AN: still not sure about making this into a full story, but the amount of positive reviews have me overwhelmed
Xander woke up to a headache. Well, a headache and his parents doing the tango as the glow from all the mystical sigils carved into his skin slowly faded, followed by the wounds themselves fading. The headache remained.
As the music ended and his father took the rose (no petals, just the thorny stem part) from his mouth, both his parents looked at him.
"Oh look, Jessica, he's awake. And alive! He's ALIVE!!" Tony yelled in his best mad scientist voice. "I always wanted to say that. Ha ha!"
"Do not worry, dear Alexander." His mother spoke up. "He is just, as you would say, pulling your chain. The ritual only has a 40% fatality rate."
"Forty-three percent when I do it!" Tony grinned.
"Ugh.. my head." Xander groaned.
"Yes, it didn't explode like a watermelon falling from an airplane." Tony added, "Congratulations!"
"Honey love, " Xander's mother turned to his father, "why would a falling watermelon explode?"
"I'd always packed them full of explosives. Who doesn't love chunks of watermelon raining down inexplicably at terminal velocity across a mile wide swath of land?"
"You always say the sweetest things, husband of mine." Xander didn't close his eyes fast enough not to see his parents kiss. Although to be fair, the kiss did last almost five minutes. Followed by groping.
Whatever that was going to be followed by, Xander really didn't want to see - so he cleared his throat. Loudly. About a dozen times.
Finally, his parents took notice. "Why are you still hanging around on the wall, Alexander?"
"Well dad, there's the small matter of the chains." Xander rattled said restraints.
"You're stronger now, son. Not as strong as a vampire or that slayer friend of yours - what was her name again? Muffy? Fluffy?" Tony said.
Jessica commented, "It's 'Buffy', dear. Such a nice name. Her mother must have been overcome by the labor pains when she wrote that on the birth certificate. Either that, or she must not want her daughter visiting England. Like naming someone here in the states, 'Fornicatia' or 'Intercorsy'. Although, if she went there and started dating a 'Shaggy'; it would make a matched set."
Her husband stared at her for a moment before shrugging and continuing, "Like I said, you're stronger now, but not too much stronger, though. You're also about as fast as a master vampire, maybe about a little slower than a slayer. On the other hand, your durability and endurance is completely off the scale. Go ahead, try to get free."
"Arn't you going to help?" Xander asked.
"Like a butterfly needs to free itself from a cocoon in order to strengthen its wings, so you need to break free of your steel-linked cocoon, Alexander." his mother said.
Xander strained against the chains. Amazingly, they were slowly giving way. He smiled and put forth a stronger effort. And promptly dislocated his shoulder.
"Excellent, that's the way to do it! Now your other shoulder and you can get free!" Tony exclaimed.
The boy blinked. Usually he had heard that, unlike what some Hollywood movies show, dislocating his shoulder was a horribly painful experience. But he had felt a brief spike of pain followed by nothing. Like someone sharply flicked him on the shoulder with a finger. Surprised, Xander strained again against his other shoulder until he felt that one pop out of the socket.
After emerging from the chains, he slammed his shoulders into the wall, one at a time - popping the joints back into place with no more pain than popping them out.
"Now what?" he asked, smiling widely at the thoughts of actually being able to take a vampire-strength punch with little or no concern.
"Now," Tony grinned back at his son, "We do the dance of blades!"
With that, he grabbed three rapiers from the table and tossed one to Xander and one to Jessica.
They fought. Xander lost. Over and over. And over. But he did slowly get better.
Later that evening, the happy family walked towards the school where Xander called ahead and let everyone know that he would explain everything including why he missed a day of school. His parents even offered to write him a formal note to the principal stating that his absence was understandably due to a series of prolonged arcane rituals. Xander declined.
Everything was going a little too smoothly - which explained the six vampires that currently surrounded the threesome.
"Why looky here." said the apparent leader of the group who wore the requisite dark trench coat. "A walking happy family combination meal. And I didn't even order take-out."
Tony spoke up to his family. "Eh.. what do you think? About a three out of ten for originality and maybe two-and-a-half for effort?"
"Please, darling." Jessica said eloquently. "You are being far too generous. It's common street trash like this that give all Nosferatu a bad name. What do you think son of mine."
Xander grinned in anticipation of the battle. "Eh, I've heard better."
The vampires were both put-off by the nonchalance of their prey and enraged at their words. "Who the hell do you think you people are? I'll tell you who you are. You're dead! All of you!"
"It looks like something I said didn't agree with their refined sensibilities." Jessica said. "It's a good thing I brought mace."
With that, she reached into her large purse bag and pulled out the predictable medieval spiked weapon. "Mace enough for everyone."
She reached in and pulled out two more. And some rope.
A few minutes later, the family continued onwards with Tony talking. "And that's why it's better not to kill them immediately. We came out a few hundred dollars richer, and you my son, got a very nice trench coat out of the deal."
"It is better than the horrid things you usually wear. Those shirts from.. Hawaii." Jessica shuddered at the word.
"I don't know love. Those things are so bad, that their bright prints can confuse an enemy. Much like a Zebra's stripes can confuse the aim of a bazooka-wielding safari hunter." Tony voiced his opinion. "Besides, I think we should soon have enough for a new wardrobe for our only son. "
"Fine, fine. I'll get rid of.. some of the shirts. But like dad said, it can be useful being underestimated by your enemy in combat situations." Xander said, letting a little of his soldier persona through. "Just look at what happened to those pathetic vampires."
Xander pointed towards where the six crushed, bleeding, and twitching demons were lying, stripped of everything but their underwear and expertly tied in provocative positions to one another. Helpless to do anything, even with their vampire healing, until well after the sun would rise. And they wouldn't have to worry about anyone untying them. Not even other vamps would want to approach what appeared from a distance to be a six person male vampire orgy.
Tony grinned. "You know the Addams' family motto was 'Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc'.* I suppose the Harris' family motto should be 'We would gladly beat the ever-loving crap out of those that would subdue us'."
Xander grinned. Perhaps his new and improved family wouldn't be too bad to have around from now on. "That motto works for me."*Addams' motto: Pseudo-latin for 'We gladly feast on those who would subdue us'.