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Snake Charming

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Summary: Nobody tells Cordelia Chase what to do with her life. Not even the alien snake that wrapped itself around her spinal cord.

Categories Author Rating Chapters Words Recs Reviews Hits Published Updated Complete
Stargate > Cordelia-Centered(Moderator)JoeHundredaireFR183081,56642671242,1821 Sep 0723 Jul 10No
CoA Winner

First Contact

IllustrationTitle: Snake Charming
Author: JoeHundredaire (
Rating: R/FR18.
Pairings: Cordelia Chase/OFC, Cordelia Chase/Samantha Carter, Cordelia Chase/Daniel Jackson, Cordelia Chase/Apophis, Faith Lehane (Anise)/Vala Mal Doran (Qetesh)
Disclaimer: Right, I actually went and checked to be sure this time… the Stargate franchise and its related characters and concepts belongs to MGM. Never quite figured out who owns the Buffyverse, but I know for a fact that it's not me. Let's just go with 'not mine' and leave it as that.
Summary: Nobody tells Cordelia Chase what to do with her life. Not even the alien snake that wrapped itself around her spinal cord.
Joe's Note: Just a teaser of a silly sort of story I thought of at 5AM this morning. Wasn't going to write it, but then I figured what the hell. Whether or not it continues depends on the number and tone of the reviews.

     Her breath coming in harsh gasps, Cordelia Chase rolled over onto her back and stared up at the rough of the cave, trying to ignore the pinch of where a sharp stone was digging into the soft flesh of her lower back as she concentrated on the battle being waged within her mind. Her right hand began to twitch again and then the fingers scrabbled for purchase against the loose dirt on the ground, for a few seconds at least. Then Cordelia forced her fingers to curl into a fist as she wrenched control of her renegade digits away from her unwanted visitor. "Oh no you don't. This is my body, damn it. Mine!"

     Her day had started out simply enough. She'd decided that getting out of the ritzy, tourist trap area her parents had booked a hotel room in for their Mexican Riviera vacation sounded like fun and after explaining her needs, the cute clerk at the front desk had set her up with a day tour of the countryside. According to what she'd read online before leaving Sunnydale, once she got away from the peddlers and packed markets designed to take advantage of dumb American tourists who lacked the ability to assess quality and figure out what things were really worth, the country was supposed to have some great handmade jewelry… and nothing said Queen of the School like one-of-a-kind necklaces and bracelets from south of the border. And while she was far from hurting for money, if she could get it for super cheap from some poor woman who could eat for a week off a five dollar bill, all the better. The less she spent per piece, the more she could buy, after all…

     So at the ass crack of dawn, she'd dragged herself out of bed and through the shower before dolling herself up and stumbling downstairs to join five other tourists in being stuffed into a VW Microbus that - despite having a lovely paint job depicting one of the local beaches - had clearly seen better days. The bus's shocks had been shot, a problem made worse by the sometimes poor but more often non-existent paving, and the air conditioning non-functional, but then again it was Mexico and so she'd just written it off as 'part of the experience'. In her mind, the worst part of her day had been the way the tour guide leered at her cleavage… right up until he'd come within inches of putting their bus into the back end of a parked car. From there, things had improved a bit: they'd parked the van and been given a brief walking tour of the small town before being given pocket watches synchronized with the hotel's clock and told when to meet back at the bus. Not wanting to be stuck dealing with the tour guide or the newlywed who'd been staring right over his new wife's shoulder at her the entire ride, Cordelia had immediately taken off on her own.

     Deciding to circle around the outskirts to get a few pictures for her Facebook page before heading through the town to get back to the bus, stopping for shopping on the way, Cordelia began making her way up a somewhat rocky hillside towards what she hoped was a good vantage point for a photo of the town as a whole… and then everything had gone to hell. The ground had crumbled beneath her feet and she'd plunged seven or eight feet to land in what the shaft of sunlight showed to be a goodly sized cave.

     Mouth opening to scream for help, Cordelia abruptly shut it as the sunlight poured through the hole she'd made and glinted off something shiny. Or rather, somethings shiny. She was surrounded by gold. Lots and lots of gold. Fort Knox levels of gold, practically. Across the cave from her, there was a huge golden box roughly the size of a human body, there were gold tables covered with gold jewelry studded with gems, a gem-encrusted throne, and even what looked like bars of it next to a pile of dark rocks. After struggling to her feet, Cordelia had let out a gleeful laugh as she surveyed the room. There was no way in hell she was going to let anyone come in here to rescue her! If she could manage to get even just a fraction of this back to the hotel, she could hide it in her luggage and sell it back in America. After all, who needed to suck up to their parents for money when they had blocks of gold they could pawn as needed?

     The only flaw with that cunning, cunning plan was transporting her haul. She couldn't just walk around with an armful of gold bars. Even if she didn't get mugged and raped by some crazy poor Mexican guy, it'd definitely raise eyebrows. Police and TSA and customs agent eyebrows. So, Cordelia had decided, the first order of business was to acquire some way of hiding the bars so she could smuggle them back into America. The only halfway useful looking item had been a chest with a creepy jar on top of it, so she'd shoved the jar off and tried to figure out how to unlock what turned out to be a sealed lid. Completely focused on the task at hand, the sound of the jar shattering hadn't registered with Cordelia… and neither had the soft hiss as something emerged from the remains. And it was that single-minded intensity that quickly came back to bite Cordelia in the ass as the creature jumped onto her bare leg.

     What had followed was something right out of her creepy life back in Sunnydale. The freaky snake thing had crawled up her leg and into her shorts - and God, perverted demon much? - before swinging around over her hip and crawling up her back. There'd been a sharp pain in her neck and then her body had stopped responding to her commands. And, to make a bad situation even worse, that was when a little voice in the back of her head had chosen to start bugging her.

     Come to think of it, the little voice in her head - ugh, as if that didn't make her sound crazy - was still talking to her.

     'I am a goddess! I am Ishtar!' 'Ishtar' sounded desperate now, and a lot weaker than she had initially been. 'You will worship me!'

     Cordelia snorted. "There's only one thing I worship, bitch, and it has Ben Franklin's face on it." She'd just discovered the Mexican version of Fort Knox, after all, and she was sure as hell not going to let anything, not even some creepy snake demon, take that away from her. Said weird snake thing had managed to control her body barely long enough to announce itself as Ishtar of the Goa'uld and crow about how her body was no longer her own… and then Cordelia had kicked its ass.

     Well, not literally because the snake was inside her and snakes didn't even have asses to kick. Or did they? Snakes had to poop somehow, after all. Mehh, Cordelia decided, not important at the moment. But after a moment of surprise at the pure gall of the creature inside her body for daring to try and possess her, Cordelia had clawed, bitchslapped, and hair pulled her way back into control of her body and she wasn't giving it up any time soon. She was about to become one rich little girl from all the gold in this cave. Nobody was taking that away from her.


     Hoping to keep herself busy and therefore not idle enough for the snake bitch to take control again, Cordelia forced herself to her feet and began looking around the cave with new eyes as she took in the true extent of its contents. While the gold and the throne seemed fairly straight forward for someone who thought she was a goddess, now that Cordelia was looking past it, she was starting to find other things. Like odd brown staves, odd little snake-like things that screamed 'guns' in her mind for some totally bizarre reason, and some jewelry that must have had magical powers, because that was the only way someone would wear anything that horribly tacky. "Ishtar? What is all this?"

     'I'm not telling you anything, pathetic Tau'ri. You may have bested me for now, but I will not be denied forever. I will find a way to dominate this body someday and then you will rue the day you resisted my might. But until then I will settle for keeping you out of my possessions, to keep them from being befouled by your touch before I am ready to use them.' Cordelia brought up her mental image of Ishtar again - who actually looked a lot like Buffy for some reason - and then gave the blonde's hair a vicious yank. 'Oww! I am a goddess! I will not submit to…' Another yank, then a sharp backhand across the face for good measure, finished off with a swift knee to the gut. She tried to keep away from physical violence, being beneath her and all, but sometimes a good old catfight was what it took to drive a point home and Cordelia figured now was one of those times. Oww! I yield, I yield!'

     Cordelia fingered an odd, gold device that looked a bit like a glove with a gem set about where she guessed her palm would be when she slid the thing on. "So you're going to help me? Good. Let's start with this. What is it and what does it do?"

     There was a brief pause before Ishtar sighed. 'It is called a kara'kesh. It has a number of features, most of which involve projecting energy. For instance, it is capable of forming a protective shield around you that can absorb energy blasts. Since your primitive people have yet to discover such weapons, the fact that it can also deflect rapidly-moving projectiles such as your 'bullets' might be of more interest to you.' Well, since she wasn't trying to play superhero and save people from armed muggers… not really, but she could get behind the idea of being bulletproof. 'It also emits bursts of energy as a weapon, and links with a person's mind so you can extract information. The process is quite painful for them.'

     "Try to sound a little less happy about that, eh?" Great. She had an intergalactic dominatrix in her head. Fabulous. Cordelia slid her hand into the 'kara'kesh' before wandering over to grab one of the tall brown staves. Something tickled at her mind and she grabbed it, whirling to point one bulbous head at the wall. Poking a button on the shaft once caused the head to split into four pieces and spread open, and a second push sent a burst of orange energy into the rock wall.

     Cordelia blinked owlishly as she was peppered with bits of rock and dust before grinning widely. "Okay, now that's just cool." Setting the staff down with its brothers, she moved over to pick up one of the strange, coiled snake-like objects. Again, her mind seemed to know just what to do with it and it rose from its coiled position into a 'Z' shape. Pressing the trigger fired a bolt of crackling blue lightning that didn't seem to do any damage to the wall when it hit, but three quick bolts to the shattered remains of the jar she assumed Ishtar had come out of made the remains disintegrate. Her brows rose as she stared at the… zat'nik'tel, her mind supplied… with awe. Okay, this was also being smuggled back to Sunnydale. Because if she got dragged out vampire hunting again with the losers? There was no way she was going to be doing physical labor when she could just zap them to death.

     So she now had a handgun that could disintegrate things, and a gauntlet-esque piece of jewelry that could block incoming attacks, throw people around, and torture them. Well, and a staff that could blow giant holes in things, but she couldn't figure out how she could possibly sneak that back into America at this point. Still. It made her wonder what else might be lying around in the cave.

     And so, poking Ishtar now and then for information, Cordelia began taking a full inventory of the cave's contents.

     "Ma'am? I don't see this on the customs declaration form." Cordelia looked away from her compact, shooting the government drone a glare for daring to disturb her. Her look faltered when she realized what he was holding, and how many problems it could cause her if he confiscated it. She wasn't sure if the government knew about aliens or if Area 51 actually existed or anything, but if they did know about the Goa'uld, a zat'nik'tel being confiscated from a teenager's carry-on bag would raise a lot of eyebrows. "Did I miss something?"

     Sighing, Cordelia fixed a bored expression on her face and let her gaze linger on the man for a second or two longer before returning her attention to her makeup. "Uh, I don't know. Did you? I know I wrote down 'Metal Mexican Snake Sculpture' on there."

     Cordelia watched out of the corner of her eye as the man consulted the paper again, then gave the zat'nik'tel a suspicious look. "This is a sculpture?"

     "It's modern art. Or something. I don't know, go ask the Mexican who made it. All I know is that my friend likes snakes for some bizarre reason, and so when I saw it, I thought of her." Closing her compact, Cordelia tucked it into her purse and brought both arms up, crossing them under her breasts and using her forearms to press them together, enhancing her cleavage. "Why? Is it going to be a problem?"

     After eyeing her breasts for a moment, the man's eyes jerked upward guiltily and he became even more uncomfortable when she just raised an eyebrow and smirked. "Of course not, ma'am. I think we're done here. Welcome back to America."

     Wow. And she hadn't even had to explain the kara'kesh. Life was good.

     "Okay, is there a reason we all had to rush over here right away? I mean, some of us do have lives outside of you, Cordelia. And besides, you aren't exactly looking your best right now. The least you could have done was shower before dragging us over here for what…" Harmony Kendall's annoyingly shrill whining trailed off as blue lightning crackled over her body, the blonde's eyes rolling up into her head as she collapsed to the floor of Cordelia's bedroom.

     Just for theatricality, Cordelia blew across the end of the zat'nik'tel she was holding before letting her gaze roam over the other five girls she'd invited over that afternoon. Her primary Cordettes were perched on various flat surfaces in her bedroom, staring at either her, her weapon, or both in shock. "Alright, ladies, long story short? When I was in Mexico, I made contact with an alien. She gave me some cool toys. If you guys swear fealty to me, I'll not only share my toys, but I have a way to make you stronger, faster, immune to disease, and slower to age. So, who's with me?"

     Four hands went up, which was close to what Cordelia was expecting with Harmony unconscious on the floor and all. The slower aging part alone probably would have brought them over to her side. Staring at the lone holdout, Cordelia raised an eyebrow. Aura White just blushed and looked down at her feet. "I don't know what fealty means."

     "Oh for crying out loud…"
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