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Define Your Terms

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Summary: Everybody knows how to kill vampires, right?

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Movies > Army of DarknessvitruvianFR131344071,64315 Jul 0715 Jul 07Yes
Disclaimer: All characters used in the story below belong to their respective copyright and/or trademark holders. No infringement nor profit is intended by their use.

Two dark-haired men stood back to back in the camping goods aisle, fending off the attacks of a small pack of vampires. The one with the eye patch was using whatever camping equipment seemed handy to knock the monsters back and set them up for a stake to the heart. The taller one with the metal prosthetic for a right hand alternately gave them both barrels of the sawed-off Remington 12 gauge he'd pulled from behind the counter and dubbed his 'boomstick', and clubbed them with the weapon's stock. Unfortunately, neither of these tactics seemed to put the monsters down for good, and getting a clean shot to the heart was more difficult than it seemed.

"Vampires, huh?" said the store clerk over his shoulder. "So, tell me, kid, are stakes to the heart the only way to kill these guys, or is there something else I should be trying here?"

"That's the old standby, but fire, sunlight, and decapitation are also good," replied Xander. "Bullets don't work, they're more likely just to annoy them."

Decapitation? Ash looked longingly towards the next aisle, where S-Mart carried chainsaws, but the chances of them being able to get through the pack and over there... then a thought occurred to him.

The next vampire to charge Ash Williams with bared fangs got two barrels of boomstick shoved into its mouth, till the muzzles touched the back of its throat. The monster's golden eyes crossed comically to look down at the blued steel.

"Decapitation, right? Does turning one's head into a fine red mist count?" Not waiting for a reply, he shot off both barrels, the close-quarter blasts splattering the vampire's skull and not-so-neatly severing the head at neck level. A moment later, the resulting gore, along with the rest of the vampire, was dust.

"Huh," said Xander. "I guess you learn something new every day. Wish I'd known about this back in the 'Dale."

Ash pumped his boomstick, pausing to utter only one word before targeting his next vamp.

"Groovy," said he.

The End

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