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No Room

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Summary: Another day at Princeton Plains, another patient for House to figure out. Only this coma victim has no heartbeat, no breathing, two fangs and a distinct allergy to direct sunlight. If only there were some kind of specialists...

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > House, M.D. > GeneralBoosterFR1519930173,44418 Jun 0718 Jun 07No
Title: No Room
Rating: 15
Setting: Post-'Chosen', and late season 3 for the House mob.
Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with House or the Buffyverse.

Summary: Another day at Princeton Plains, another patient for House to figure out. Only this coma victim has no heartbeat, no breathing, two fangs and a distinct allergy to direct sunlight. If only there were some kind of specialists...

~ + ~

"Lisa Sandown," said Wilson sternly, looking directly at House. Unfortunately, Dr Gregory House, MD was busy raiding Wilson's donuts and paying him absolutely no attention.

"Mmmph?" House repeated, mouth full of chocolate covered donut, attempting to look vaguely interested.

"You do remember the nurse you made cry only yesterday, don't you?" inquired Wilson, pulling the donut box back across the desk rapidly. "There's only one left!"

House smirked. "Obviously you've been eating way too many donuts if you can't move fast enough to stop a man with only one good leg from reaching them first. I just did you a favour." He made another dart towards the remaining donut, but Wilson quickly nipped the lid down on his fingers.

"Lisa Sandown," repeated Wilson, "Apologise to her."

House shrugged. "What? Girl should be a lot tougher if she works in a place like this - and it wasn't as though I knew her fiance had died recently. He was a soldier. It was a matter of odds catching up with him."

Wilson sighed and felt a headache coming on. "House? I told you about that last week."

House blinked, looked thoughtful and twiddled his cane around in one hand for a moment. "You did? What was I doing?"

"Taking Viccodin and avoiding Cuddy."

"That could be any day! You're supposed to be narrowing it down," snapped House. He shook his nearly empty pill bottle, and made a note to annoy Wilson about it later.

Wilson massaged his temples. Yup, definite headache. How the hell did Cuddy manage to deal with him on this level day in, day out? "Your patient with the infection that almost destroyed the MRI. Again."

"Oh! Tuesday! Huh. Coming up blank here. You sure you told me then?" mused House.

"Apologise to her, House - or I double your clinic hours this week."

House rocketed upright in his chair. "Wait - just because Cuddy's got you sitting in for her while she's on holiday, doesn't mean you can do that," he said quickly, and eyed Wilson carefully. Wilson smiled, and produced a sheet of paper from the drawer beside him.

Dear House, it read, Wilson is in charge of setting your clinic duties this week, though I still reserve the right to triple them next week if I find you've talked him into or out of anything.
Lisa Cuddy


Wilson sat back in Cuddy's office chair and made a note to get one of them for himself. Now was a good time as any to start smirking himself. "So, about that apology?"

House eyed him suspiciously, then the paper again. "It's copy one of five before you get any ideas about destroying it," said Wilson mildly.

"Never even crossed my mind," lied House. "Honestly Wilson, I am shocked, shocked! at this affront to our beautiful friendship. Here we are, united in our fellow loathing of authority and love of donuts, and now you're assuming authority over me." He shoke his head sadly, "How power corrupts indeed."

"You ate my donuts, House. Get down to the clinic and start helping people."

House rose to his feet, with a sad, hangdog expression on his face. He sniffed sadly and made as if to rub a tear from his eye. "Alas, that our friendship should be torn apart by a woman."

Wilson pointed out of the doorway. "Clinic's there, patients over there."

House limped over to the door, and looked back at Wilson. "Cuddy would be proud of you. Traitor!!" and disappeared out the door. Five seconds later he popped his head back inside, and asked "Lunch tomorrow?"

Wilson rolled his eyes, nodded and returned to the paperwork he was dealing with. It took him another five minutes before he realised that somehow House had managed to steal the last donut on his way out.

No wonder no-one else had wanted to cover Cuddy's job while she was away.

About half an hour later, just as he was starting to make headway into Cuddy’s paperwork, there was a knock on the door. He looked up and recognised Dr Alice Kwan, newly started and currently in charge of the emergency admission room. “Got a problem for you,” she said cheerfully, entering the room and offering him a file.

Wilson looked at the file cautiously, but made no move to take it – he’d been caught out by House enough times over the years to fall for actually looking at things. “What sort of problem?” he said warily, “An oncology type Dr Wilson problem, or a general hospital Cuddy type problem?”

Dr Kwan pursed her lips in apparent thought, “Mmmm… I’d say it’s more of a House type problem for you.”

Wilson’s reply was short, Anglo-Saxon and to the point. Reluctantly, he took the file and opened it. “I see,” he mused. “White female, approx 18 or so, in a coma but still breathing, no visible brain activity…”

He glanced up at Dr Kwan, startled. “No pulse? No heartbeat? That’s… that’s basic 101 medicine. You cannot get those tests wrong.”

Dr Kwan nodded, now suddenly a lot grimmer than before. “Keep reading. Jane Doe there was brought in at night after collapsing outside on the grounds, but it wasn’t until next morning that the really odd stuff happened.”

Wilson flipped through the paperwork and stared. “Extreme sensitivity to light, specifically direct sunlight?!?”

“Her arm burst into flames. Thankfully, we had some quick thinking nurses around. Did I mention one of them is Catholic and always wears a cross? ”

Wilson looked up at Dr Kwan and felt the headache coming back in full force. This certainly was the odd kind of case that intrigued House, but it couldn’t be what it looked like, right? “Please tell me you’re not suggesting what I think you’re suggesting,” he said quietly.

Kwan nodded slowly. “I think we have a vampire in the hospital. Do you want to tell House or shall I?”

The End?

You have reached the end of "No Room" – so far. This story is incomplete and the last chapter was posted on 18 Jun 07.

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