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Sensational Sexuality

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Summary: Pairing: Batman/Superman (Others Implied) Summary: Lois Lane thinks about how spandex must warp people’s sexual orientation. That’s really the only explanation…

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
DC Universe > Justice League(Past Donor)AmarinRoseFR131747241,8271 Apr 071 Apr 07Yes
Sensational Sexuality

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DISCLAIMER: The characters depicted in this story do not belong to me. I do not make any money from this.

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Prolonged wearing of spandex must warp people’s sexual orientations. That would explain the number of lesbian aerobic instructors, and the number of gay and bisexual men in the professional ice-skating and ballet arenas.

And also, it would explain how Superman turned out to be gay. Superman, gay. Homosexual. Playing for the other team.

If there was one thing I never expected, it was that. Batman, sure; I’ve dated Bruce Wayne, no matter what anyone says, no man enjoys all those ‘metrosexual’ things like pedicures and facials unless they are, at the very least, bi. But Superman? Never had a clue.

Guess all those late-night flights together meant nothing. Or at least, not as much as shoving his tongue down Batman’s throat after the Justice League had saved the world for the thirty-third time.

And the world, high on being alive in the wake of another Darkseid invasion, barely even bothers to notice that oh, hey, yet another two of the Big Seven swing both ways. It’s all, ‘Oh, I’m so glad they’re happy!’ and, ‘They deserve a little happiness in their lives,’ or, ‘After all they’ve done for us, who are we to judge?’ and even Jerry Falwell is, for once, silent. Lex Luthor hasn’t even bothered to use this relationship in some way to boost either his campaign for President, or his sales in LexCorp.

Will wonders never cease?

Not like it’s the first time the world has had to deal with ‘Out and Proud’ heroes, but still. It’s Superman. And Batman. Together.

Flash and Green Lantern had been anything but circumspect – well, Flash hadn’t been – so catching them kissing after a battle with Gorilla Grodd had probably prepared most people for something like Batman and Superman making out in a dark corner.

Those people who didn’t fervently believe that Batman was an Urban Legend. Or that Superman didn’t have a sex drive. Hah!

And then, of course, there’s Blue Beetle and that guy from the future, Booster Gold. They’re known as the ‘Prankster Pair’ of the League, and finding out that they’re paired in life as well as jokes hadn’t surprised too many people.

I have no idea if the rumors about Wonder Woman and Hawkgirl are true, and you know what? I don’t want to know. But Superman let it slip once, a few weeks before he slipped Bruce the tongue in public, that J’onn, the Martian Manhunter, apparently got married sometime during the League’s ‘vacation’ from superheroing.

To whom, he doesn’t know, and apparently, nether does anyone else. And it’s yet another story I’m not going to follow up on, just like the Batman is Really Bruce Wayne and Green Lantern and Hawkgirl’s Secret Lovechild ideas. Okay, mostly that last one is because it’s in extremely bad taste even for a tabloid – even if it is true. I mean, come on, I can’t be the only who noticed that John Stewart is sharing parenting duties with a red-haired woman who always wears a trenchcoat and sunglasses in public, can I? And their kid has wings, for crying out loud, and even if he is always dressed in really baggy clothes…

Maybe I am the only one that notices these things. It could be due to all the time I spend with the members of the Justice League; well, all right, Superman.

…Okay, it’s probably due to all the times I end up having my bacon pulled from the fire by Superman, and then, when he’s flying me to safety, I’ll pepper him with questions in the hopes that he’ll be so confused he’ll let slip some tasty tidbit of information that I can turn into a Pulitzer Prize-winning story. Still, even without my, ahem, inside track to the superhero set, the general public really does seem to be so oblivious to the most obvious things.

Still, despite the number of people who seem to think otherwise, Superman is gay. And with Batman.

And with them together, there goes my possibility for superheroic romance. Because no matter how wonderful Wonder Woman is, or how pretty Hawkgirl is, I don’t swing that way. And I don’t really like kids, either.

Oh, well. Romance I may not have – yet – but I have my job, my life, my friends…and my partner.

At least I still have Clark. Good ol’ Smallville…

The End

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