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Things Starfleet Officers are not Allowed to Do

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Summary: Another list inspired by Skippy. There is a chapter for each series.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Star Trek > Deep Space NineAesopFR753,16982013,89110 Apr 0710 Apr 07Yes

The Original Series


DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

21. Shuttlecraft are not to be fed to alien war machines or hungry space going organisms. We have torpedoes for that sort of thing.

“I should have seen that one coming,” Kirk muttered.

“The admiral was most displeased over the loss of three in less than two months, captain.”

“All in a good cause, Spock. This was unnecessary.”

“Is not the list rather… informal?”

“Not the point,” his captain sighed. “Hmmm.”

22. No Starfleet officer shall involve his captain in an alien ritual without explaining said ritual first.

“It seems I’m not the only one being picked on.” Jim allowed himself a smirk.

“Indeed,” his first officer replied, coming as close to displaying irritation as he ever did. “Captain, I could not have anticipated-”

“I know Spock. I never blamed you for that. I blamed your girl friend.” He was rewarded with another near display of irritation.

23. Starfleet officers will not interfere in the natural development of alien civilizations, even if there is a beautiful female involved.

This time his first officer looked almost amused instead of almost irritated. James Kirk sighed. “I’m definitely being picked on.”


24. Cordrazine is not a recreational drug. Do not self-administer.

McCoy scowled at the latest addition to ‘that infernal list’ as he often called it. It was unlikely that whoever had put that in knew about his jaunt back in time, as the very existence of the Guardian of Forever was highly classified, but that begged the question, what provoked the entry?

25. It is impossible to mind-meld with a machine, and you should not try.

He wasn’t sure whether to chuckle or wince. That hadn’t been pleasant for the Enterprise’s first officer, he knew, but the Vulcan really should have known better. The Vulcan had been forced to swallow his pride after meditation failed to alleviate the resulting headaches and come to sickbay for a remedy.


26. Quarantine procedures are to be strictly observed with regard to unfamiliar species. It should not be assumed that civilians follow them.

Uhura sighed. Tribbles. The story was infamous by now and was probably going to become a ‘textbook’ case for Academy cadets to study and shake their heads over. She shoved that memory aside and got on with making her own entry. It wasn’t a rule per se, but it was still true.

27. There is no such thing as a universal translator.

After resolving the third potential disaster related to the technology in as many missions, she had finally felt compelled to do something. It was a fine tool, but it wasn’t fool proof, as some of the fools who used it kept proving.


Chekov heartily agreed with the newest entry, although he would have never said as much to the captain.

28. A starship crew is not a pile of chips. Don’t bet them in a game of chance.

29. The laws of physics ARE immutable. We just don’t know them all.

He wondered what Commander Scott would say to that. Actually, Chekov realized, Scott might have written that. Some engineers, he knew, would have said cold starting a warp engine was impossible and not been able to get past that. The ship had a good crew. He looked at the next one and smiled. And a great captain.

30. There never was a Kobiashi Maru. Cheating is always an option.
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