STAR TREKKIN’ ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.
A Seattle Slayers Interlude By Dave Turner.
Disclaimer: I do not own BtVS or Star Trek. I write these stories for fun not profit.
Crossover: BtVS with Star Trek TOS.
Spelling and Grammar: Written in glorious English-English! American idioms are used wherever possible. Spelling and grammar is English.
Timeline: This story is set in my Seattle Slayers Universe after the events depicted in ‘I’m Willow, Fly Me’.
Words: Quite a lot!
Warnings: Lesbian relationship, nothing graphic. Minor violence again nothing graphic.
Summary: Witches, Slayers, Klingons and Captain Kirk what more can you ask?
Star Trekkin’ Across the Universe.
By Dave Turner.
“Captains Log, Star-Date 2537.4. We are en route to Proxima Beta 3 on a diplomatic mission carrying the Delegation from the Planet Lesbos. The Lesbians are at present in negotiations to join the Federation. These negotiations are at a delicate stage, any wrong move could drive the Lesbians into the arms of the Klingon Empire.”
Willow rolled out of bed, without waking Kennedy, and stood up. She searched about for her robe, failing to find it she headed off towards the bathroom. After stumbling over a chair that should not have been left where it had been, and then she walked straight into a cold metal wall where the door to her bathroom should have been.
“Oh no!” She exclaimed rubbing her sore nose and trying to feel her way back to the bed she shared with Kennedy.
Homing in on Kennedy’s gentle snoring she made her way across the unfamiliar room and sat down on the bed, she reached across and shook Kennedy’s shoulder.
“Wake-up sweet-heart.” She said softly as she tried to shake her lover awake.
“Uh?” Said Kennedy drowsily; “Just another five minutes Maria.” Kennedy tried to roll over and escape the shaking hand.
“Wake-up!” Demanded Willow, “And who the hell’s Maria?”
“Who? What?” Kennedy slowly woke up and sat up; she stared around the darkened room.
“Well?” Demanded Willow testily.
“What?” Asked the Slayer rubbing sleep from her eyes.
“Who’s this Maria then?” Willow wanted to know.
“Maria?” Asked Kennedy searching her memory, a light came on behind her eyes, “Oh Maria!” She exclaimed, “Maria was my maid when I was home from school she always got me up in the mornings…I haven’t thought about her in ages, why do you want to know?”
“Doesn’t matter now,” Replied Willow darkly, “I’ve got something to tell you.”
“I should hope so,” Kennedy complained, “I was in the middle of a really good dream.”
“Okay…sorry,” Willow sighed, “Look I’m a bit…you know upset.”
“Why honey?” Kennedy moved closer to Willow and put her arm around the witch’s shoulder.
“Well,” began Willow, “It looks like we’re not in Seattle anymore, an’ I can’t find the bathroom and I really need to pee!”
“Okay,” said Kennedy becoming Miss Practical Slayer, “We need some lights.”
Immediately the room lights came on.
“How’d you do that?” Demanded Willow, “I thought magic was my responsibility.”
“I don’t know,” replied Kennedy gazing around the room, “Maybe they’re voice activated or something.”
It was definitely not their bedroom at the Seattle YSWA House. The main section of the room was about sixteen feet square. The walls were grey painted metal hung with bad abstract art that added a little colour to what would otherwise be a drab metal box.
The bed on which they were presently sitting was narrower than their bed at home and covered with sheets and blankets made from some sparkly grey material. The carpet was grey but not sparkly and what furniture there was, seemed to be built into the walls. There was a dressing table and closets all in what looked like white Formica. The only free standing furniture was a table with four cheap plastic looking chairs and what looked like a computer terminal sitting on top of the table.
“I still need to pee.” Announced Willow fidgeting.
Kennedy pointed over to one side of the room where there appeared to be an alcove.
“Let’s try that.” She said sliding out of bed.
Taking hold of Willow’s hand she led the way over to the alcove. Looking into the recess the two women were confronted by a complicated arrangement of pipes, funnels nozzles and switches.
“This is the bathroom?” Asked Willow incredulously.
“Look,” Kennedy pointed to a sign on the wall, “Instructions.”
*A little later.*
“You alright in there?” Called Kennedy, “Or do you need a hand?”
“No…no I’m all right…I think. AAGH! Get off me!” Squealed Willow from the bathroom.
Kennedy was halfway across the room just as Willow reappeared from out of the ‘bathroom’.
“What’s wrong?” She demanded.
“Golly! There’s some strong suction in those pipes!” The witch explained.
The two women sat down on the chairs at the table and looked at each other.
“While I’ve no objection to wandering around naked,” said Willow, “It might be an idea if we found some clothes.”
“Maybe they don’t wear clothes.” Kennedy pointed out.
“Whoever this ship belongs to.”
“This ship…Oh sorry, Slayer hearing.” Explained Kennedy, “While you were in the,” she gestured towards the bathroom, “‘The Thing’, I did some listening.”
“There’s a sort of noise like an engine, an’ I could just hear people walking by outside. An’ look at this room.”
“It’s gotta be a cabin.” Kennedy waved her arms about to encompass the room.
“Bit…sorta…tacky?” Commented Willow.
“Yeah,” agreed Kennedy, “Look at this computer terminal.” They did, “Not even a flat screen monitor.”
“No mouse or keyboard?” Asked Willow.
“Not that I could find.”
“Maybe its voice activated like the lights?” Willow wondered.
Kennedy gestured towards the computer with a ‘go ahead’ type gesture.
“Hello Computer?” Asked Willow timidly.
“Working.” Replied a mechanical sounding voice from the terminal; there was even a suggestion of circuits opening and closing in the background.
“Um,” Hesitated Willow, “Where are we?” She asked finally.
“It appears,” said Willow after interrogating the computer for fifteen minutes, “That we’re in a reality were Star Trek is real, and we’re aboard the Starship Enterprise NCC 1701.”
“We are!?!?” Exclaimed Kennedy, “COOOOL!”
“It also appears,” Continued Willow giving her girlfriend an odd look, “That we’re on a diplomatic mission from our planet ‘Lesbos’.”
“LESBOS?” Cried Kennedy.
“Yep.” Replied Willow, “Apparently we’re a race of fierce warrior women.”
“We are?” Queried Kennedy as she looked over Willow’s shoulder at the computer screen, “Who writes this stuff?”
“Who knows?” Continued Willow, “I’m Ambassador Willowburg and you’re my trusted bodyguard…I’m sorry honey but it doesn’t mention your name.”
“Doesn’t matter,” explained Kennedy, “You know who I am.”
“Sure do sweetie.”
“Do we get to meet Kirk an’ Scotty an’ Spock?”
“Show command structure of the USS Enterprise at this time.” Willow commanded the Computer.
Sure enough moments later a ‘Table of Organisation’ for the Enterprise appeared on the screen.
“Yep.” Nodded Willow.
“Do we have a closet Trekkie here?” Willow asked turning to Kennedy with a grin.
“Trekker please.” Replied Kennedy.
“What’s the difference?” Willow asked.
“A Trekker wonders what sex is like in Zero-G,” Kennedy explained, “A Trekkie wonders what sex is like! Anyway I was always more interested in Yeoman Rand and Counsellor Troi. Picard was way cooler than James ‘I’ll screw anything vaguely humanoid’ Kirk.”
“I’ll watch out for him then.”
“You do that,” Agreed Kennedy, “Why are we here…or at least why are our characters here?”
“From what it says here,” explicated Willow, “The Lesbians are trying to decide whether to join the Federation or the Klingon Empire. Both sides want the…Lesbians,” Willow stifled a giggle, “Because their planet has rich deposits of Dilithium crystals?”
“They make the Warp Drives work.” Explained Kennedy.
“Don’t you know anything?” Muttered Kennedy; “Makes a change me explaining things to you.”
“Yeah it sure does.”
“So the Feds an’ the Klingons are after our crystals.”
“Well, there’s factions on Lesbos in favour of both options,” Willow ran her finger across the screen, “It looks like our instructions are to get the best deal we can and report back to Lesbos.”
“So we don’t have to make any decisions on which the fate of an entire planet will hang?”
“Not as such,” Willow agreed, “Looks like all we’ve got to do is get as much out of ‘em as we can an’ let someone else make the big decision.”
“Hmmm.” Said Kennedy.
“Hmmm, indeed.” Agreed Willow.
“Then why are we here?” Asked Kennedy.
“Can’t be for anything good.” Said Willow, she hesitated for a moment before saying, “Hey look I’ve found out something about you.”
“What’s that?” Asked Kennedy eagerly.
“According to this you’re a high ranking officer in an Elite Lesbos Combat unit called the…” Willow laughed out loud.
“What?” Demanded Kennedy trying to see passed Willow and get a look at the screen.
“Sorry sweet-heart,” giggled Willow, she took a deep calming breath before continuing, “This Elite unit is called…” Willow sniggered again, and then tried to keep her face straight, “Is called The…The Clitori!” Willow broke down into gales of laughter, she pointed at her girlfriend, “You’re a Clitori!” She screamed.
*Meanwhile out in the corridor.*
“Good morning Captain.”
“Good morning Spock, any sign of our guests yet?”
“Not as yet Captain.”
“Hmmm,” Captain Kirk hesitated before entering the turbo-lift, he turned to his First Officer and friend, “Maybe we should stop by. What do you think?”
“The whole situation is fraught with dangers Captain,” Explained Spock, “We know very little of Lesbos society. If we were to ‘Stop by’ as you say, we may interrupt them in some form of religious observance, thus causing offence. On the other hand our failure to ‘Stop by’ may be a social gaff of even greater magnitude. Insufficient facts always invite danger Captain.”
“You’re a great help to me Spock.” Replied Kirk thin lipped.
“Thank-you Captain I do what I can.”
Kirk eyed his First Officer trying to decide whether the Vulcan was being sarcastic or not. The whistle from one of the wall communicators interrupted his thoughts.
“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Came the familiar voice of the Enterprise’s communications officer.
“Kirk here,” Announced the Captain speaking into the comms unit.
“Uhura here sir,” Replied the bridge officer, “Captain there’s a Klingon ship on the starboard bow sir. A D7 Battlecruiser.”
Kirk looked at Spock all thoughts of visiting the Lesbians swept from his mind.
“Ship to Battle Stations Uhura I’ll be on the bridge presently.”
Kirk and Spock jumped into the turbo-lift and made their way to the bridge.
*The Lesbos Ambassador’s quarters.*
Willow stopped giggling long enough to ask, “What’s that noise?” There was a strident ‘Whoop-Whoop!’ noise coming from the speakers on the wall.
“What ever it is,” replied Kennedy, “I think it would be better if we investigated when we’re fully dressed.”
“You’ve found clothes?” Asked Willow hopefully.
“Yep,” Replied Kennedy, “While you were making jokes about a no doubt brave and honourable force of women. I was searching through the closets. Here,” She handed Willow a dress made of some silk like material. “What I want to know,” Asked Kennedy, “Is how come you get the nice silk frock, while I have to wear the leather bikini, bondage outfit?”
Willow glanced at the computer screen, “It says here that it’s the ceremonial uniform for the Clitori.”
“You’re enjoying this.” Said Kennedy darkly as she struggled to fit herself into the arrangement of straps and buckles that made up her ‘uniform’.
“Well does this look any better?” Asked Willow having fitted herself into the dress.
Willow stood before Kennedy dressed in a long flowing frock; it was covered in bright splodges of colour that were vaguely reminiscent of flowers. The outfit was backless and only a couple of whispers of material away from being ‘frontless’. Although the dress fell to her ankles there was a slash reaching from her left ankle to her waist which would expose a great deal of leg as she walked.
“I do hope this Lesbos place is a warm planet.” Willow commented.
“Yeah,” agreed Kennedy resplendent in her uniform of black leather and silver buckles, “I’d not want to go out on a Seattle winter’s day dressed like this.”
“Yep,” mused Willow, “It does rather expose your inter-mammary concavity…”
“My what?” Asked Kennedy tugging at one of her thigh boots.
“Never mind.” Grinned Willow, “Time to face the world.”
“Hold on.” Cried Kennedy as she disappeared into one of the closets again.
When she reappeared Kennedy passed Willow a long ceremonial dagger on a chain belt, while she fastened a long sword to a couple of straps on her own outfit.
“Do you really think we’ll need these?” Asked Willow doubtfully.
“It’s like I always tell the girls,” stated Kennedy flatly (or in her present outfit bustily), “It’s better to have it and not need it, than need it and not have it.”
Willow could see there was going to be no arguing with Kennedy over this, and reluctantly buckled on the dagger and belt.
Moments later the Delegation from Lesbos stood fully ‘dressed’ and equipped in front of the door to their cabin.
“Okay,” said Willow, “You’re the expert, how do we open the door?”
Kennedy thought about this for a moment.
“Door open.” She tried, the door remained closed, “Maybe, open door?” Once again the door remained motionless. Kennedy looked at Willow, “Any suggestions?” She asked.
“Fine expert you turned out to be,” sulked Willow, “Maybe I should try ‘Abracadabra’?”
“No wait!” Exclaimed Kennedy reaching towards the door and pressing a small button.
The door swished open, and the two women stepped out into the corridor.
“Where to now?” Asked Willow looking up and down the almost deserted corridor.
“We’ll boldly go where no lesbian has gone before,” announced Kennedy, she pointed down the corridor, “This way.” She proclaimed as she strode off leaving Willow behind for a moment.
“You sure?” Asked Willow running to catch up with her girlfriend.
“Trust me,” replied Kennedy, “I’m a Clitori!”