Title: Perfect Match
Disclaimer: All things BtVS belong to Joss Whedon, et al. All things SPN belong to Eric Kripke, et al.
Pairings: Wait and see
Timeline: Post Chosen, post season two Supernatural.
Summary: Andrew sorts out Buffy and Faith's love life, using science, kinda.
The trainee slayerettes at the New Watchers Council Chapter House in Cleveland, Ohio, cowered in fear. Quavering, they put their heads under plump pillows in their dorm rooms drowning out the scary sounds of the oldest still living slayers in recorded history coming to blows downstairs in the mess hall.
“Date his little brother, you’ve both murdered people with knives, gives you something to chat about over a candlelit dinner.” Buffy somersaulted over the dining table and struggled unsuccessfully to knock Faith over.
“You date his kid bro!” Faith attempted to stomp on Buffy’s feet. “You both went to college and dropped out, you can talk about panty raids on dorms and crap. Dean and I are both big on non-nerdy popular culture.”
“So’s Xander, eighty percent of the time - try dating him instead of strangling him! Dean has to make the hard choices, more suited to me, much?!” Buffy pulled Faith’s hair and slapped her face.
“Suck on it, B.! Dean and me have the most in common.” Faith clawed Buffy’s cheek with her fingernails. “We’re sarcastic, emotionally screwed up and give the impression we get laid lots, even though people haven’t seen us with that many actual lovers. Unlike you, slut.”
“Skanky, lying bitch!” Buffy pushed Faith down on the ground, straddling her and ripping Faith’s favorite tank top on purpose. “Dean and I are both eldest children of single sex sole parent families, who are prepared to die to save our siblings. That’s destiny!”
Faith grabbed a discarded half-full Coke bottle from the floor, splashing the brown liquid over Buffy’s white blouse, hoping to cause a permanent stain. “Dean and I believe destiny’s a load of B.S. and have made several anti-religious statements! Frickin’ vamp groupie!”
“Ladies!” Xander Harris, (called over from his bar urgently, by a frantic Vi - head slayer of the Cleveland Hellmouth), stood imposingly at the door of the dining room, brandishing an elephant tranquilizer rifle. “For the sake of all that’s holy, mom and apple pie, you need to stop this cat-fight immediately!”
“Or what?” Buffy and Faith, united against their common interfering foe , turned their heads as one.
“Or this,” Xander fired tranquilizer darts at them in quick succession.
Buffy and Faith came around out of their drugged stupor with their wrists and ankles manacled, lying on a double bed together in Vi’s pink and white bedroom.
Vi, Xander and Andrew hovered over them anxiously.
“Having happy flashbacks?” Buffy inquired of Faith snidely, wriggling as far away from Faith as she could almost falling off the bed in the process.
“God, gimme a break, Blondie, like you’ve never done this crap with Spike,” Faith retorted immediately, rolling away also.
“I meant your time in like prison!” Buffy hissed furiously at her across the bed.
“Would you two cut it out, already?” Vi begged distraught. “Y’all are meant to be role models for the younger slayers.”
“Untie us and we’ll kiss and make up,” Faith held out her wrists expectantly.
Buffy nodded in agreement, frowning at the excited look on Xander’s face. “But not with tongues. Ew.” Buffy raised her wrists too.
“Oh foolish, past expiry date, slayers.” Andrew shook his head mournfully. “We know your temporary truce with one another is always as precarious as the peace treaty between the Romulan Empire and the Federation.”
“You guys arguing over who gets to date Winchester, needs a quick and final solution.” Xander switched on Andrew’s computer. “Fortunately, very fortunately, Andrew here, has a state of the art computer program, that will decide who gets to be with Dean and who would be better off getting jiggy with Sammy.”
“How does it work?” Vi asked interested, leaning over Andrew’s shoulder.
Andrew took a seat on the swiveling computer chair with the air of a master pianist about to play a concerto. “It’s extremely scientific and modern while at the same time being based on ancient, mystic lore; I just need everyone’s birthdates.”
“Well, Buffy-wuffy’s is January 19 1981 and Faithiekin’s is December 14 1980. I don’t know the Winchester bros.” Xander contributed, standing in front of the computer, blocking Faith and Buffy’s view of the screen.
“I do, I saw Willow cast a spell on their real drivers licenses to help wipe out parking fines.” Vi scratched her head, recalling the information. “Hold on, okay. Dean was born on January the 24th, 1979 and Sam was born on um…”
“This is very important, Vi.” Andrew entered the available data quickly.
“Uh… ooh, May the 2nd, 1983.” Vi punched her fist in the air in victory.
“Right, hmm. Okay, first up Buffy and Dean.” Andrew clicked his mouse.
“It’s always about Buffy first.” Faith grumbled rebelliously.
“I’m doing it alphabetically.” Andrew soothed.
“Okay I guess…” Faith always paranoid under stress, started to quietly hum the ‘Sesame Street ABC’ tune, double checking. “Yo, what about surnames, bud?”
“We’re all friends here.” Xander patted Faith on the shoulder. “No need for formality.”
“Get on with the data read-outage.” Buffy wriggled on the bed impatiently.
“Buffy, you’re a Number One type female," Andrew began pompously.
Faith sat up straight, outraged. “What the fu... how come she gets to be a Number One?”
“Let me get on with it, please! Could Han Solo fly the Millennium Falcon properly with constant interruptions? I think not.” Andrew slammed his hands on the computer desk in frustration.
“It’s no big.” Faith lied hurt, adding yet another psychological issue to her bulging mental baggage.
“Dean, Number Two type male.” Andrew raised his voice in case he got interrupted again. “Number One females and Number Two males make great friends.”
Buffy stuck her tongue out at Faith.
Xander gulped, could one of his wet dream fantasies be about to take place?
Andrew poured verbal cold water over Xander’s smutty thoughts. “But Number Two males tend to be forever seeking freedom, which conflicts with the Number One females desire to be in charge.”
“And make speeches.” Vi mumbled to Xander in a knowing manner.
“Sexually.” Andrew realized everyone in the room waited with baited breath. “Number Two males tend to roll over and go to sleep immediately after um, love making, and be previously esoteric in bed, which doesn’t sit too well with Number One females’ sensuous side. The relationship is doomed.”
“Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh.” Faith jeered at Buffy, with the lack of sophistication that contributed to her break up with Robin Wood. “So me for once?”
“No, wait…” Buffy hadn’t felt this devastated since she got pulled out of heaven. Dean was such a hottie.
“Sorry Buffy. Faith… Number Twelve type female with a Number Two type male. Wow. Soul-mates. You both share a zest for living and neither will tie the other one down. In fact you have a high chance of having a successful marriage.” Andrew enthused; he squinted, shocked at the screen. “Hey, you both need to look after your sexual health.”
“Getting hitched? Whoa.” Faith pretended to feel claustrophobic at the prospect. She could wear a white, perhaps an off-white, satin gown with a real low neckline, and Dean could carry her over the threshold of their honeymoon suite….
“Look after their sexual health?” Xander reflexively scratched his groin, remembering the repercussions and ointment needing to be applied after his brief half hour of passion with Faith eight years ago.
Faith looked guilty for only a fraction of a second.
“Ew.” Buffy repeated haughtily, maybe it wouldn’t be that peachy-nifty to get involved with Dean at the end of the day.
“So what about their compatibility with Sam?” Vi wondered next.
Andrew proceeded to calculate the odds. “Sam, a Number Five type male, would drive Faith insane with his fixed steady purpose in life and materialistic priorities - but he and Buffy with their combined earthy sensuality…sizzling. Buffy will make Sam feel secure and he’ll appreciate her sense of humor.”
“B. has … a great one!” Faith was prepared to be generous, seeing how she got to have Dean obviously.
“Strangely enough, Number One females are often drawn to younger males, as these men are more flexible to be molded to their way of doing things.”
Buffy immediately realized why her love life had gone wrong for so many years.
Andrew carried on heedless to Buffy’s expression of self revelation. “They both value quality and will bring out the romantic side in each other. An enduring marriage could result from Buffy finding true love and happiness with Sam. You both love kids.”
“Okay, lead me on to tall, dark, occasionally possessed and handsome! I finally see fat grandchildren in my future.” Buffy put out her hands to be unshackled.
Xander unlocked the two twenty-six year old slayers restraints, offering to drive the women to the Motel the Winchester brothers were sleeping in that night.
Vi remained behind with Andrew, as Faith and Buffy dashed out the door, elbowing each other out of the way in their haste, followed by a chuckling Xander.
“Xander always comes through in a crisis. So anyway, I’m a Cancer.” Vi blushed. “Can you remember if Xander’s birthday party last year was in August or September?”
“He’s a Virgo.” Andrew clicked the mouse once more, to re-find Gypsy Rose’s, ‘Written in the Stars’ Astrological love-match website.