The Happiest Place On Earth
Title: Blind Divine
Rating: PG-13, for now.
Disclaimer: Whedon owns BTVS, Disney owns POTC.
Pairings: Willow/Will, Faith/Jack
Spoilers: S7 Finale Spoiler
Summary: Captain Jack Sparrow stumbles upon a priceless treasure . . .
Notes: After watching the POTC movie, I had to write this. It just wouldn't leave me alone, so here we go.
BTVS: no Willow/Kennedy relationship.
POTC: Will and Jack dive into the water at the ending, Elizabeth stays to marry the Commodore.
Part Eleven: The Happiest Place On Earth
“You have got to be kidding me.”
Faith’s lip was curled back into a sneer as she followed behind Will and Jack. Willow was right beside Faith, her hand gripping the Slayer’s arm for protection as she took in the various sights, sounds, and smells of the island of Tortuga. The witch gave a tiny squeak of alarm as a particularly drunk man came stumbling her way, but Faith redirected the man with one mighty shove in the other direction.
“Where the hell did you bring us, Drag Queen?” Faith practically snarled. Her eyes scanned the area around her, and her disgust was very apparent. Jack stopped in the middle of the alleyway and turned back to look at Faith with some curiosity.
“Is there a problem?” he asked.
“Yeah, there is,” Faith shot back. “Why the hell did you bring us to this dump?”
“We need supplies,” Jack reminded her. “And this is the only place where we can acquire all the things we need.”
“And by that he means this is the only island where he isn’t being hunted by the Royal Navy,” Will elaborated. “We could have gone to any other island for supplies, but Jack’s a little too well known. And he’s angered too many high officials in the King’s Navy.”
“Well, if our old mate Norrington would just learn to leave things be,” Jack muttered.
“Perhaps he could if you stopped raiding merchant ships on the way to Port Royal,” Will admonished him lightly.
“I can’t do that!” Jack retorted. “I’m a bleeding pirate, boy! It’s me job to raid merchant ships. It’s what I do.”
“Don’t you have enough gold?” Willow asked him cautiously. “I mean, all that stuff back on the ship-”
“Needs to be put safely away before we can make our way to the mother country,” Jack interjected. “And besides, that’s not likely to last too long. We pirates have large appetites.”
“And poor standards of personal hygiene,” Faith snapped, pulling a face when a practically toothless louse grinned at her. “God, if I don’t get out of here soon, I’m going to start bashing heads. All these guys here are either drunk or getting drunk, and they’re obviously feeling a bit horny-and I might have to kill some of them if they don’t learn to keep their distance.”
“Just ignore them, love,” Jack advised her as he started back down the alleyway. “Besides, we won’t be here long. Just a quick stop to get you some more appropriate apparel for you two. Can’t have you wandering around Europe in those things.”
“He’s right Faith,” Willow whispered to her friend. “If we’re going to get to England, we need to blend in a bit better. We’re a little conspicuous right now.”
“This is going to end in me wearing a dress, isn’t it?” Faith made a face. “This trip is really starting to get on my nerves.”
“Come, come!” Jack called impatiently. “We haven’t all day. And I want to get in a drink before we leave this rock.”
“You want to drink something from this place?” Faith looked slightly green. “Jack, I don’t think that’s a great idea. This place is a little unsanitary, God knows what’s in the food and drink.”
“Well, I wouldn’t need to get drinks from here if someone hadn’t finished off my rum,” Jack said with an accusing glare directed Will’s way.
“You drank all the rum yourself,” the first-mate reminded his captain.
“Of course I did,” Jack snorted. “But you were supposed to stop me from drinking it all. It’s the first-mate’s job to do that.”
“I did stop you, and then I hid the rum,” Will replied with a roll of his eyes. “That’s when you stopped the ship and ordered the crew to find the hidden rum. And then you finished it.”
“Well, I still need more, now don’t I?” Jack returned snidely.
“Dude, if there was every anyone who didn’t need more rum, it would be you,” Faith said. “You’re tipsy enough when you’re sober. Drunk, you’re beyond useless.”
“Can we just get a move on it?” Willow asked in a whining tone. “I don’t really care for this place. Let’s just get what we need and get back to the ship.”
“Unimpressed with Tortuga?” Will asked with a laugh. Willow made a face, and then blushed bright red when they passed a very amorous couple who seemed to have selected the middle of the alleyway for their afternoon tryst.
“It’s a bit too . . . colourful for me,” Willow said slowly. “So can we please hurry it up?”
“Yes, yes, we’re almost there,” Jack muttered distractedly as he continued to lead them through the maze of alleys. Willow kept herself firmly wedged into Faith’s side, her wide eyes taking in the various scenes of debauchery and lewdness with acute embarrassment and discomfort. Faith scowled the entire way through Tortuga, levelling threatening looks towards anyone that dared to approach them. Will seemed to be in the same boat as Willow, though he wasn’t as surprised or embarrassed by the things he saw. In fact, he only seemed resigned by the state of Tortuga, and slightly disapproving.
Jack, on the other hand, seemed to be right at home. The captain was downright cheerful as he led his companions through the alleyways, stopping every now and then to chat with a few of the louts cluttering the way. He practically skipped the entire way, twirling his walking stick merrily and using it to point out various different parts of the town he had frequented before.
“And this is where I first met Gibbs, the old drunkard! He was then in the process of being tossed out of this establishment for chasing after the innkeeper’s wife, and then getting caught by the innkeeper when he finally caught her . . .”
Willow wrinkled her nose in distaste at some of the stories Jack shared with them, while Faith hardly paid the captain any attention. The Slayer was far too busy keeping her eyes open for signs of danger, especially of the supernatural kind. The attack on the ship was still fresh in her mind, and Faith was just itching to go another round with the Bringers. The hardships of the previous year had definitely not been forgotten, and there was nothing more that this Slayer would like to do than to beat some demon ass.
But she wasn’t likely to see any action today. Jack abruptly came to a stop and led them inside what appeared to be a tailor’s store. He entered without knocking and calmly made his way to the centre of the store. Before him was a large wooden desk that Willow supposed would function as something like the register area. Jack picked up a small bell that rested on the far left corner of that desk and gave it a little shake.
“Coming!” came the almost immediate response. A door opened from the back of the room and a harried looking brunette woman emerged. She wasn’t young by any standards, but she certainly wasn’t that old. Her face was slightly wrinkled, a few strands of grey were evident among her brown locks, and unlike most of the woman Willow had seen so far on this island, she had no gaudy makeup on her face.
“Julia!” Jack exclaimed with warmth. The woman, Julia, stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Jack. After a few seconds of shock, she moved forward quickly and soundly slapped the captain across the face. Jack was turned sideways by the force of the slap, his hand already covering his reddening cheek.
“Oh, I like her already,” Faith chuckled.
Will looked at his captain with some impatience. “Did you deserve that one?” he asked sternly.
Jack winced and then nodded. “Oh, I deserved that one,” he confirmed.
“Does he get that kind of reception often?” Willow asked in shock.
“Aye, and he deserves every last one!” Juliet interjected with force. “You have a lot of nerve coming here, Jack Sparrow! After what you did . . .”
“And what did he do?” Faith asked.
“He skipped out on his bill, took half my inventory, and emptied my purse while he was at it,” Julia fumed as she waved a pair of scissors at Jack threateningly. “I ought to rip your throat out-”
“But you won’t,” Jack interrupted smoothly. “Not when I have come to right all past wrongs, and endeavour to reinitiate our past business relationship. I need some costumes, if you will-”
“You’ll be getting nothing from me, Jack Sparrow,” Julia snapped. “Not after the last time.”
“You’ll be reimbursed for the last time,” Will offered quickly. “In fact, you’ll get double of what he owes.”
“’Double‘?” Julia repeated with some interest.
“’Double’?” Jack repeated with some irritation. Will only nodded and then pointed towards Julia. Jack grimaced and then plastered a fake smile on his face. “Aye, double what I owe you for the last time. And I‘ll pay you for whatever we take today.”
Julia looked shrewdly at Jack for a few minutes before nodding her consent. “Aye, that’ll do it. Now, what do you need?”
“Dresses, appropriate dresses, for these young ladies,” Jack said with a nod towards Willow and Faith. “Nothing too fancy, just suitable enough to last them until we can get them dresses made in Europe.”
“You’re going to Europe?” Julia asked with an arched eyebrow. “Aren’t you wanted in five different countries over there?”
“Six,” Jack said with a grin. “But that’s besides the point. We just need about two dresses each. And another set of black robes, if you have them.”
“I really wish you wouldn’t insist on impersonating priests,” Will complained. “It’s wrong.”
“And for the last time today, I’m a bloody pirate! I think that impersonating a priest is one of the least sinful deeds I‘ve committed all year,” Jack looked annoyed. “Stop whining Will, and look for something you can fit into. You’ll be needing proper clothes once we get to the continent as well.”
“I have proper clothes,” Will argued.
“You have proper blacksmith’s clothes,” Jack corrected him. “You’ll need to appear a bit better than that in England. You honestly think the Watchers‘ Council will let you enter the building looking like that?”
“And you’ll walk in with no problems?” Will countered.
“But of course,” Jack said with a grin. “After all, they’ll all be happy to see Father Smith again. I’ve got quite a few friends there, I’ll have you know.”
“I bet you swindled every last one of them,” Will snapped at him.
“So what if I did?”
“Oh great,” Faith muttered as Will and Jack continued to argue. “They’re at it again. Those two are hopeless.”
“Worse than an old married couple,” Willow said in agreement.
“Jack brings that out in people,” Julia assured them. “Now, come on ladies. We’ll leave the boys to their squabbling and get you two into some dresses. Any colour preference? Old Clifford and his boys raided a pretty large merchant ship the other week, and we’ve got plenty of new materials in stock. Will you two be needing new corsets? I’ve got a few of those as well . . .”