Joss Whedon owns all the characters.
Dawn was standing in the middle of a cemetery. She was holding hands with River and she was standing at her own grave. "This is really weird," she said.
River squeezed her hand. "I know."
They turned around when they heard a low growling noise. A vampire was crawling out of the grave behind them. Dawn sighed. "Oh yay. This will be fun."
River pulled a stake out of her pocket. She moved towards the vampire. But the scene suddenly changed before she reached him. The cemetery faded, and they were now back at the Academy. River whimpered and dropped her stake. She clutched her head and began to cry. "No! Two by two, hands of blue. Two by two, hands of blue."
Dawn looked around, searching for the men. They were here somewhere. They had to be. She saw a sword on a nearby table. She grabbed it and held it tight. "Calm down," she said to River. "Pick up your stake and help me. We have the power here."
"Do you really?" two of the blue hand men stepped out of the shadows. They looked at her, their faces expressionless. "Is that what you think Miss Tam?"
"I don't think it, I know it," Dawn replied. She stared them down without any fear. "You guys are just a bunch of men who are messing with forces you don't understand. You don't know what slayers really are or what we can do."
They rushed her at once and she didn't hesitate. She swung her sword and decapitated one. She moved out of the grip of the other one and stabbed him. "I told you I had the power. Maybe you should listen next time, dumbasses."
"Two by two, hands of blue. Can't touch me anymore."
Dawn looked up and saw that River had an ax. She wondered where her sister had gotten one, but she didn't ask. River brought the ax down on the dead men, cutting off their hands. "Can't touch me anymore," she repeated.
"Damn right they can't," Dawn agreed.
They went out the nearest door. They found themselves outside again, only this time they were on a completely different planet. Dawn looked around and found a sight that made her gasp. Hundreds upon hundreds were coming towards them, their scarred faces staring hungrily at them.
River screamed and covered her ears. "Get out of my head! Please God get them out of my head! They won't stop screaming."
"River help me," Dawn said as she raised her sword.
"I can't. There's too much screaming."
Dawn bit her lip. She was on her own. She stepped forward, only hoping that it ended quick.
"Nibblet! Nibblet wake up! Damn it Dawn, I swear if you don't wake up I'll bite you."
Dawn woke up with a gasp. Spike was leaning over her, holding on to her arms. Illyria was standing next to him, looking at her curiously. "Why are you guys in here?" she asked.
"You were screaming," Spike replied. He looked relieved now that she was awake. "You and that new twin of yours. I'll be surprised if you two didn't wake up the whole crew."
She shook her head. "Jayne won't wake up. He sleeps through everything. He even slept through a bounty hunter sneaking on the ship and trying to collect me and River." She sat up and wiped her hair out of her eyes.
The door opened and River and Simon burst in. River had a wild look in her eyes. "They won't stop screaming!" she said hysterically. "The Reavers are still screaming in my head." She jumped right next to Dawn and hugged her. Dawn hugged her back. She was glad she wasn't psychic. It seemed to be much more trouble than it was worth.
"In my time nightmares walked among us," Illyria said softly. "After all these years, it still pains me to see what they have been reduced to."
Spike rolled his eyes. "You really need something else to complain about Blue."
Illyria nodded and turned to Simon. "Spike has not given me orgasms for the past week. Do you find this odd?"
Simon's eyes widened. "Uhhh..." He stopped to look at Dawn. "What am I supposed to say?"
"You two are together?" Dawn asked. She could hardly believe it.
"We use each other for sexual gratification," Illyria answered before Spike could. "There are no feelings involved, and no protection because neither of us can breed." She looked back at Simon. "Your body warms for the mechanic. Do you wish to mate and produce offspring with her?"
Dawn severely doubted that Simon could have turned any redder than he was now. He opened his mouth but then he shut it. He turned around and left the room as fast as he could. Dawn and River giggled and even Spike chuckled. Illyria, on the other hand, failed to see what was so funny.
"Does he not know how to mate? Is that why he fails to answer my question?"
"Simon's a boob," River said between giggles.
"And a prude," Dawn added. "Sex talk scares him."
"And are the rest of these people prudes?" asked Illyria.
"The Captain wants the Companion," River said suddenly. "And she wants him. But neither will admit it."
Illyria nodded and left.
"You just created a monster," Spike said with a shake of his head. "Ever since she's discovered the joy of sex, she's become determined that everybody should have it. It's like Anya, only way scarier."
"So when did you two start bumping uglies?" Dawn asked. She was curious because she never remembered hearing about that before she "died".
"Well it all started when Blue saw her first porno," Spike said. "She got curious and began wanting to shag everybody. She shagged me, Connor, Andrew and she even tried to seduce Willow. Poor Red nearly had a heart attack. And not only that, but now she thinks she's a match maker. She set up Connor with Vi and she even got Andrew a date."
"That doesn't sound too bad," Dawn said.
Spike raised his eyebrow. "It doesn't sound bad until you find out HOW she did it. That's when things start to get a little scary."
At that moment Jayne came in the room. He had the biggest grin on his face. "Mal says you have to come help him. That crazy blue haired girl is trying to make him and Inara mate."
Dawn gave River a glare. "Are you proud of yourself?"
River nodded. "Yes. Yes I am."
Dawn sighed and got up. "Where's Mal?" she asked Jayne.
"Dining room," he replied.
Dawn ran towards the dining room with Jayne, Spike and River on her heels. She skidded to a halt when she saw what happened. Mal was laying on the table and Inara was straddling his hips. Illyria was holding them both in place, and giving them instructions that sounded like they could have came out of a manual called Sex for Dummies.
"Dawn I told you to keep her in line!" Mal yelled hysterically. "This is not in line! This is so far over the line that I can't even see it anymore!"
Dawn couldn't respond. She had fallen over laughing, and she couldn't even breathe. River collapsed on top of her, absorbed in her own laughter.
Spike grinned at everybody. "This is going to be fun."