Large PrintHandheldAudioRating
Twisting The Hellmouth Crossing Over Awards - Results
Rules for Challenges

Things Starfleet Officers are not Allowed to Do

StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking

Summary: Another list inspired by Skippy. There is a chapter for each series.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Star Trek > Deep Space NineAesopFR753,16982013,89110 Apr 0710 Apr 07Yes



DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters from any of the Star Trek series and I earn no profit in writing this

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Another list inspired by Skippy the list writer. I will do one chapter for each show.

Lieutenant Tom Paris had noticed the file when they had received the latest subspace ‘mail call.’ It had not been addressed to anyone in particular, but marked for inclusion on what was called, despite the archaic nature of the term, the ‘bulletin board.’ The section of computer memory set aside for general crew announcements.

The name of the file made him curious, as regulations were quite specific in most matters of protocol. There were, in fact, far too many for his liking. He opened the file and began to read. Evidently the list had been floating around for quite a while. There were a lot of entries. Most of them were common sense things that regs did indeed cover, but a few of them jumped out at him.

1. Q is NOT to be encouraged.

That made sense. Voyager’s encounters with the entity had not been fun.

2. The transporter is not a toy.

He thought back to every story of pranks involving that bit of technology he’d ever heard, one of which involved Voyager’s own first officer. Tom wondered if Chakotay still thought that that was a malfunction. He continued reading until another caught his eye.

3. Mission reports are not to begin with ‘once upon a time.’

He could understand the urge; after all, he had had more than a few surreal missions himself.

3a. Or ‘Long ago in a galaxy far away.’

Huh? Shaking his head, he moved on.

4. Sex with unfamiliar species is never a good idea.

Tom winced. That one could have been written with Voyager in mind. Harry had glowed off and on for days after that incident.

5. Time travel is to be avoided at all costs, unless you were meant to get involved.

Tom thought about that briefly, but gave it up when he felt a headache coming on. The captain wasn’t the only one who hated temporal mechanics. Speaking of time…he glanced at the chronometer. He only had a few minutes to get to the bridge for his shift.


Harry opened the file he’d been perusing earlier and noted that it had been modified. Bringing up the newest entries, he winced when he saw one he was certain the Doctor had put in place.

6. Medical alerts are provided on each new planet we visit for a reason. If you are told not to eat the vegetables, don’t order a salad for lunch.

Their chief engineer had, evidently, already seen it and gotten the reference to the incident. The next one read:

7. Modification of complicated systems and programs should be left to those trained for such work.

Harry couldn’t blame ‘Lana for being snippy. No doubt she was still angry over the Doctor’s attempt to enhance his program.

Torres wasn’t done, either. Harry knew there had been a row between the engineer and Seven of Nine earlier that day, but hadn’t expected to see evidence of it here.

8. The Borg are NOT perfect.

And he really hadn’t expected Seven to respond in kind.

9. Humans are less so.

This, Harry realized could get ugly, and evidently the captain was of the same opinion.

10. The list is not to be used to carry on childish arguments.
Next Chapter
StoryReviewsStatisticsRelated StoriesTracking