Title: The Slayer Bride Part 8/?
Author: Lora Darcy
Disclaimer: Alas, not mine! I do not on any of the characters found in the following story. I don’t own the premise. I own nothing. The Princess Bride is the property of William Goldman, MGM, and Ballantine Books. Buffy the Vampire Slayer is the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and Fox.
Author’s Note: Yipppeee! I’ve updated. Yay me. Thanks for all the reviews. After reading your comments, I’ve gone back and made a few changes to the previous chapters. Also, don’t worry, those of you who tell me you can’t stand Riley. I don’t like him any better than you do. He just fits. *Shrugs* And no one says I have to stick exactly to Goldman’s script/book….
A Second, Vastly Important Author’s Note: Well, it seems you were all correct. As much as I want Willow to be Fezzik in my retelling, I’m afraid it won’t happen. I am going back to the previous chapter and will make the proper changes. I really wanted a witch for stuff later on in the story, but, regardless of my ideas, it seems that Willow refuses to cooperate! :) So, Clem it is! Hope I haven’t confused you too much.
Chapter Eight: Inconceivable
The Loose-Skinned Demon carried the unconscious (and rather heavy) Riley into a large van and stuffed him into the trunk. The Demon started to turn away, but paused halfway through closing the door. After a quick look at the Geek, the Demon snatched a small pillow and placed it under Riley’s head. A small pat on Riley’s head later, the Demon closed the door, noticeably pleased with himself.
There was the loud sound of something squishy being dropped to the ground.
“Just what do you think you’re doing?” the Brit asked.
“Leaving mutilated body parts,” the Geek replied, as though spreading about decomposing arms and legs was a completely natural thing. “Dead bodies, symbols of the occult, a few bloody daggers, that sort of thing. You know, Hellmouthy-stuff.”
“It’s smelly. Not that I’m knocking it, just… Smelly.” The Demon shrugged. “But what’s the Hellmouth?”
The Geek sighed, exasperated. “Don’t you guys ever watch the news? The Hellmouth! The enemy of Sunnydale? Once the police find his car, the supplies will make the Princess assume that Hellmouth demons and vampires have stolen her love. When she finds Riley’s dead body by the high school, she’ll be blaming the Hellmouth. Mulder and Scully did the same thing once.”
“Um… The same thing? I must have missed that one. Oh-boy. Sounds like a good one.” The Demon sighed. “I wish I’d had Tivo back then….”
“Well, it wasn’t exactly the same! But with the aliens and stuff it was pretty damn similar. And with our Hellmouth, I’d say our plan is pretty much unstoppable.”
“But you never said we had to kill him,” Clem said, frowning.
“Hello! The evil Princess-y hired us to start a thing called war? It takes brains, wit, intelligence, good-looks, and, well, a little killing people. But once we’ve started the war, the offers will start pouring in.” The Geek smiled. “Fame. Fortune. Hot babes. Oh yes. They’ll all be there. No robots necessary. Ahh…” He looked over at the Demon, abruptly torn out of his daydreams. “So quit worrying wrinkle-face. Everything’s fine.”
“Still,” the Demon said, “it’s not fair. Killing a guy like that. He seems like a fun guy like you’d find in a romantic comedy.”
“You! Floppy-ears. Did you just offer input?” The Geek whirled on the Demon. “You weren’t hired to be our conscience. ‘Fun guy?’ What lame kind of reason is that? We’re not trying to be fair. The script for the Phantom Menace wasn’t ‘fair.’ But the action still was pretty rocking. With the double-sided light-sab…. Just shut up and get in the car.”
“Mr. Geek, I agree with Clem,” the Brit spoke up.
“Hey. Hey! Reformed Vampire speaks. We’re villains here. We kill him when I say we kill him. And remember,” the Geek began to walk towards the vampire, trying his hardest to walk like a Bond baddie, “without me, pal? You would just be a drunk, hallucinating, pathetic former baddie. Now why aren’t we moving?”
The Geek climbed into the back seat. He nodded at the Demon and the Brit and gave an imperious wave of his hand.
“What in the bloody hell was that Spock-boy?” the Brit laughed from the driver’s seat. “I don’t speak princess.”
The Geek glared. “Just drive! Fast. We need to beat the guys from Speed.”
The Platinum-haired Brit rolled his eyes. Once the Demon Clem had situated himself in the front passenger seat, the lurched forward and then began to whiz down the road.
“So,” the Demon said cheerfully. “I bet you a cat the guy will wake up soon!”
“I see your cat and raise you a kitten, that Wonder Boy back there won’t be able to figure out what the hell’s going on until we explain it all in slow, one-syllable words,” the Brit replied, nodding wisely. His blue eyes flickered to the review mirror.
“You’re on. And I got a kitten that says I’ll clean you out in cards tonight….” The Demon continued, happy just to be gambling.
A scream of frustration was heard from the back-seat. “No more kittens! Will you two please remember that we’re trying to be evil here?” The Geek sat with his arms crossed, looking very put-out.
“Aha! You’d better pay up!” from the Brit. “Three kittens. Said Robot Boy would bring up the evil thing.”
“Enough!” shrieked the Geek. “We’re almost to the cemetery.”
The Brit nodded, again looking in the review mirror. He frowned.
“Why do you keep doing that?” The Geek whined.
“I’m checking to make sure we’re alone on this bleedin’ road.”
“I already told you. We’re alone. No one’s gonna know until it’s too late. Boys, Congratulations. We’re Supervillians. Unstoppable.” The Geek cocked his head, his mind wandering.
“You sure?” The Brit responded, doubtfully.
“Repeat? Congratulations. Supervillians. Unstoppable. Remember?”
The Brit shook his head, again looking into the review mirror.
With a jolt, the Geek returned to the present. “I’m…. just curious…. What’s with the cross-examination?”
“Oh Brilliant,” the Brit responded, chuckling slightly. “I just looked back, mate. They definitely got somebody following us. Bloody hell….”
“Probably just some health freak out for a midnight jog through werewolf-infested streets. Again, we’re Supervillians here. Completely unstoppable….” Despite his words, however, the Geek was starting to look nervous. He and the Demon both look back and find the dark street behind them empty and ominous. Things were starting to get eerie. The Geek’s eyes began to water as he found himself staring at the street behind them.
Then—the clouds moved past the moon. They could see a figure in the distance. A figure in black. The black runner was still a good distance behind them, but was advancing on them like hell. It was most definitely gaining on them.
End Chapter 7.
Expect next part very soon. A promise, this time! I had to go back and rewrite this chapter, once I realized I just couldn’t continue to use Willow here. Most of the next section was already written, so I hope to revise it/complete it soon-ish. Please leave me a review!