Bonus Chapter 2
AN: I never planned on a second chapter, but here it is... I'm surprised!
Xander was relieved. He managed to convince his 'new and improved' parents not to meet the rest of the Scoobies immediately, making them promise to wait until next evening when he hoped the changes would have worn off. Unfortunately, he currently found himself waking up unable to move at all. Looking down, he saw he was strapped spread eagle in sturdy chains - to the wall.
"Can't we talk this over?" He said to his father - the man who had traded in his bottle of booze for a wicked looking black curved ceremonial dagger and was currently reading from an arcane book that floated four feet off the ground. "You do know that you are not Gomez Addams, right?"
"Of course I know this, son. Our recent.. body guests saw the condition of our lives and decided to give us a parting gift. Took them most of the evening, but they finally managed to twist the bright chaos magic enough to impart on us their unique point of view - along with various skills we can now put to good use." Tony said.
Jessica spoke up while stirring a bubbling foaming potion in a massive cauldron. "Would you have rather two alcoholics that treat you worse than most decent people treat dogs - even ones they are about to sacrifice later? The only thing they did right was try to arrange the empty beer cans and liquor bottles in a somewhat pleasant manner, although their Feng Shui was atrocious." She pointed one long sleeve towards where the formerly full alcohol containers now were stacked and pasted into strange Gothic flying buttresses throughout the room - making it look vaguely cathedral-esque.
"We're not stupid, Xander, my son." She continued, "In this reality, as in many others, our new adopted family is merely entertainment. But in some, they are as real as you and myself."
"So.. they left you a gift?" Xander tried stalling whatever his parents were planning for him.
"Oh yes!" Tony said with wide eyes and a grin. "Several, in fact. The Addamses, and now the Harrises by extension, have been expert mages, sorcerers, and warlocks for thousands of years. (Witches and half-succubi on your mother's side.) And while you know what they say about power corrupting, they always seem to forget the corollary."
Xander's father leaned closer. "Power corrupts, but if you're really lucky or work really hard - you can control what you want corrupted."
Xander looked confused as he continued hanging wrapped in chains. "What does that even mean?"
"Perhaps it would be better to show him, my little love-muffin?" Tony said.
"Agreed." Jessica went over to the door where the large butcher knife was sill sticking through the wood and casually pulled it out. "Ready, my love?"
"One moment." Tony went to the kitchen and came back with a large Fiji apple that he gently balanced on top his own head. "Ready when you are, rose of all roses."
Xander's mother nodded and threw the knife with amazing speed - right into her husband's forehead. Her son let out a horrified squeak as Tony collapsed like a string-less marionette. The apple, whole and untouched, rolled away back into the kitchen.
"You! You killed him!" Xander shouted once he got his voice back. Jessica slid across the floor over to her collapsed husband and gently prodded him with her foot. Tony didn't respond. "He might have been a horrible father, but he was the only one I..."
"Surprise!!" Tony shouted as he jumped up - nearly giving Xander a teenage heart attack.
"You.. How? Wha? But.. Zuh?" Xander stammered.
"Just the sort of eloquence you'd associate with the poor educational system in this country." Tony said as he ripped out the knife from his forehead. The wound closed up in seconds.
"We're not immortal, son." Jessica cleared up. "We age. We can still be killed, but it will take an extraordinary effort."
Xander thought he heard his father mutter something about torch-wielding mobs. His mother continued. "It is just that we usually get the chance to set our own expiration date. And we try to live life to the fullest until that fateful, glorious day."
Tony spoke up. "When it doesn't matter if the parachute opens or not, you have to make your own thrills, son. Unfortunately, we would be further derelict in our parenting duties if we couldn't extend the same family gifts to all our demon-hunting children."
Xander's eyes widened. "Wait, you're telling me that you guys are going to make with the indestructibility and lay it upon me?"
"Of course!" His father exclaimed. "Unless you enjoy being beaten upon by those tacky soulless bloodsuckers - not that there's anything wrong with a friendly beating every now and then, but you should probably wait until you meet that one special girl."
It took a few moments to shake an image of Buffy in a dominatrix outfit with a whip, but after he did that, Xander thought of all the help he could do with helping patrol and the payback he could inflict on all the vamps for what happened to Jessie and probably all the other people from school in the obituaries. Then something his father said raised a warning flag in his mind.
"Uh, dad? The family gifts sound great. It'll really let me lay into the bastards that got Jessie. But What exactly did you mean when you said 'all of your demon-hunting children'?"
Jessica smiled. "We wanted to surprise you a little later, son of mine. I know it has only been a day and a half since your father and I, well... I can show you the video later."
"Looks like you're going to have a sibling, son!" Tony grinned.
Xander's brain chose that moment to overload.
"He fainted." Tony Harris said, raising the ceremonial dagger. "Too bad. The procedure will hardly hurt at all if he's unconscious. Oh well. Time's a wasting!"All right, maybe one more chapter of meeting the Scoobies and whatever other plot bunnies your reviews can generate.