Buffy & Lazarus Long
Disclaimer: not my characters, not my universes, and I promise to put everyone back as soon as I'm done playing with them
"Will you marry me, Buffy Summers?" Lazarus asked as the last demon's body hit the ground.
"Bad time to ask me that right now. We still barely know each other," she said, surveying the warehouse that had served as the demons' nest.
"I've seen all I need to see. You're beautiful, brave, loyal, and never run away from a fire fight. What more could I ask for in a wife? And how many of these guys did Willow need?"
"Two of them should be enough."
Working together, they put two of the demon bodies to the side, and stacked the rest into a pile. Lazarus pulled a small container out of his backpack, and sprinkled a powder over the bodies. In what seemed to be a matter of seconds, they dissolved into dust, bone and all.
"Don't suppose I could get a salt shaker of the from you? It would be great to have in my line of work. Demons that normally dissolve into slime equal very messy, and likely to mess up my shoes."
"Only if you promise to really think about my proposal," Lazarus said as he dug back into his pack, this time retrieving two duffel-like bags that expanded into something big enough to carry the remaining demon bodies out in.
"It's just really not a good idea."
"But we'd make such wonderful babies together. Both your genes and your spirit just need to be passed along to the next generation."
"Pregnant slayers usually make for dead slayers. It's something of a miracle that Robin's mother managed to make it nine months with him."
"Maureen's been wanting to get pregnant again. I'm sure she'd be glad to act as a surrogate."
"You get the feet, and I'll get the rest," Buffy said as she directed the bagging of the demon. It was nice to have a reason to move the conversation away from the whole Oedipus deal Lazarus had going on with his mother.
"Got it, and make sure the tentacles get tucked all the way in. We don't need the smell of that escaping outside the bag." Tentacles and limbs were appropriately tucked, and Lazarus zipped the first bag closed. "We'd be good together. And your friend Willow said you usually do go for older men."
"Okay, point granted in that regard. But that's dating. Marriage plans while I'm actually in my right mind at the time are another."
"The sex would be amazing."
"Modest, aren't you?"
"No, just being honest. Besides, if the sex was anything less than amazing, Ishtar and the other girls wouldn't put up with me."
"The way to make a girl feel like one in a million is not to start talking about sex with your other wives."
"One of the reasons why I'm not fond of this time period," Lazarus sighed as they worked to bag the second demon. "Still dominated by that silly emphasis on monogamy."
"It's one of those ways where we're just too different for each other. I mean, can you handle that I snore loudly at night?"
"Such a simple problem with nasal passages can be easily taken care of by the doctors back home."
"And I'll borrow your credit cards and spend way too much money on shoes."
"I'm one of the richest men in the universe," Lazarus said as he adjusted more tentacles.
"I'm a twenty-three hundred year-old time traveler. I'd have to be an idiot to not take advantage of that. Start off with the joys of compound interest, and add in some foreknowledge of stock markets and the timing of things like bank and business nationalizations, and you could have all the shoe budget you'd ever want."
"That, that just might tempt," she smiled as they finished tucking their prey into giant Ziplocs.
"A way to a woman's heart if often through her feet," he said returning the smile.
They went quiet as they carefully moved their cargo from the warehouse to the rented house that was serving as a temporary Watcher's outpost a few blocks away.
"So what's Willow's shopping list for these guys?" Lazarus asked after the demon remains had been carefully placed in the unfinished basement. Better down there for the purposes of the activity than upstairs where it might stain the upholstery. They wanted to get their security deposit back on the house after all.
"She needs a dozen tentacles, five eye stalks, a spleen, and four rib bones from them, and dang I hate cutting up dead things like this."
"Just remember they killed five innocent humans before we got to them. The least thing the demons could do is to have their bodies help Willow create a potion that's going to be used for good," Lazarus said as he began to unbag the first demon. "Look, I know you're probably close to dead on your feet right now. You did most of the heavy lifting in that fight. So why don't you just go have a nice hot shower and relax the sore muscles, and I'll take care of the rest down here?"
"If you're going to insist..."
"Then I'll leave you with Mister and Miss Slimey down here," she said, deciding to not turn down help in that area.
And that was why she tolerated Lazarus Long whenever he showed up. She wouldn't have believed it was possible, but he bugged the crap out of her more than Andrew at times. Arrogant was only the gentlest was of describing a man who was convinced he was the most perfect human being within a hundred dimension radius. But when the shit was hitting the fan, he never backed down from a fight, and always did his best to pull his own weight in every situation. And in his own way, he tried to act like a gentleman around her, willingness to deal with demon guts and all.