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Wrong Host Wrong Place

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Summary: B:tVS/SG-1. A Goa'uld really picks the wrong person to take as a new host, and SG-1 pays part of the price.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > General(Past Donor)NycorsonFR1315,27654615,80910 Jun 0710 Jun 07Yes
This is a pinch hit for jrabbit - I hope he enjoys

10. Three things I Want: a) Set entirely in Sunnydale in season 2/3. b) A goa'uld taking a regular BtVS character as a host. c) Unintentionally heroic Snyder!

Setting: This is prior to the Zeppo and after the Fluke and at some nebulous time in SG-1 where Jack is still there.

"What do you mean a Goa'uld got loose and is now running around in Southern California?" General Hammond all but yelled into the phone. "What in the HELL was the NID doing with one in the first place?! No, not really, I don't care that they had permission to '"experiment" I want to know how they got one past my Stargate! The Russians, why the hell, oh great, do I even want to know what they traded the Russians for one Goa'uld?" There was a long pause and the General's face went pale then he smiled. "Well guess what, YOU get to tell the president that you traded away 5 kilos of naquadh for one Goa'uld that you then lost, I only have to deal with getting the Goa'uld back. Have fun." He hung up the phone and reached for the bottle of antacids and aspirin in his drawer.

"Mary, could you please call SG-1 to the briefing room, they have 15 minutes."


Saturday night was Bronze night, and normally Cordelia’s favorite place to break hearts and torch egos, but tonight she had a monkey on her own heart that would not let go. "Look Cordy I don't expect you to forgive me, but I am trying to apologize here, I never meant to hurt you."

"As if, I would, could ever be hurt by a Neanderthal like you Harris." Cordelia Chase's tight back and stiff arms as they walked back from the Bronze belayed every word, and the slumped shoulders and hangdog expression gave lie to the extra strength the swim team experiment had given Xander Harris.

"I know. I deserve that, but Cordy, please I just want to make it up to you." So focused on her that Xander wasn't paying attention to much of anything, not the strange woman approaching from one direction, not Faith the new slayer in town leaning against a light pole down the street, nothing except trying to make up for the colossal blunder he had made.

"Don't worry worm, I shall take over her body and you shall be dead. I need a new host." A strange echoy voice jerked both Cordy and Xander out of their self imposed funks and they turned to look at the new comer, the glowy eyes being a dead give away that what ever this was, it wasn't human.

Hellmouth born reflexes aided by a solider still imposed on his reflexes, had a stake in Xanders' hand and him launching at the newcomer before the stranger expected it. "You ain't touching her." He yelled, the stake aiming for the heart.

Surprise writ across the strangers face, but she put up no defense, letting the stake sink into the host body, Faith drawn by the yell moved at slayer speed over there, seeing Xander attacking what looked like a human to her. In the scuffle no one notice a snake expel from the human's mouth and attack Cordelia. Her yell of pain was lost in the shouts, and then even her will was being over ridden by Kvenst, and she got up and walked off as Kvenst marveled in its healthy new host, and the strange new information it's mind contained.

"Xander, XANDER!" Faith pulled Xander off the body by force, the now dead body, just laying there, looking very human and very harmless. They both stood and looked at it for a moment.

"Um… shouldn't non-humany guys be dust or goo or something by now?" Xander asked nervously.

"Uh….. normally yeah. Ya sure it was non-humany?" Faith asked cautiously. She had only been in town a few months and still was very much on the outside of everything.

"Well pretty sure," Xander was starting to stress, "There was the glowy eyes, the echoy voice, and the whole 'I need a new host' routine, all that pointed to non-human… so… why is there a body? Cordy you heard all that right?"

They both turned, but there was no Cordelia. For a moment Xander was hurt that she cared so little that she would just walked away then reality kicked in, Cordy never walked away from a fight, especially not one where someone said they were going to take over her body. It wasn't going to happen. "Umm… Cordy is gone… I think, maybe we should get Giles and tell him."

"What about dead dudess?"

"Can we bring her?"

Fifteen minutes later after much griping on both sides, dead dudess was wrapped up in some liberated trash bags, draped over Faith's shoulder and they were headed towards Giles' apartment.

Giles was jolted from his tea and a study of Sumerian fiction by a loud banging on his door, "Yo Watcher we need you." And "Giles, really this is important." Sighing with frustration Giles opened his door to find the new and still uncontrolled slayer along with Xander standing at the door, holding what looked to be, "Good lord is that a body?"

"Yeah, kinda the problem, no dust, no goo, just blood. Oh god, what did I do?" Xander muttered as they were quickly ushered inside.

"Xander tell me everything that happened." Giles ordered. Xander told him everything, leaving nothing out; especially not the disappearance of Cordelia.

After hearing everything Giles looked at the body, it appeared to be a woman in her late 30's relatively healthy, pretty, and most definitely human, and very very dead. Xander was in the corner trying hard to not have a panic attack repeating to himself, "glowy eyes, echoy voice, wants Cordy as host, all this equals not human, I did not kill a human."

"I beg to differ Xander, I believe you did infact kill a human, however; " Giles held up his hand to step the flow of protestations, "I believe the human was either possessed or a host for something. This hole at the base of the neck leads me to believe there was something there, so you may have simply killed the host." Xander slumped in relief, but froze at Giles next dry remark. "None of that changes the problem of exactly how we are to dispose of this corpse."

"Carter are we there yet?"

Colonel Carter took a deep breath and responded in the same level tone she had to the last twenty –five times Jack had asked that question, varying only the time. "No Sir, according to the map Sunnydale is still 45 minutes away." Which was about two minutes less than the last time the question had been asked. LAX had dumped them out, the standard government car had been waiting for them, with the traditional no luxuries except AC, not even an FM radio, and so Jack had decide to spend the entire three hour trip playing 'Drive SG-1 Batty.' Daniel had cheated and promptly gone to sleep, Teal'c turned the game around on Jack and seriously answered every single question, so that left Sam as his victim, and as she was driving she could not go to sleep, and since he was a superior officer she could not shoot him; though that idea was sounding better and better.

Sunday afternoon Buffy, Xander, and Willow all looked at Giles worriedly having discussed the situation from every angle, most of them focusing on Xander making a huge, colossal, life ending mistake, but finally agreeing that a normal human would not make host like comments, and that maybe staking was a valid response. Xander still had trouble looking Willow in the eyes. It had been a blasted fluke, now no one would listen to him. Oz was out on tour with the Dingoes so wasn't around at the moment.

Ironic as it sounded, Faith was the only one not worried, her philosophy was simple, see, kill, party. The only issue had been the bad guy, well gal, had been at least partially human, though that part had been disposed of, the question now was where was Cordelia?

“Well at this point all I can suggest is you go to school tomorrow and look for her, if she does not show… well … Xander I assume you know where she lives?” Giles turned to look at Xander who just rolled his eyes Giles.

“Giles, she lives in the Chase mansion, EVERYONE knows where she lives.”

“Oh yes… quite.” Giles slipped off his glasses rubbing them thoughtfully. “Well assuming you are not completely persona non grata, perhaps you and… Faith as your back up could go see her tomorrow if she does not show up at school?”

Faith grinned, “Sure, sounds fun, always wanted to see how the other side of the tracks lived.”

Collectively Buffy, Willow, and Giles winced, and all of them wondered if Faith at the Chases’ was a disaster in the making.

Meanwhile Kvenst was sighing in the luxury of a hot bath with oils, expensive oils, and remarking on her intelligence on not only finding a rich host, though the underage part was slightly annoying, but one with a wealth of information about demons and vampires. Kvenst sank further back in the tub letting the rich smell of jasmine soak into her skin, too bad this culture did not believe in servants, but for now she just wanted off this planet. Rummaging through the memories of this hosts mind she came across information that might be of use, the school librarian had a passport to England, she had a contact there, so perhaps that was who she needed to take as a host. The blending was not complete and wresting information from this strong willed stubborn host was exhausting and frustrating. But first she had some plans to make. Closing her eyes Kvenst sank back in the tub and planned.

Sunday at one thirty in the afternoon Samantha Carter was saved from murdering a superior officer in a government vehicle. Death of said officer was still yet to be determined. “Finally we’re here!” Jack announced with all the glee of a kid arriving at camp, all but jumping out of the car. “Carter, where is the naughty Goa’uld?”

Teal’c arched a brow at her, and Sam wondered if there was a bar somewhere she could get a drink in, really after three hours of Jack’s hyped up energy she needed a drink, dammit she had earned a drink. “The tracking chip indicates this way sir.” Walking down the street in the clothes that all but screamed undercover cop, she and Jack were followed by Daniel and ‘Murray’ who while still standing out, did not scream cop as the two officers did.

Daniel was just amused, Jack was annoyed and seemed determine to make Sam suffer for his having to leave Colorado and fix NID’s mistakes. He was about ready to take bets on how much longer it was going to be before she shot him, and he was going to lie his ass off saying it must have been accidental. That or he was going to sic Teal’c on him any minute, if he could just come up with something truly horrific that Jack would not be able to simply brush off.

“Sir, the readings indicate she is in here.”

“A graveyard, are you sure Carter?’

“Sir I am sure that her tracking device is located in this direction.” Her words were bitten out and Daniel knew she was about at the end of her rope and was considering how nice and quiet Leavenworth would be.

“Hey Jack, have you explained to Teal’c exactly why we Taur’i have graveyards?”

“Indeed Colonel, I would be most interested in understanding why you feel the need to bury your dead loved ones under the ground to slowly rot.”

“Ah.. well um… “ Jack looked a bit trapped as Teal’c wandered around the graveyard looking at the headstones with interest.

“And what exactly is the relevance to all these figures with wings?”

“Okay, no, no I am not getting into religious discussions on this or any mission.” Jack crossed his arms and looked stubborn really wanting someone to intimidate.

“Sir… I think I found her, or at least her host.” Sam was standing over a recent grave complete with a headstone holding the tracking device over it. “It looks like the host was dumped in here, so that means that snake is out, and we don’t have any way to track it.”


“Yes sir that about covers it.”

Teal’c and Daniel shrugged at each other, they knew the drill, go into town, listen in on conversations, try to over hear about someone acting strange or sudden disappearances that weren’t explained. With a shrug Teal’c and Daniel headed to a coffee shop, Sam to a bookstore, and Jack to a local sports bar.

That night found them at the local Holiday Inn with more questions than answers, it was not that they had not over heard people talking about strange things, it was that everyone had been talking about missing people, seeing dead friends, and other things that most people dismiss out of hand. “I didn’t miss a memo and it is October already did I?” Jack asked almost plaintively as they arrived back to their rooms.

“No O’Neill, it is only March,” replied Teal’c gravely.

“Darn, that would have made explaining all the really weird things I heard today much easier if next week was Halloween.” Jack slumped down in the chair putting his feet up on the bed and generally glaring around. All in all this jaunt was becoming more annoying that he had expected. “So far the most useful and strange piece of information I got from just about everyone, was “stay in after dark” and that was it.” He sighed again and started to wonder if there was a hockey game on he could watch this evening.

Daniel and Sam glanced at each other. “Interesting Jack, I think I received that same bit of advice multiple times as did Sam. But I doubt even a Goa’uld could effect that many people with that level of fear of the dark in less than 48 hours.” Remarked Daniel pulling off his boots slowly as his mind worked through the puzzle.

The next morning the four of them dragged themselves to a nearby coffee shop, Sam finally starting to feel a little bit more charitable to her commanding officer, especially after he paid, when they overheard a very interesting conversation.

“I just can’t believe Cordelia showed up wearing last years Prada’s. I mean not even last season, but last year.” Harmony sniped as she got her coffee.

“Totally, and did you see the dress she was wearing it with? She wore that to a dance three months ago, I can’t believe she would just wear it to school.”

“I think hanging with those losers in the library has rotted her brain, then when I remarked on her lack of taste, that wholly glowy eye thing and echoy voice. And the come back, “I should leave you for the worms”, I mean that is not even up to her standards, then she just walks away. I think… maybe… I might even be starting to worry about her.” There were gasps of horror from the other girls as Harmony said this as they waited for their coffee orders.

“Hmph, I just am not sure she is even up to our quality any more. Well she was headed towards the school so we will have to see if she can redeem herself today.”

The SG-1 looked at each other, gathered their coffee and prepared to follow the girls to the school, it sounded like typical Goa’uld, though why they would choose a teenager was beyond them.

Unnoticed Buffy had also heard the remarks, and besides the fact that Cordelia would have to be possessed to wear last years Prada’s, the glowy eyes and echoy voice were exactly how Xander had described it, so it looked like she was going to be hunting down one Ms. Chase.

Daniel was elected to head back and send an update to General Hammond, then follow to the local high school with the car containing a containment unit and restraints if they had the host. So while the rest of the SG-1 team followed the chatty self absorbed high school girls, Buffy took off to grab Faith and then way lay Giles, Xander, and Willow at the library. Once everyone was there she explained what she had overheard.

“Locker, Cordy will head towards her locker so if we head to the hallway where her locker is we might intercept her.” Xander stated this with something approaching authority, and everyone just shrugged and headed out, not having anything to argue with.

Kvenst meanwhile was very frustrated. This host had a strong will and was fighting her tooth and nail, refusing to give up any information once she had figured out how to deny Kvenst what she wanted. The bell had rung and the halls were mostly empty only a few students running to class. Finally Kvenst rather than trying to drag the information out of the host as to where the library was, managed to grab a passing student by the arm, a poor geeky freshman, and demanded, “Where is the library?”

Jason Riley looked up at Cordelia in awe, “You spoke to me, you asked me a question, I am never washing my arm again.” He was blinking in astonishment.

Kvenst was furious, what was wrong these humans? “Where is the library!!!” She demanded again, squeezing his arm.

Jason’s smile became luminous, “You need me. Wow.. you need information from me. My friends will never believe it.”

The hand that had been on his arm moved to his throat and an echoy voice snarled, “If you do not tell me what I want you pathetic worm I will kill you.”

At this point four separate things occurred, Snyder walked around the corner and witnessed one of the richest girls in school threatening a student, Buffy and the gang came around the corner and saw the same thing, SG-1 trying to find the principals office came upon this scene, and Jason’s smile turned into a supernova. “Cordelia Chase made a personal death threat to me, this is AWESOME! No one I know has ever gotten a personal death threat, just the generic ones. You just made my year.”

Kvenst eyes were glowing with rage and she was about to kill the boy when another voice interrupted her ire, one that was just annoying by speaking. “Ms. Chase exactly what do you think you are doing? Get your hands off that freshman and come with me at once!”

Buffy and her group froze watching in horror as the body of Cordy turned to look at Snyder.

“Pathetic human, go away before I destroy you.”

Nostrils flaring with rage, Snyder's hand snaked up, faster than any watching thought he could move, and grabbed the ear of Kvenst’s host hard. “It was not a request!”

He turned dragging the startled Kvenst, who was experiencing an extreme amount of pain for such a simple action, towards his office. "Jason get your rear end to class before I find another reason for a detention!"

Jason nodded and quickly scampered away, still lost in the fact that Cordelia Chase a senior had talked to him to even notice anything else going on.

Giles started to step forward wondering how in the hell he was going to derail Snyder, who showed every sign of being on a rampage, when the other adults in the corridor acted first.

“Excuse me… Sir.. I believe that young lady needs to go with us.” Jack spoke clearly, digging for his badge, really he had one, maybe it was in his back pocket.

“And who exactly are you?” Snyder demanded, looking at the badge the blonde woman handed him while the man was still looking for his. “Air Force? Since when does the Air Force have anything to do with teenagers who don’t know their place?”

“Know their place!” Kvenst all but screeched. The sheer surprise of this little man having the audacity to lay hands on her had rendered her stunned for a few moments, but that statement pulled her out of this.

“Ah fuck…” Jack sighed seeing the hall full of witnesses, two adults and four kids, just what he didn’t need. The urge to zat everyone was growing at an exponential rate, when one of the other people spoke up.

“Principal Snyder, I believe Ms. Chase’s unusual behavior is as a result of exposure to something Air Force would like to keep classified, so if you just leave her here I believe we can resolve this quickly?” Giles stated in his normal way, every ounce of his being trying to be convincing, deal with Snyder first, then these guys. He was sure that if necessary Buffy and Faith could take down all three of them with out too much effort.

Snyder took a deep breath, but then took a good look at the large black man, the very competent seeming woman, and the permanent thorns in his side, namely Buffy Summers, and decided that perhaps letting this one go might be to his benefit.

“If you want to deal with her, fine be my guest.” Snyder released the struggling Kvenst so suddenly she lost her balance and fell backwards into Jack, who caught her in surprise, his attention now on his unexpected rescuers. Snyder stalked off muttering things about students not knowing their place and wondering how to turn this to his advantage.

Buffy and Faith both stepped forward menacingly, while Willow and Xander flanked Giles all with uncompromising looks on their faces.

Sam and Teal’c mimicked their actions.

“So… “ Jack drawled, restraining the struggling Kvenst without too much difficulty, “To what do I owe the honor of a rescue?”

“Well see.. the girl you have there, she’s a friend of ours, and we would really like her back.” Buffy smiled tilting her head.

Sam’s eyes narrowed, kids this young should be intimidated by three obviously profession military adults, and they were not phased. Why?

“Oh… well.. umm.. we need to take her with us, in order to um…” Jack trailed off not able to come up with a viable reason for them to take a 16 year girl with them.

“Yeah that is what I thought.. so since you seem to know what is making her act even bitchier than normal, why don’t you share your information, help us get rid of or fix it, then we all go our separate ways, with Cordy staying here.”

“Oh hell no, I know who these guys are, and I have no desire to go with them.” Kvenst started to fight in earnest, and Jack actually had to concentrate on holding her down, the teenager was in darn good shape, for a kid. And had way too many curves pressed against body parts that under age girls really shouldn’t be touching.

Faith sighed and took control of the situation, “Sorry Charlie, she stays.” The name caught Jack off guard, and Faith took full advantage of it, pulling Cordy away, and a sharp fast right hook dropped her to the ground.

“Hey that’s my… um.. ex-girlfriend.” Xander had started off all righteous, but trailed near the end, looking at the now limp body laying on the ground.

“You take fly boy B, Red – Blondie is all yours, me.. I get tall and chocolate.” Faith tossed as she moved.

“Hey since when does she give orders?” muttered Buffy as she moved towards Jack.

Jack was still trying to figure out how he had lost the situation quite so quickly, but he was never slow on the draw. “Teal’c take care of the brunette, I’ve got the Blonde, Carter secure the prisoner.”

Teal’c fell into a fighting stance watching Faith warily she was moving too easily and had a smile of a warrior that he had rarely see on Taur’i females faces.

Sam started to move towards the people standing there facing them, one older man, a tiny red head, and a brunette male who obviously didn't have a problem with strong women. But she couldn't move, literally it was like her feet were glued to the floor. The red head just smiled at her as Sam struggled uselessly to move from where she stood.

"Now look girlie I don't want to hurt you, so why don't you just let us handle this, okay?" Jack offered trying to placate the little blonde stalking towards him.

"Nope.. sorry don't see that happening, so how about some explaining and we don't hurt you too much."

"What, are you nuts girl?" Jack started to say more, but the sweep of a leg wiping his legs out from underneath him, and then the landing on the ground coupled with the foot now at his throat completely distracted him. "Umm… on second thought.. maybe we should talk."

Faith was having a blast in the early moves of fighting with Teal'c, both of them testing the other, and grinning the entire time. They both heard Jack's comment and both sighed stepping back. "Do we have to? Really… I like this guy.. can I keep him, or at least test out his skills in bed for a few hours?"

Sam blinked, Jack choked and the Scoobies as a whole replied, "No!"

"Damn Chocolate… they won't let me have no fun."

Teal'c nodded, "So I see."

Jack coughed, "Um… over here… discussion… can I get up?"

Buffy cast a glance at Giles who had been idly watching them easily take out the three. He nodded. "Sure… now what is going on?"

"We can't tell you it's classified." Sam spoke first, noticing she still could not move and ready to snarl in frustration.

"Well then I guess the three of you are going to be here for a while, because you aren't leaving with Cordy." Xander was up and moving towards them, anger and frustration clear on his face.

Kvenst had regained consciousness, but had not moved, letting everyone think she was still knocked out. She had watched the dark haired one move and wanted that body, with that body she could take out the interfering humans and maybe get off this infernal planet. She had not had time to full blend with this host, which is why it could still withhold information, so here was a chance to get out. Kvenst slipped out of the host body and while the humans were arguing moved quickly to implant the dark one before anyone noticed.

Faith had bent over to check on Cordy, her heartbeat had stayed so flat, when she felt a prick at her neck. Hand moving with Slayer speed it wiped up and grabbed a thing, a slippery, snake like thing. She brought it forward looking at it.

"I don't care, it can be classified shmassified, ya ain't leaving with her, so you might as well spill."

Jack and Sam were mutinously silent, and Teal'c was watching with a mixture of amusement and astonishment.

"Hey up guys, is this what you're looking for?" Faith held up the worm wriggling desperately in her hand.

Two jaws dropped open and an eyebrow raised. "Umm… yeah.. how did you?" Jack asked slowly.

She shrugged, "Think it tried to bite me or something, but I grabbed it first."

Buffy wrinkled her nose, "Ewww… What is it?" Two mouths opened to answer her and she rolled her eyes, "I know, I know, it's classified. Giles is it you know… "

Giles had been staring at the Goa'uld intently but slowly shook his head, "It is like nothing I have seen… so I would say no. If Cordy is all right I would say let them have it and get out of here."

You could almost see the two officers sag in relief, then all eyes turned to Cordelia. Xander moved over to her. "Cordy, you alright?" Shaking her shoulder gently.

A soft whimper then a mutter, "I thought I told you to never touch me again, Harris!" as she pushed her self up standing slowly rubbing her jaw. "That hurt, but this time you're allowed," she said to Faith with a brief nod. She looked around, then down at herself and let out a shriek. The SG-1 jumped startled, looking for blood or something. "She walked out in this?!?! These are last years!!! Oh my god… and the bath oils. And that freshmen NERD! That bitch." Rage filled her eyes as she stalked over to the still struggling Goa'uld.

Jack and Teal'c both took a step back as an enraged Cordelia got right in the Goa'uld's face, and Sam rather wished she could also.

"You used up half a bottle of my mothers imported Jasmine oil at $50 an ounce, 5 OUNCES!!! Then you dress up in this and you come out in public, in a designer Hilfiger that I wore to the winter ball mixed with last season Prada!!!! Then you conversed with a FRESHMAN and you TOUCHED HIM with MY BODY!!!" The last words were a shriek of sheer rage that even had Faith's eyes widening a bit and leaning back.

Cordy turned to the officers eyes still lethal "Get that alien piece of shit out of here before I put it in a blender and set it on high. I now I have to go take $2500 out of my CD's to replace oil and buy a new wardrobe to live down the mess you just caused. I swear if I ever see any of you again you will live to regret it!"

With that she stalked out of the school leaving a pale SG-1, a smiling Xander, an impressed Faith, and a vastly amused Buffy, Giles, and Willow. "Now that's my Cordy. She is fine, you can let these dweebs get out of here for all I care."

Sam spoke up. "You mean that is her normal behavior?"

Xander laughed still with a goofy grin, "You should see her if she really gets mad, she is just royally pissed at the moment, wait until she runs into Harmony tomorrow. Now that will be fun."

Buffy snickered. "Fine take your worm and go… just remember, my town, my rules."

For a second Jack actually took that to heart and then blinked, what was he thinking. "Sure okay… Carter you grab the G… thing, Daniel should be here any minute with the containment unit."

Sam found she could move and slowly went taking the wriggling Goa'uld from Faith. "So you guys sure I can't test out Chocolate's moves there? I am sure he would enjoy." She called as they headed to the parking lot.

"Indeed O'Neill I quite believe she may be most skilled in that arena, are you sure I can't… accept her offer."


The three headed quickly to the parking lot, where Daniel had just pulled in, who was more than a bit surprised to see the three of them with a Goa'uld moving towards the car. Carter popped the trunk, dropped it in the unit, then the three of the slid into the car.

"Daniel, " Sam said in a very serious voice "You are to drive us to LAX, ignore everything Jack says, and you will not ask any questions about what happened until AFTER I have had at least three drinks. If you do not, I will shoot you. Understand?"

Slow blink, "Yes ma'am." Daniel drove and they were gone.

The End

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