Either Demons Or Taken
Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS fanverse or the Mummy fanverse
Only in Sunnydale.
Only on the Hellmouth.
Only to Xander.
His date had been going so well, right up until the tall, dark young woman he had been taking out to dinner showed him the highly poisonous snake she had wrapped around her arm. After that, Xander had felt obliged to act as her hostage, taking her directly into the Sunnydale Museum, where a shipment had just arrived from Egypt. After a long, complicated ritual that involved what was apparently the Book of the Dead, Xander was mildly horrified to watch an old, rotting mummy rise from a sarcophagus and move to greet his, ah, date.
“Ank-Su-Namun” the corpse spoke with what might possibly be termed love in his voice. Xander watched in growing horror as his date, a young woman he had only half an hour previously been locking lips with, eagerly accepted the caresses of the decaying remains of what had once been human.
Suddenly realizing that no one was paying him any attention, the young man fled the room, intent in calling Giles for backup. Before he could get far, however, Xander ran straight into a very muscular, very intimidating, and very foreign looking man holding a sword.
“Ah, crap,” he muttered to himself. “This is so not a good time for this.” Just when he was readying himself for his favored ‘dodge-and-flee’ tactics, a shout rang out, startling them both.
“Ardeth! We found it!” Both men turned to see three people, a man, a woman and a boy, hurrying in their direction. “The sarcophagus was placed in the Assyrian section until it could be unpacked and put into the Egyptian section. It’s only just down the hall!” It was the woman who had spoken, holding up a map of the museum. “I have the Book of Amun-Ra right here, so we can go now.” She stopped short at seeing Xander. “Who is this?”
“Hi,” Xander waved briefly. “I’m just an idle passerby, and I was just going.” He hesitated. “You have the Book of Amun-Ra?” he asked suddenly, his eyes going to the wrapped book-shaped object that the boy was carrying. “So…it would stop something that the Book of the Dead woke up?”
“Yes,” the dark-haired woman said, pleased. “How did you know?”
“Oh, I just watched my date raise the big mummy guy back there a second ago,” he pointed behind himself with a thumb. “So…you’re the good guys.”
“Would the bad guys bring me along?” the blond boy asked frankly. “I’m way
too much to trouble to just haul along if you didn’t have to.”
“Isn’t that the truth,” the blond man said, rolling his eyes when the woman hit him. “Which way?”
Xander considered waiting to get Giles and Buffy as backup, but it seemed as though this group knew what they were doing. “Follow me.” He led the three adults and boy back into the room where the mummy had been, then stopped still in horror.
“Oh, gross,” behind him, the boy made gagging noises. Xander felt like making them himself.
Mummy-guy and his former date were locking lips…well, the mummy didn’t really have lips, and could he just say how much he did not want to be watching this?
“OK that’s it!” Xander threw up his hands in utter disgust. The mummy and his girlfriend split up at the shout and glared at him, but the young man hardly cared. “I mean, come on! Look at this, the rotting corpse is getting it on with my date, my date
!! Why does this always happen to me
?! Oh, right, ‘cause I’m the demon-magnet! I express interest in a girl, and what happens? It turns out she’s a demon, or a mummy-girl, or a vampire, or someone who raises dead people so she can lock lips with them! What the hell is wrong with me?!?
Xander barely took notice of what happened around him as he ranted on, completely missing the mummy being defeated and the dark woman with the snake escaping just past him. Finally, he heaved a deep breath and looked around the room. It was, as was to be expected, in complete shambles, but no one looked injured or dead. The dark-haired woman who had read from the Book of Amun-Ra approached him.
“Are you alright?”
“Oh, I’m just peachy,” Xander groaned. “I just had my luck with women confirmed for me, and I realized just how FUBAR it really is.” He cast the woman a side-long glance. “I don’t suppose you want to try and help me change my luck?” Both of them froze for a second. “OK, can we both just pretend I didn’t say that? That was such a bad come-on line, even I think it’s bad.”
The woman smiled apologetically. “I am terribly
sorry, but,” she paused and gestured back to the blond man and the boy.
“Married with a kid,” Xander nodded in acknowledgement. “All the good ones are either demons or taken.” He halted, a twisted expression on his face. “You know what I mean. Ah, I’m Xander, by the way. I just thought I should introduce myself now that I’ve come on to you. If any of you guys need me, I’ll be nursing my pride in a corner.”
“It’s really too awful for him,” the dark-haired young woman spoke regretfully in a British accent, eyeing the young man who was sitting dejectedly on the lid of a sarcophagus. “I do wish I could help him.”
“Yeah, well, I feel bad for him too, but he’s going to have to find his own girl,” the woman’s husband said with a ‘them’s the breaks’ shrug of the shoulders.
“Yes, well, I’m not proposing that he have me
,” the woman said with a mild glare to her husband. “I just wish I could help him find someone of his own to love,” she smiled up at her husband, “To cherish.”
“To drive him absolutely, barking mad,” the man finished his wife’s sentence, gathering her close. “Come on, Evy, you can’t go matchmaking in a town you’ve never been in, with a kid you’ve never met before today.”
“Oh, but, Rick,” the archaeologist’s wife pouted up at him.
“No,” Rick said pointedly. “Every time you get it in your little head for some new scheme, we end up running for our lives from who knows what.”
“He is right, Mum,” a young blond boy looked up from an old tome he had just picked up.
“As though you are any better, Alex,” his mother teased him. “I seem to recall a bracelet…”
cheating,” Evelyn O’ Connell’s son protested. “I wasn’t there for half
the things you did that got you and Dad into trouble!”
“I’m sure that if you wait, Alex, we will manage to find some more,” Evy said wryly, then returned to her previous subject. “But, Rick, couldn’t I at least-”
AN: And so it ends. I don't know if I will be adding more stories in this series, mostly because I'm out of ideas. If you want to see another story in here, just leave me with a note saying what fandom, and what character you want Xander to collide with.