Disclaimer: All characters portrayed in the television series “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” and “Stargate: SG-1” are the exclusive property of their creators and various production companies and is used here without their approval.
A/N: This started out as a reply to the Fic For All challenge - but may have gone in a direction not intended in terms of pairing.
"Carter!" Samantha Carter looked up from her research. Her bellowing commanding officer clearly had some issues he wanted to get out in the open.
"I want the meaning of this!"
"I beg your pardon, Sir?"
O'Neill looked around and growled. "I know I should never have assumed that she would follow me in here. She probably found an Airman somewhere. She certainly seems to proposition everything in pants. Hang on."
He disappeared into the hallway and Sam was left wondering who precisely "she" was. She didn't have to wonder for long, though.
"Carter, meet Buffy – Buffy, Carter."
"Nice to meet you, Buffy."
"You too," the blonde chirped friendly, as she snuggled closer to the Colonel. "Are we going to have sex now? Because even if I am not strictly speaking programmed to threesomes, there is an override code for situations like this."
"Uh, Sir?" Sam couldn't quite believe her own ears. "What is this?"
O'Neill paused. "You mean this isn't your idea of a funny prank?" he asked, much less angry than he had been when he had started out.
"With all my research, when would I have had the time to put together something as elaborate as this, sir?" Sam stepped forward. "I thought it was a real human being, until it said the thing about programming. And no, I don't program robots in my basement at home, either."
She approached the robot and began poking it with a finger. "It does feel remarkable. Where did you say you found it?"
"It sat on my front steps this morning."
"And you brought it to work with you?" Sam raised an eyebrow.
"It suggested certain intimate activities and then mentioned having been programmed. Like you, I took that to mean that it wasn't a real person. Leaving it behind didn't seem very wise."
Buffy looked at the papers on Sam's desk while they had been talking. When they stopped she beamed a big smile. "I am very flexible," she said. "Wanna see?"
"Er… not right now," Sam said with a smile. "Bringing it into a top-secret base was wise, Sir?"
it was your doing, Therefore I brought it straight to the source."
"It's not, Sir."
"But I assume there is some sort of control panel, somewhere," Sam continued. "It's very interesting how it is so lifelike. May I?" She found a screwdriver on her desk and gestured towards Buffy.
"Be my guest."
Sam ran her arms over Buffy looking for something that would indicate a panel. O'Neill followed the procedure avidly. "I could probably sell the security tapes from this," he mused. "But we could just ask her, you know. Do you have a control panel, Buffy?"
"Of course I do, Jack. Did you want me to open it?" The blonde beamed another big smile in O'Neill's direction. "I can also take my clothes off, if you want."
"Please, do. Er… open the panel, that is. You can leave the clothes on." Sam was pretty sure that the Colonel was smirking at her. But as the panel opened, she forgot everything about it.
"Someone out there has a thorough knowledge about computers, Sir."
"Yeah," O'Neill raised his eyebrows. "I sort of got that from the walking around and propositioning everybody with legs part. My personal computer doesn't do that. Not that I'm aware, anyway."
Sam poked around and apparently she hit something, because Buffy paused for a second.
"Where is Spike?" she asked. "Spike is amazing, even if he is evil. He can go on, and on, and on and on and…"
"I think we get the picture, Buffy. Who the hell is Spike, Carter?"
"I have no idea, Sir. But apparently he has stamina."
"Very funny. Isn't there something you can do to…" the Colonel gesticulated with his arms. "…Find out who sent me Buffy?"
Sam looked around a bit more in the control panel. "I think I can make the attempt to find out where her parts came from, and then see if I can get some names for you, Sir. But I'm going to have to dig deep, and I can't do that unless she's turned off."
O'Neill looked at the robot. "Buffy, can you turn yourself off?"
"Certainly." Buffy's hand did something, and the light went out in her eyes.
"I take it that this takes precedence over my current research?"
"Depends. What'cha working on?"
Sam looked at the research on the table. It had come from a peaceful planet, with little signs of proving to be a weapon. If she could discover how this robot had been made, however… "Nothing important, Sir."
"Good to know the taxpayers are paying you to do nothing of importance, Carter."
Sam was so busy dismantling Buffy that she didn't reply.
"Hey!" Warren looked at Andrew. "Where did the camera view go?"
"It might be gone because the hot blonde came across it," Jonathan suggested. “Even if you set it so that the camera would still be on when the Buffybot shut down… it might still be found.”
“I really wanted to see what the Colonel was working on,” Andrew pouted. “Deep Space Telemetry from inside a mountain? It has to be a cover story.”