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5 Gods Who Never Needed A Key

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This story is No. 6 in the series "Nope, Never Gonna Happen.". You may wish to read the series introduction and the preceeding stories first.

Summary: Glory needed to go home, but what about some other (semi) omnipotent beings who for whatever reason might need a glowing ball of green energy or a mouthy brunette with powerful potential? (Now with bonus ARES chapter!)

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Multiple Crossings > Dawn-Centered > Ficlet CollectionsamusewithaviewFR1363,95904819,29818 Jul 079 Oct 07Yes

The Key To Meddling...

Disclaimer: I own neither BtVS nor any of the crossovers utilized in the next ten chapters.

Crossing: Xena/Hercules

For the incomparable vinniebatman!

God/Goddess: Aphrodite


One minute she was comfortably researching the latest apocalypse, and the next her world had dissolved into a mass of fluffy white clouds. She glanced around then down to receive disturbing glimpses of what looked like the earth many miles below.

The soft sound of someone snickering brought Dawn's head up and around, face-to-face with a vision in pink. The woman was tall, blonde and gorgeous, draped in some flowing garment of what looked like silk.

"What the hell?"

The woman looked her up and down again, and Dawn shifted uncomfortably under the scrutiny. She had had the library to herself all day and as such had been dressed to beat the heat wave that had lately swept through much of the Midwest in what she dubbed her 'comfortable' research clothes: namely a pair of Connor's boxers (stolen), and a small tank-top.

"Oh, you'll do."

Dawn was starting to get annoyed, and a little scared, but annoyed was better and angry was best so her next words were almost a growl, "I'll do what?"

"What's your name?" The blonde asked curiously, "Not that it matters really, but…"

"Where the heck am I, who the heck are you, and what on earth is going on?"

She promptly started snickering again - Dawn could grow to hate that sound - and started to pace around in a broad circle, forcing the brunette to turn as well to keep the blonde woman in sight.

"You're not on earth, you're on Olympus. I am Aphrodite, and I need you to help me keep that big lug Ares out of my plans for a while." She pouted, "He's always messing everything up with that stupid obsession with Xena, so I decided that if I gave him someone else to chase…" She trailed off with a pointed look at Dawn, "With someone else to occupy him, I'm free to do as I will!"

Dawn snorted, "You want me to distract the Greek god of War, and I'm supposed to do this how exactly?"

The look Aphrodite shot her was one of patent disbelief, "With your feminine charms of course! I know what Ares looks for in a girl," she frowned thoughtfully, "Or at least I know what he likes about Xena." She started ticking off qualities on her fingers, "Smart, strong, independent, powerful, beautiful, would make a good warrior queen… I don't think I'm forgetting anything."

It was the brunette's turn to be disbelieving, "You're insane, freakin' nuts, and when my friends track me down -"

"Oh they won't be able to silly. I'm a goddess in this realm, not even your little super-Wicca can help you," Aphrodite smiled. "Well, I think I'll send you off to Ares now, have fun!"

Dawn watched in horror as pink cloud-tendrils wrapped themselves around her before she could so much as flinch. The last thing she saw before everything became a pink blur was the goddess's smiling face as she waved goodbye.

When the clouds at last dissipated the brunette refused to open her eyes. "Maybe this is all a really bad nightmare, maybe Wills is playing a prank on me, maybe the latest apocalypse got to be a little too much and I'm sitting in a nice padded room…" The last option was a distinct possibility, she could feel quite a lot of padding beneath her fingertips.

She opened her eyes and gasped, the bitch had dropped her onto a freakin' bed! Glancing around she added to her previous thought, this was the bed of somebody with a leather fetish, or maybe some other fetishes she didn't want to think about.

The sheets were black and silky, the headboard was wrapped in what looked like black suede, looking around she could see that dead animal skins were a distinct factor in the decorating scheme.

Dawn wriggled a bit to the edge of the bed, and tried to stand, only to find that her feet were bound together by the last of the pink-cloud-stuff. "Bitch," she muttered under her breath, "At least she didn't do my hands."

Leaning down, she attempted to remove the wispy ties, but only succeeded in getting a tendril wrapped around her hand, it quickly spread to her other hand leaving her trussed on the edge of the bed of a god of war who she was supposed to distract.

"My life sucks."


A/N: How much do you hate me right now for leaving off there?
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