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Fun with sticks

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Story

Summary: Buffy and Faith accidentally find the entrance to the wizarding world, also known as Diagon Alley! See what happens next!

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Harry Potter > Multiple Pairings > Humor(Past Donor)SchizophrenFR151013,41006621,45611 May 0725 May 09No

Lessons and pain

Hi everyone, we're back again with more insanity from hell,

we still own nothing and if you want to keep your sanity you better not read this,

but to everyone else enjoy!!!!

Oh and REVIEWWWWW or else...... *grrr*

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Buffy and Faith stood in front of a group of nervous fifth years, including, Draco, Dawn and the other Slytherins and of course the gruesome threesome consisting of Harry Potter, Ronald Wesley and Hermione Granger, with their fellow Gryffindors.

Buffy made a step forward and cleared her throat before explaining:

“Welcome dear students to your first lesson of how not to die in battle, in this class you will learn how to survive gruesome monsters and come out almost clean of icky situations. Form pairs and we will begin with teaching immediately but remember to take partners you hate, so you won’t hold back attacking them.”

Faith walked up beside Buffy, crossing her arms in front of her chest.

“Please inform us, if you are bleeders or otherwise handicapped, so we can take that into consideration of your partners.”

While the teens paired up with those they hated Buffy leaned in and whispered to Faith:

“What now? The sentences we prepared are already used.”

“I would say we just start fighting, because fighting equals not much talking.” Faith whispered back.

“Sounds good to me.” Buffy grinned and straightened her back.

“Please put your wands down, we will not use them, this is a hands on class.” Faith said loud enough for all the students to hear her.

Buffy frowned when she saw that a few of the students hesitated to put their wands away so she just walked up to the nearest pair, who were Ronald Weasley and Draco Malfoy. The boys were glaring at each other both clutching their wands as if their lives depended on it.

“Okay boys now put them down, before you poke yourself an eye out.” Buffy said and from behind her Faith could be heard saying:

“That wouldn’t be a very good first lesson. How do we explain that to the parents?”

Buffy turned around to look at her sister slayer.

“Well… it wouldn’t be our fault if they poke themselves an eye out, either way it would be their fault because they are too stupid to keep pointy things away from sensitive body parts… or otherwise it would be their parents fault, because you don’t give your brain damaged kid a pointy stick.” Buffy explained, but Faith tapped her chin and reasoned:

“But how do they know that their kid is brain damaged?”

“Well… they should, after all it’s their kid.”

“But what if the parents are brain damaged too, and too stupid to realize that their kids are the same?” Buffy looked a long moment at the ceiling and thought hard about that question before answering:

“It is not our problem and they sure have someone in the family who is not brain damaged, he should have said something, otherwise it would be irresponsible.”

Faith nodded satisfied with Buffy’s explanation, but it seemed like that the two students they were talking about weren’t so happy after all.

“Are you calling me brain damaged? I know why can see it in him, but I am a Malfoy and for fifty generations I can vouch for the intelligence of my family, no one of them was, as you called it ‘brain damaged’.” Draco said looking down at Buffy, who was slightly shorter than him.

Buffy nodded and pointed her finger at Draco saying:

“You’ve got a good point there. So we can be sure that you just poke others eyes out and not your own, as it should be. So what about you Weasel? Are you brain damaged?”

Ron’s face turned as red as his hair, because everyone was staring at him, the Slytherins slightly laughing.

“Wel… I… what… me… I never… my family… damaged..”

“I agree with you on that one. Give me your stick please, you can collect it after the lesson, but only if you can give me a proper sentence.” Ron gave his wand to Buffy while Faith opened her mouth to say something, she shut it quickly again, then she asked quietly:

“Are you poor?”

Ron stared at the dark haired slayer, his face glowing by now, Draco snickered by his side, which didn’t make things better for him and because he wasn’t answering Draco said:

“Oh yeah… he is really really poor, just look at his worn clothes.” Faith furrowed her brows looking Ron up and down, scratching the back of her head. Then she said disappointed:

“Damn… not only poor, but really really poor. Now I have to be extra nice to you. Come here my friend, from now we will be not only best buddies but we will also be partners forever.”

At that Ron looked like he would faint any minute. Draco was laughing out loud by now, then he turned to look at Buffy saying:

“That okay with me. I can team up with Potter, I hate him just as much as the Weasel anyway.”

“Oh, that is very considerate of you Mr. Malfoy, you are indeed a very good boy.” Buffy praised him and patted his head.

“Now we have a little Problem, right Mr.. Croyle… wasn’t it… anyway… I mean you, the big one, who was paired with Potthead….err… I mean Potter… hm… who do we pair you with?” Buffy’s eyes searched the room for a while before she continued:

“Oh I know. You will pair with Dawnie…” Then she turned to her sister, who had paired with Pansy Parkinson before and advised her:

“Be nice to him… it’s his first time. Hm… that leaves us with you Miss Parkinson…. May I ask you if you have any diseases and stuff, or is your name just a really bad joke?!” Pansy didn’t answer, she just glared at Buffy who laughed and before she could say something Faith’s voice could be heard:

“Careful B. it could happen that she tries to poke you eye out.”

“Oh I would like that, let her come, but until then you will pair with the girl with the hair.” Pansy immediately knew who Buffy was talking about and walked over to Hermione Granger who gaped like fish, she couldn’t believe what was happening in this classroom.

“Okay, one more. Miss… of-whom-I-don’t-know-the-name you will pair with…..” Her eyes scanned the room again.

“Please raise your hand if you don’t have a partner yet.” Unsure in the back of the room a shaking hand was raised towards the ceiling.

“Oh… Mr.. Bottom.. Now that’s wonderful, everyone’s happy now and we can finally start. Faith would you get the instruments?” A few students gasped at that word, but relaxed when Faith carried a net full of balls into the room.

“One member of every team will come up here and receive a ball. You will then throw the ball at your team member, he has to catch the ball. The goal of this whole exercise is that you throw the ball hard enough to knock your partner down.”

The hairy girl raised her hand and Buffy groaned.

“Yes…. Miss Hair.”

“You cannot do that, we could get hurt, and what is it good for anyway?”

Buffy sighed deeply and looked over at Faith, she dropped the net and put both hands on her hips explaining:

“Listen up girly…We are the teachers, you will listen to what we say. If we say throw the ball you will throw the ball, got that… and by the way, how could you get hurt, the balls are almost weightless.”

With that Faith pulled one big orange ball out of the net and threw it right at Hermione. She screeched and stretched her arms out, she caught the ball, but was thrown backwards until she hit the wall.

“See. That wouldn‘t have happened if you had any strength in your upper body, for which this exercise is very useful.” Faith said turning towards the balls.

“Now everyone go to Faith and get yourself a ball. I will supervise.”



Hermione scrambled to her feet and glared at the laughing pug girl.

“Let’s start.” she said with a huff. Throwing the ball with all her might at the Slytherin. But all her might wasn’t mighty enough, because the ball didn’t even reach Pansy, it just dropped to the ground immediately, which made Pansy laugh even more.

“You are so pathetic…”

“Miss Parkinson don’t tease the weak girl, we are here to learn after all and you should not make fun of fellow classmates.”

Pansy just nodded reaching down for the ball, but couldn’t even lift it from the ground. She tried it for a few moments before she gave up and gasped:

“How heavy is this thing?”

“Not even 50 pounds we start easy.” Both girls stared in disbelieve at their teacher, who crouched down and picked the ball up, with one hand. Then she gave it to Pansy, who had problems to not just fall over out of balance by this sudden weight.

“Now… continue.” Buffy ordered continuing her round through the classroom.



Harry caught the ball in midair just before it hit him right in the face, but couldn’t handle the weight, so he fell to the ground.

Draco laughed, pleased by his throw and that Potter was now sitting in front of him glaring up at him.

“Very good Mr. Malfoy. At least one of you has potential.” Buffy said stopping by the Slytherin’s side, patting his shoulder.

“Mr. Potter, I’ve expected so much more of you… I mean, don’t you have to defeat a darkloard, how are you gonna do this without muscles in your upper body. Perhaps we should think about one on one training sessions, I am sure Professor Faith would gladly be of assistance. You will see we have you shape in no time.”

Harry just sat on ground dropping his head on the ball in his lap, groaning, why did bad things always happen to him?



Dawn was staring off into space, when Buffy passed her. She caught the ball with ease every time and also every time when she threw it at Croyle he was pushed backwards.

“Very good Dawn. It is nice to see you socializing with fellow students, you are really a good kid, keep up the great work.”

Dawn just nodded, waiting for Croyle to catch his breath and that he threw the ball again.




Ron stared at the ceiling knocked down for the fiftieth time, at least it felt like that.

“Just stay down…” Ron said to himself, trying to breath while the 50 pound ball was lying on his chest.

“Don’t be a girl Weasel. I am trying to motivate you.”

“Motivate my ass.” Ron mumbled, not sure, where a girl her size got that power from. How could she possibly throw a ball like that?

“Did you curse, Mr. Wesley?” Faith asked in a dangerously low voice.

Ron rose his head a little looking at Faith’s expectant face.

“No… no….never.. Not.. I have never ever cursed before… I just said you motivate.. my ass… really well…..?!”

Faith furrowed her brows looking down at the redheaded boy.

“Strange…. But thanks anyway…” Then she mumbled to herself:

“Maybe it’s a British thing…. I should go and ask Giles.”


Sweating, huffing and in pain the lesson ended, Buffy grinned broadly at her students.

“Not bad for the first time. Believe me with a little practice it will get better.”

The students hurried out of the classroom, as quick as their hurt bodies allowed it, Buffy looked after them, shouting:

“And next time, we will play dodge ball and enchant these little balls to test your reflexes.” While Dawn grinned excitedly and clapped her hands, all other students paled. Then they fled from the scene.

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That's it for now and I fully blame this insanity on the sugar rush, too many donuts from dunkin' donuts^^

The End?

You have reached the end of "Fun with sticks" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 25 May 09.

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