Title: The Tin Girl
Summary: "The Doctor likes to travel with an entourage. Sometimes they're human, sometimes they're aliens. Sometimes they're robot dogs.”
Disclaimer: I don’t own Buffy. Nor do I own Doctor Who.
AN: Let’s just say that this story is set post Blink for Doctor Who, and post Intervention for BTVS, but before Willow reprograms the Buffybot. Oh and, definitely Crack!fic. Because it is the Buffybot we’re dealing with here.
"Your machine is much bigger on the inside than the outside."
"Yes, yes. And it also travels in time and space, yadda yadda yadda, are you going to come in?" Without turning to look at the blonde hovering in the doorway, the Doctor set about the console, flipping switches and hitting buttons with the practiced ease of a person that only looked
like he had no idea what he was doing. Soon enough, the time rotor began to pump up and down, and a grinding noise signaled the TARDIS’ departure from Sunnydale, California.
"Are you bigger on the inside as well?" Startled by her sudden appearance behind him, the Doctor jerked around to see the blonde eyeing his trousers with a distinct gleam that he was sure he didn't like.
"I, uh - that is, well - have you seen the jump seat yet?" Nervously the Doctor scooted around the pretty blonde woman, and taking her by the elbow, led her over to the seat beside the console and sat her down. "There we go, isn’t it nice to take a rest, get your mind off of… other things?” Making sure she had situated herself, and wasn’t likely to be popping up beside him, the Doctor called into the hallway leading further into the TARDIS. “Martha! Could you come here for a moment?"
Almost immediately, a smiling face popped around the corner, peering into the console room. "What's that?" Scanning the room, her eyes caught sight of the blonde sitting on the jump seat and her eyes narrowed. "Who's this then? New girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend? Would you like me to be your girlfriend? Spike taught me to be the perfect girlfriend. I love Spike. Spike is much manlier than Angel, who is a bloody poof."
"That's uh, quite alright." Running his hand through his hair he turned his attention back to Martha. "This is a Buffybot. Some fellow in the early twenty first century managed to get his hands on some alien technology and built her. Rather than destroy her, I thought we might take her a few centuries into the future when androids are a bit more common place."
"Wait, you're telling me that's a robot?" She skipped up the steps to the console to get a closer look. "That's amazing! She looks so real!” Peering closer, Martha tilted her head and studied the robot, noting the perfect posture that would put a debutante to shame. Curiosity taking hold, she turned her attention back to the Doctor. “So, if she's a robot, what does she do then? Aren't they programmed with some specific function and rules? 'I won't harm humans and some such'?"
"Martha Jones, you've been watching far too many sci-fi movies. Androids are perfectly capable of harming humans." His features darkened briefly as memories momentarily took hold. However, he was broken out of his reminiscing by Martha’s whispering voice.
"So is she like, going to go berserk and kill us all?"
"Of course not. Although I think you should know, she is perfectly sentient, and has unusually sharp ears. Which means you don’t have to whisper, and you can ask her yourself.” The Doctor grabbed Martha by the shoulders and turned her back around to face the Buffybot, who sat smiling with her head quirked to one side. “Just, keep her busy while I get our coordinates set." The Doctor turned back to the console, glad to have his hands free of the rather tactless and forward robot – for the moment at least.
“Hi! I’m Buffy!” The android extended a hand, which Martha grasped cautiously. Travel through all of time and space, she thought to herself, meet Shakespeare, diabolical pepper pots, and living statues, and what is it that ultimately unnerves her? Rosie the Robot Maid.
“It’s nice to meet you Martha!”
"Alright,” she shifted her weight slowly to the opposite foot, “so what do you do then?"
"Mostly Spike. If you are looking for sexual intercourse, I do not sleep with women. Willow does. You should ask Willow!"
"Uh... that's alright, really." Incredulous, she spun around to face the Doctor, who was quite obliviously (or so he liked to pretend) turning dials at the console. "She's a sexbot!"
"Ah yes, well. Like you said, each has a purpose.”
"I thought it was to help humanity! Not to please some pervert who programmed her for sex! You need to fix this!"
"Martha, what if I told you that it was wrong for you to be a doctor, and that you needed to find a new purpose in life? I can’t just go changing her functioning willy-nilly because you believe it's wrong. Oh, willy-nilly. Now there's a phrase that I hope is never uttered aboard this ship again."
"Doctor, that is the single most ridiculous analogy I've ever heard."
“Well, it’s the best I’ve got right now, and no, she’s not being reprogrammed.”
Martha narrowed her eyes. Turning on her heel, she stormed off into the TARDIS, leaving the Doctor alone with the Buffybot, who had been listening to the entire conversation.
"Is she upset because I will not ‘snog’ her?"
Rubbing his hand across his face, the Doctor sighed. "Though, I suppose she does have a point."
“So what kind of mods did you end up making?”
Martha and the Doctor stood in the doorway of the TARDIS, waving to the Buffybot as she walked into a graveyard on 32nd century Earth.
“Oh, just a few tweaks here and there. Nothing drastic.”
The two watched as a mound of dirt began to move over a fresh grave. Martha gasped as a hand shot out of the soil, followed by another, followed by a head, and a torso, as the corpse began to pull itself from its grave. When he finally stood on solid ground, the young man nonchalantly began to brush the dirt from his clothes, pausing to inspect rips and pulled threads where they appeared.
“Ah man, Mom’s gonna kill me when she sees what I did to my best suit!” Suddenly his handsome features morphed into those of a demon. “But not if I kill her first.”
Confused, the vampire’s guise fell as he turned around to see the Buffybot standing behind his tombstone. “Hey! I was kinda monologuing here. Who the hell are you?”
The Buffybot struck a pose, hands proudly on her hips as she declared, "I am Buffy, the Vampire Layer!"
Instantly the vampire’s face morphed once again. "SLAY
- er, wait, what did you say?”
Before he could think of a proper response, the Buffybot grabbed the vampire and drew him into a long passionate kiss.
"Doctor!” Martha cried as she watched this interaction take place. “You didn’t change anything!”
“Weeeeellll, yes and no.” His right hand wrapped around the back of his neck as he tried to think of a way to explain this to Martha. “I still stand by what I said earlier, I just gave her a bit of a… nobler purpose.”
“Go on,” Martha urged.
“You see, in every generation there is a chosen one. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons, and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer. Now, there already is a Slayer out there, I could introduce you if you’d like. She," and he gestured toward where the Buffybot and the vampire had disappeared behind the tombstone, “is what you might consider the ‘Advance Guard’, if you get my drift.”
Judging by Martha’s confused stare, though obviously she didn’t.
“Alright, we’ll try it this way. Vampires are creatures with advanced senses, strength, and stamina, correct? Well, so are – if not more so in the case of stamina – androids. Got it?”
The Doctor waited a moment for Martha’s face to suddenly light up in realization, before continuing, a cheeky grin on his face. “Yup! The Vampire Layer: Satisfying evil into a sense of complacency, one vampire at a time!”
“Oh, that is so wrong!” Martha cried, despite her laughter.
A cry of “Stake me, you evil vampire!” suddenly sounded from behind the tombstone, causing both Martha and the Doctor’s eyes to widen.
“And I believe that’s our cue to go. After you, Miss Jones.” The Doctor held the door open for Martha and she ducked under his arm to enter. Taking a couple steps in, she paused before flipping back around.
“So wait a minute, vampires are real?!”
The Doctor rolled his eyes as he followed Martha into the TARDIS, shutting the door behind him. "You humans! So ignorant of what's right underneath your noses. I mean literally, right underneath you! You’d think after how many thousands of years, you’d learn to cremate your dead!”
A few moments passed and the grinding sound that accompanied the TARDIS’ departure into the time vortex drowned out all other sounds in the graveyard. Well, almost all.
“Slay me, Buffy!”
“Alright, if that is what you want.”
A cloud of dust ballooned up from behind the tombstone where the Buffybot and vampire had disappeared. As it settled back to the earth, the Buffybot stood up and wiped the dust from her clothes, before disappearing into the darkness to find another vampire to lay– er, slay