Story Notes: inspired by the Barb Cummings tag line
“Spike’s troubled. He needs desserts.” – Lilo the Vampire Slayer
Disclaimer: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel the Series, and all associated characters are property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, United Paramount Network, and Fox Television. Lilo and Stitch and all associated characters are property of Chris Sanders and Walt Disney. This work is not for profit, and no ownership of aforementioned copyrighted material implied, nor any infringement intended.
* * *
Lilo walked across the living room, focused on the door. The sandwich in her hands was only slightly mushed and she was proud of the result. Nani was working until late, so Lilo shrieked and dropped the sandwich when a voice called her name.
“Spike! Don’t scare me like that!”
The blond vampire stared at the little Slayer and her cargo. “And where are you going with the sandwich?”
“It’s for Pudge.”
“Who’s that, luv?”
“Pudge is a fish.”
“And you’re taking him a sandwich...why?”
“Because. He. Controls. The. Weather.” Lilo explained as if the blond vampire was slow.
“Hmmm.” Spike patted his clothes for a pack of cigarettes while his mind grappled with the Hawaiian Slayer’s statement.
“Besides,” Lilo continued, “it’s daytime. Shouldn’t you be asleep in your coffin?”
“Ha bloody ha.” Spike finally produced a cigarette and set about looking for a match.
“You know you can’t smoke inside, Spike.”
“Alright, let’s start over. You make PB and J for Pudge. Can’t you just give him a can of ol’ Charlie what’s his face? From the telly?”
“I can’t give him TUNA! That’s CANNIBALISM!”
Spike finally produced a match and lit his cigarette. “Hey now, luv. Maybe he’s a vampire fish and will enjoy feeding off his recently-living cousins.”
There was a disconcertingly long silence while Lilo pondered that thought. “There’s no such thing as vampire fish, Spike. Is there? Because now that you mention it he does give me a weird feeling when he comes around.”
“How long you been feedin’ this bloke?” The vampire punctuated his sentence with a nearly perfect smoke ring send towards the ceiling.
“Since before you came.”
“Since you were Called?”
“And he told you he controls the weather?”
“He made it storm.”
“I think we need to have a talk with ol’ Pudge this evening.”
* * *
“Pudge?” Lilo sounded worried. She stood on the beach near the water, a gym bag of weapons resting on the sand next to her brown toes.
The creature which swam up to the beach was definitely NOT a fish. “Oh bollocks,” the blond vampire muttered.
The green-scaled creature stood in the surf up to its waist. It had a mouthful of shark-like teeth, and peered at Lilo, then at Spike. “Half-breed child of Manua,” the monster sneered at the vampire, “why do you trouble me?”
“Listen, mate, just came down to see what you were doing here in the islands.”
“Find your own Slayer to offer you tribute.”
Spike turned from the creature to look at Lilo with an arched eyebrow. “Tribute?”
“Uh-oh.” Lilo gulped.
“Her worship has made me powerful. I, Pudgu, son of Pakaʻa the Wind and Nāmaka the sea, claim the tribute of this warrior maiden as my own.”
“See here, Poogoo—“ Spike began.
“Pudge, whatever—Slayers don’t pay tribute to any demons. Lilo was just bein' friendly. Now are you gonna shove off like a nice demon, or are we gonna have to play rough?”
“I am a god, no mere demon. My power has increased. Soon, I shall challenge Lono for sovereignty over all the wind and rain.”
“Well, everyone needs goals, I guess.”
At Lilo’s warning the vampire glanced at the sky. Dark clouds started to gather, blocking out some of the moonlight. The wind was noticeably stronger than when they arrived at the beach, as well. “Oh, bloody hell.” Spike stepped out into the rising surf to meet Pudge.
Lilo rooted through the gym bag, chanting “lei-o-mano, lei-o-mano” as she rummaged for her favorite weapon, the shark-toothed club. Unable to find it, she came up with her newa. Lilo hefted the q-shaped wooden club and ran towards where Spike and Pudge were trading blows.
Lilo could see the tatter of Spike’s shirt where Pudge had slashed him with razor claws, his blood black in the moonlight. A roundhouse from the vampire send the aquatic demon sprawling in Lilo’s direction. Timing it perfectly, she stepped in and swung down and around like a little Hawaiian golfer. Only to have Pudge catch her wrist.
“Traitorous human,” he growled. Lilo screamed as Pudge twisted her wrist until she dropped the newa. The monster’s backhand blow caught the girl full across the side of the head, and she cartwheeled through the surf.
Ringing. Gold flashes of light. Pain. ow. Ow. “OW—“
When Lilo opened her mouth sand and saltwater rushed in, stifling her cry. She felt as much as heard Spike’s roar as the enraged vampire launched himself at Pudge. Lilo opened her eyes, amazed to find herself next to her partially-submerged gym bag. She grasped her lei-o-mano and waded back towards the struggle.
“Don’t” SMACK “hurt” SMACK “my friend!” Lilo whaled on Pudge with the flat of the weapon, afraid to cut him while he grappled with the vampire. Finally the monster fell forward on top of Spike, offering the Slayer a vital target.
With a mighty effort Lilo brought the shark-toothed edge of the war club down on the back of Pudge’s neck. She remembered to pull as the blade hit, so it sawed deeply into the creature's scaled body. Yellow blood gushed from the fatal blow.
“C’mon Slayer, get this pillock off me.” Spike’s muffled voice came from under the tangle of limbs and fishy-smelling blood.
* * *
Nani stood, arms crossed and a menacing scowl on her face. “And WHERE have you two been?”
“Nani, Nani, I slayed Pudge!” Lilo was so excited she caromed off the opened door and into the living room. Spike followed the Slayer at a slightly more sedate pace.
“She slew the bastard, right enough.”
“Hmph,” commented Nani, who stood still, contemplating the pair. Hard to believe that a chain smoking ADHD vampire made such a great babysitter....teacher...No, friend, for her little sister. The two friends continued on into the kitchen, and their voices filling the small house.
“Oi, who’s up for hot chocolate?”
“Can we have the colored marshmallows, Spike?”
“You bet, luv. Did I ever tell you about how Buffy’s little sis thought they were monkey brains?”
References:Intro to Lua More LuaLilo and Stitch movie script Hawaiian mythology