L is for Leela
DISTRIBUTION: Twisting the Hellmouth
SUMMARY: Anyanka goes on vacation, granting wishes across the multiverse.
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own the characters. They belong to a lot of people who aren’t me. I don't own Buffy, or Futurama.
Being a cartoon was a strange sensation. Anyanka couldn’t help but keep staring at herself in the small hand mirror. She had the same hideous overbite as the others, the weird skin color and three fingers and a thumb on each hand. Her eyes were weird round circles.
The lack of a third dimension was disorienting.
“So you are saying that you’ve been putting entire universes in boxes,” she said.
The old man nodded, then grinned. “It gave me something to do on a Saturday afternoon.”
“And now you have your own universe in that box over there, so that all anybody has to do to destroy it is to accidentally throw it out, run over it or set it on fire?”
“Yes, yes…” the old man said. He stared off into the distance.
He didn’t LOOK like a Q. He had a soul, though it was somewhat shriveled and had a surprising amount of darkness.
The only explanation she could come up with was that he was insane.
She was going to have to get out of here as soon as possible.
“I think I need to go back to my own world,” she said. Admitting that it hadn’t really been her world in the first place would only cloud the issue.
“I’m afraid that dimension was only accessible from the other universe.”
“But you have a lot of other boxes here. Maybe one of them will lead me to some place I can use to get back.”
“Why don’t you stay here?” The one semi normal looking man in the room spoke up. His voice was friendly, but he looked shiftless. He had the soul of an innocent though…the kind of innocence that comes from idiocy, not innate purity.
“I have to get back to my job,” Anyanka said. “My employer might be angry when he finds out that I’ve been abducted by a robot.”
The robot in question was sitting on the couch smoking a cigar. He glanced over at her and said, “It’s not my fault you weren’t treasure, toots.” He twirled a gold pirate’s earring around one finger then shoved it into his chest compartment.
He cackled, a laugh that was followed by the senile chuckling of the old man.
“Don’t listen to them,” Leela, the woman with one eye said. “We got you into this, and we’ll get you out.”
“Speak for yourself!” the old man said. “I have inventions to invent, and some of you have deliveries to make. The rest of you can go to hell!”
The lobster man looked up from where he was smelling Anyanka’s shoes. “Wha…”
“I mean you Zoidberg!” The old man staggered for a moment, the said “Where am I again?”
Leela ignored the professor’s outburst. “We’ll just have to keep going through the boxes until we find one that’s close to the one you started out at. Fry will help and so will Bender.” She turned to glare at the robot.
“Bite my shiny metal ass!” The robot grabbed a beer. “Bender doesn’t do favors for floozies!”
“I’m no floozy, and neither is Anna here.”
“Anyanka,” Anyanka said politely.
“You look like floozies to me.” Bender blew a puff of smoke in Anyanka’s direction.
“Bender, you make me sick. I wish you’d be more sensitive.”
“Like a woman? No way!” Bender stood up and started dancing. “I’m a man-bot all the way!”
“Granted,” Anyanka said under her breath. The robot was responsible for getting her into this mess in the first place. It deserved anything it got.
“You’d look funny in a bra, Bender.” Fry laughed at Bender pulled a bra from the door in his chest and waved it around the room.
“You both need to grow up! I wish you both could know what it was like to be used as a sex object!” Leela said.
“I’m all for that! Whoo Hoo!” Fry gave Bender a high five.
“Granted,” Anyanka said. This was starting to become interesting.
“What’s that?” Leela asked suddenly.
“Sorry, I coughed a little,” Anyanka said. She glanced around the room at the other’s, who were too self absorbed to notice what she was doing.
The robot was staring at her speculatively.
“I wish Santa Claus had always been a homicidal robot out to kill all humans.” Bender said.
Anyanka thought for a moment. Bender had about a week before becoming a fem-bot, so she could bend the rules just once.
She felt the universe shift around her. This one was retroactive, and suddenly life was looking up.
She’d have to look Bender up as a fem-bot. She could probably get him to wish for the death of humanity.
Whether cartoon people counted as much as real people, she wasn’t sure, but she had a good feeling about this trip already.
“They stole my nose,” Fry groused. “Those aliens stole my nose!”
He waved away the fake eyeglasses offered by Zoidberg.
Anyanka disliked Zoidberg. He smelled, and he tended to leave strange fluids in her shoes.
“It’s used as an aphrodisiac by certain alien cultures.” Anyanka said. She’d looked it up as soon as his nose went missing. There was a certain irony to it.
“How does it feel to be used as a sex object, Fry?” Leela asked.
Fry started to cry.
Anyanka sat back, feeling smug. It almost made the week she had spent with Leela, methodically going through box after box during Leela’s free time worth it.
Even the small victories were turning sour.
Fry’s plight had lead to an interstellar ban on human horn trafficking. Human rights advocates were thrilled.
Now Bender was getting a sex change operation so he could pass the tests for the Olympics.
Anyanka watched with satisfaction as the professor took wire cutters and clipped the antenna from the robot’s head.
It reminded her fondly of better days.
“There’s a robot Devil?” Anyanka asked in surprise.
Bender was much more tolerable as a female robot. Renaming himself Coillette had been only the first of the changes.
“He’s a big jerk!” Coillette said. “He thinks it’s funny to be ironic, but half the time he doesn’t know what irony is.”
“So robots have a hell?”
“It’s in New Jersey.”
Anyanka nodded sagely. It would pretty much have to be.
“I wish he’d get stuck up in one of his own schemes.” Coillette said.
Feeling magnanimous, Anyanka said “Done.”
The world hadn’t been the same since Fry had sat on the box. None of the others had noticed, but Anyanka felt a continual crick in her neck.
At least they’d finally found a box leading back to one of the three dimensional worlds.
Bender was back to his old self, and Fry had somehow tricked the robot devil into giving him his hands.
He’d played beautifully, then lost everything.
It was ironic.
At least the Robot Santa had hundreds of years of mayhem to add to her credit.
She hugged Leela, who was the only one to see her off.
“Good luck,” the one eyed woman said.
Anyanka sighed. In the end it had been a little like a vacation after all. Not many wishes, not much to do other than get addicted to robot porn and robot soap operas, and talk about girl things.
She hadn’t spent much time doing that sort of thing over the past thousand years, and she found herself wishing she could do it more often. Other than Halfrek, she didn’t have any friends among the other Vengeance Demons.
She sighed and stepped into the box.
It was time to get back to work.