ever increasing list of Owen Punishment Duty, and slammed the door in their faces.

“That went well, I thought,” said Owen thoughtfully.

Back inside, Jack shared a look of long-suffering with Gwen. All she could do was smile weakly, and offer up “They mean well?”

But Jack was staring in horror over at the drinks area. “Mean well, hell! That damn Ianto’s spiked the drinks with the Viagra pills!”

~ + ~

One hour later…

Ianto knocked politely on the door, and from inside both Gwen and Jack chorused together “Go away!”

His eyebrow rose. “I certainly have no wish to intrude at such a delicate moment, sir,” he began, “But I was hoping to be able to retrieve your clothing and wash whatever stains there might be, so that they might be ready for you tomorrow.”

There was a pause. “….One moment,” called Jack.

Ianto patiently waited as a furious whispering started. It was unclear precisely what they were communicating to each other, but the emotions were clear. There was Jack’s calm, explaining rumble, met by Gwen’s higher pitched angry and reluctant whisper.

Eventually, the whispering ceased and movement could be heard. “One sec, Ianto,” came Jack’s voice. Then the door opened and a topless Jack popped around the frame and deposited a pile of clothing into Ianto’s arms. “Gwen’s a little shy,” smiled Jack, “Doesn’t want you seeing her undies.”

Ianto’s eyes narrowed. There seemed to be a noticeable lack of sweat, or indeed any fluids and/or stains on Jack’s perfect, sculpted chest… *ahem* Jack flashed his teeth in what could have passed for a smile, and slammed the door shut again. Only to quickly open it again. “Turn the heating up a bit, wilya?” he asked, and slammed the door shut once more.

Ianto looked down at the clothes in his arms, and carefully felt them. Most strange. Still warm – almost as though they had only just been removed… Carefully carrying them downstairs, he rejoined Owen and Tosh in the main working area.

Tosh swivelled around in her chair as he approached. “That’s right, Rhys,” she continued into the phone clamped against one ear, “Gwen’s sorry she can’t call you herself, but this surveillance is going to take at least 24 hours so if you want to get a takeaway in or something, feel free. Ok? Take care.”

Ianto waited until she’d hung up, and then cleared his throat. “I suspect we may have a problem…”

~ + ~

Two hours in…

“Two queens.”

“Shit! Pair of tens!” swore Gwen, and tossed the cards back to Jack. “If I didn’t know better, I’d swear you were cheating.”

Jack smirked. “I am quite talented with my hands, just not precisely in that way. And really, what good would it do me?” he said, waving down at his totally naked body, “Nowhere for me to conceal any cards.”

Gwen glanced down at herself, clad only in her bra and panties. “Strip poker certainly wouldn’t last that long,” she grinned. There was a click behind her, and the conference room’s screens turned themselves on. Then hardcore porn started playing across all three of them.

“What the fuck--!?” exclaimed Gwen, her jaw dropping.

“Oh god,” said Jack, “I really didn’t think they’d sink this low…huh. Don’t think much of his technique.”

Gwen stared at him. “We’re stuck in a room together for another day, dressed only in my underwear with hardcore porn playing that I used to arrest people for possessing – and all you can do is criticise the actors?!?! What else could go wrong?”

Jack winced. “Never say that. Never!”

The door quickly opened, and a small metallic object was thrown in. The door slammed shut again just as quickly. “Now what?” said Jack, and went to investigate it.

“Is it hot in here?” Gwen said behind him, sounding distracted.

Jack studied the object. Small, metallic, somewhat familiar. He pushed one end experimentally. Oh yeah, Owen’s aftershave.

Oh fuck.

Owen’s pheromone laden aftershave.

He could feel it already working on him. But what about…?

There was a growl behind him. “I’m having you!” said Gwen, and leapt on him.

Outside the conference room, Owen, Tosh and Ianto listened intently. There was the sound of furniture overturning, that was bottles tumbling to the floor, and that… “Oh fuck, YESSSSS!” screamed Gwen.

That was definitely the sound of mission accomplished.

Owen pumped his fist and offered a high five to Ianto. Who just gazed up calmly at him. Owen promptly swivelled around to Tosh, only to find her walking away already, calmly ticking off Get Jack laid on her clipboard. “Boring bastards,” muttered Owen, then winced as a particularly loud shriek from Gwen echoed around the Hub.

He always bloody knew there was an animal under that skin of hers. Might well be fun to stick around for a bit and see what happened.

~ + ~

The next day…

Jack surfaced from a very exhausted sleep, desperately searching around with one hand to find whatever the hell was making that beeping noise. His hand encountered something circular, and he pulled it towards himself. God, Gwen’s watch was making a lot of noise. He blurredly peered at it, and made a few stabs at the side buttons.

Mercifully, it shut up. He laid back again and pulled the blanket up again.

Wait a moment.

Blanket? And since when did he sleep this much? And who the hell was the warm body lying next to him?

Gwen heaved herself up from the depths of the tangled swirl of blankets around them and draped herself over Jack’s chest. “Mmmm…” she murmured, “Morning, Rhys.” Her hand stopped moving across Jack’s chest, before patting it in mild confusion. Her head shot up, and her wide open eyes met his. “Jack?”

Gwen scooted across the floor away from him with a great turn of speed (which somehow rang a vague bell in his head). Unfortunately, she took all the blankets with her. Gwen turned red and quickly thrust one of them back to him.

Jack glanced around the room, desperately trying to remember anything about the previous night. It was all a blank. “Gwen? Do you know how we got here?”

Gwen stopped blushing immediately, and fixed him with a suspicious glare. “Are you saying you don’t remember a thing either?”

“Last thing I remember was planning on seeing Tosh about this sniffle I had,” Jack said, standing up and tying the blanket around his waist. He sniffed experimentally. “Seems to be gone now.”

He turned and looked at the far wall of the now fairly well wrecked conference room. Some sort of markings? He took a couple of steps forward, stopped short and swore loudly.

“What? What is it?” exclaimed Gwen, and rapidly joined him. She stared at the wall herself, and started reading the words across it before starting to swear loudly herself.

1 – Jack, do NOT see Tosh about that sniffle. A) it’s fatal and B) you’re cured now. Look up K’naffle when you have a chance.

2 – Congratulations, you’ve been retcon-ed. By yourselves. Trust us, we’re both agreed on neither of us wanting to remember this.

3 – Improve the security in the ventilations shafts. Though it did come in handy in sticking the retcon/soporific in the coffee to get everyone else.

4 – Owen’s on shit duty for a good month. Lock up that damn aftershave even tighter this time, ok?

5 – If we’ve timed the alarm right, you should have 30 minutes now to get dressed, delete all relevant files and tidy up the place before Tosh, Owen or Ianto start to wake up.

6 – This is all we had left to write with, so get licking people.


“Licking?” repeated Gwen in disbelief.

Jack tested the writing carefully with one finger. “It’s chocolate body paint,” he said grimly, “Never realised I had that sadistic a sense of humour before.” He stuck out his tongue gingerly, and started licking point 1.

“Oh god,” said Gwen with disgust, “Any chance we can retcon this afterwards as well?” But she still stepped forward and bravely tried a couple of words herself.

“Okay, after breakfast I suggest clothing is our first priority. Ianto’s probably got them down in the kitchen area,” said Jack, moving along the top line. “Then I’ll work on the computers while you get all the stuff from here moved – stick it down in my sleeping quarters if you have to.”

Gwen nodded and swallowed. Pulling a face briefly, she inquired “I really don’t want to know what the hell happened, but what will we tell the others when they wake?”

Jack shrugged. “Alien invasion? Memory eating alien carnivores? Gas leak? We’ll think of something.”

His lip twitched as he glanced down at what looked like a random mix of spills and accidental marks of the body paint. There was a pretty unambiguous message there in the old Time Agency emergency code. Maybe he’d better not mention that bit to Gwen. After all, they had a lot to do, and not much time to do it in.

He looked at it again.

PS – Gwen’s a screamer.

His lip twitched again. Maybe another time…

~Fin~

The End

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