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Not In A Literal Sense

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This story is No. 3 in the series "Boy Meets Girl". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Xander's luck in women strikes again when a strange woman shows up at the high school - looking for brains. Rated for language.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Television > PretenderDuctileFR1311,149174,1376 Jul 076 Jul 07Yes
Not In A Literal Sense

Disclaimer: I own neither BtVS nor The Pretender.

AN: I've had a few reviews stating that I should change my stories to actual action, rather than simple dialogue. This, then, is the first in this series written in that fashion. I hope you all like it.

Only in Sunnydale.

Only on the Hellmouth.

Only to Xander.

It was a beautiful spring morning in Hell. The birds were chirping, the squirrels were scurrying about their business, the sun was shining, and the new computer teacher had already set homework. The students of Hell, or Sunnydale High School, were all abuzz.

“Well, I think he’s a perfect dream,” Cordelia Chase announced to her ‘sheep’. “His outfit was perfectly coordinated, and his shoes were obviously of the best workmanship available. Definitely a good catch. By the end of today, I will have him eating out of my hand.” The other teenage girls giggled eagerly as they hurried through the school halls.

Xander, Willow and Buffy watched the herd of mindless cheerleaders go by. “Well, the sheep are on the move again,” the teenage boy remarked cheerfully. “Do you think they were all born with no brains, or do you think Cordelia leeched their intelligence away with her very presence?”

Willow giggled slightly. “I think it might be Cordelia, Xander. Do you remember in third grade when she had the school bully eating out of her hand and following her around like a sick puppy?”

“Ah, yes, Bruno the Bully, the only third grader to weigh almost two hundred pounds,” Xander spoke in not-so-fond reminiscence. “He always stole my chocolate milk on Tuesdays. I promised that one day I would get him back for that.”

“Have you?” Buffy grinned up at him.

“Nah,” the teenager answered cheerfully. “But I rejoiced with great rejoicing when he dropped out of sixth grade after he got arrested for DUI. I laughed my ass off when he got pulled over right in front of the school during lunch hour.” Both girls laughed at the thought. Just as they turned a corner, an imperious voice rang down the hall.

“Get the hell out of my way!” Buffy’s eyebrows rose at the sight before them. Two men and a woman came barging through the high school, the two males scurrying to keep up with the woman. The woman was tall, made even taller by her heels, and the tight skirt suit she was wearing drew the eyes of every red-blooded male in the hall. “Where do I find anyone with brains around here?!”

“Heh,” Xander remarked under his breath, “It’s a high school. If she wanted brains, she came to the wrong place.” He blanched suddenly and straightened. “Unless you think she meant that literally.”


Larry the football player straightened lazily from his slouch against the wall. “Yeah, lady? You want something?” he leered at her eagerly, adjusting his jacket. The woman stared at the jock with a calculating expression.

“All brawn and no brains,” she spoke contemptuously, looking the blond up and down. “You probably can’t think about anything that doesn’t involve what’s in your pants.” Xander couldn’t help himself; he laughed. The woman’s hard eyes turned in his direction, and he gulped in apprehension. “What are you laughing at, you Wal-Mart reject?” The dark-haired teenager flushed.

“Miss Parker, we need to hurry,” the elder of the two men spoke up quietly. “Jarod will not need much warning before he runs again.”

The woman, Miss Parker, sighed and looked Xander over. “I suppose you’ll have to do.” She grabbed him by the arm and began dragging him down the hall.

“Hey, let go of him!” Buffy grabbed the woman’s arm. Miss Parker stopped in her tracks, and the two females faced off. Xander and the two men took a wary step back, some primal instinct telling them not to interfere in this catfight.

“Do you really think that I have time to argue with some dumb little valley girl blond over her stupid little boyfriend?” Buffy opened her mouth to protest, but Miss Parker glared her silent. “Now get the hell out of my way before I loose my temper and start shooting high school students.” Buffy’s mouth slammed shut before the woman’s utter vitriol, and slowly stepped away.

The woman nodded sharply, then grabbed hold of Xander again. “Take me to Jarod Miller’s classroom, now, you idiot.” Xander began to protest, then decided to obey, having suddenly noticed the bulge in the woman’s jacket. That threat about shooting students had evidently not been a bluff.

“The new computer teacher?” Cordelia’s voice rang through the hall, and everyone with acute hearing winced in pain. “I don’t think so,” the cheerleader strode up to the group, her nose high. “I claimed him, I get him, and no one is taking him away from me.”

“And if I hated him just a little bit more than I do, I would leave him for you,” Miss Parker said nastily. “As it is, I don’t really give a damn what some spoiled little rich girl wants.” The younger, balding man behind her choked down a laugh.

“You,” the woman barked, yanking on Xander’s arm. “Get me to that classroom, now, before I get pissed. Now.” Xander winced under the feel of sharp fingernails, and meekly led the way, all the while thinking Why me? Why is it always me who attracts the demon-ladies? When they finally reached the computer lab, Xander collapsed in relief on a chair as the woman cursed a blue streak upon surveying the empty room.

“Damn it! Where did he go, Sydney? Broots, how did he get away without going past us?” The woman’s hand crept closer to her gun, and Xander took the opportunity to sneak out of the room. “Damn it! Where did the kid go?”

Xander fled to the first place of refuge he thought of: the library. “Giles! Giles, there’s a demon in the school!” He skidded to a stop as he caught sight of the Watcher standing behind the counter. “G-man! There’s this demon woman in the computer lab, and she’s got a gun! You know, I didn’t think that demons carried guns. Is it just a chick thing, cause this is the second time this has happened here since career day. And did I mention the demon lady in the school?” he pointed out the door for good measure.

“Yes,” Giles spoke tiredly. “Repeatedly. As for the demon lady, Xander,” the Watcher paused, took off his glasses and wiped them. “If it is the same woman who was in here just a few moments ago, I do not believe she was a demon in the, ah, literal sense.”

Xander stopped in thought. “So, you’re saying that it’s possible for a human woman to face down both Buffy and a man-hungry Cordelia?”

“Did she?” the Watcher looked slightly worried. “Oh, dear, perhaps there is a possibility of demonic origin, after all.” The two males stared at each other in apprehension.

“Research?” Xander questioned.

“Quite,” Giles nodded in agreement, and both men moved to the books.

The End

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