"Hello, everyone!" Tony Harris said as he and his family entered the High School library.
Xander interrupted whatever his father was about to say next. "Hi guys. I know my call was brief and a little hazy, but I'll try to explain everything. First, these are my.. somewhat altered parents, mom and dad - er.. Jessica and Tony Harris."
"A pleasure to see such a nice collection of individuals." drawled Jessica with a slight bow.
Xander gestured towards his friends. "Parental units, these are my friends and associates. Rupert Giles or G-Man as he loves to be called." The librarian gave a snort of indignation before the boy continued.
"My bestest friend, Willow Rosenberg." The shy redhead waved. "Technopagan and computer teacher, Jenny Calender. Social queen, Cordelia Chase. ("I'm just here because it was convenient after cheerleading practice let out.") And of course, Buffy Summers, the Vampire Slayer."
"Good lord!" Giles exclaimed. "What part of 'secret identity' do you not understand?"
"My son's done nothing wrong. I'd have been able to spot the demon-enhanced demon huntress on my own." Tony said to the Englishman. "My mage sight is quite advanced. I like the demon tattoo on you arm, by the way, G-Man. Stylish, yet dooming."
Giles scowled at Xander's father while clutching his tweed jacket covered arm. "What exactly happened to your parent on Halloween, Xander? Your message of 'Meet at Library, nine o'clock. Parents altered by Halloween chaos magic.' left a lot of details to be desired."
"Well, remember how I got the three-for-one special at Ethan's bargain bin? I, well, kinda used the Cher wig and mustache to dress my parents up like Gomez and Morticia Addams from the Addams Family. Seems the Addamses left them a few gifts before going back to their dimension or whatever." Xander said. "But hey, on the plus side - they are taking more of an interest in family togetherness. We took out six vamps on the way over."
"Good lord!" Giles started polishing his glasses.
"Are you alright?" Willow asked.
"Sure thing, Wills." Xander smiled. "Not even a scratch left over. And you should have seen the other guys. My improved family also kinda did some, um.. rituals on me. Not that I had a choice, of course, but I'm a bit more durable now. Thus we can help with the slaying and stuff."
"No you can't." Buffy spoke up. "This is my destiny. Vampires versus Vampire Slayer. Tell him, Giles."
"Ooh, she's feisty!" Tony spoke up with a grin. "And a magical warrior to boot. Your red-haired friend has enormous magic potential. The computer teacher is of fine Romany stock - now some of those tribes can hold a grudge, let me tell you. And look at this one!"
He pointed towards Cordelia. "What a looker. She's 'a womb with a view'. That's what we call 'fine child-berthing hips'! Why she can spawn you an entire litter of babies with those!" Xander's father leered at the cheerleader's ample chest area. "And then have no problems feeding them!"
Cordelia opened her mouth in shock and outrage, but nothing came out immediately except a small squeak. Without further ado as the amount of comeback lines overloaded her brain, Cordelia grabbed her stuff and ran out.
"Daaad!" Xander flushed red of embarrassment. Even with all the Addams' enhancements, you couldn't completely take the Tony Harris out of the man.
"It occurs to me, that I've never actually given you 'The talk', son." Xander's embarrassed lush grew a few more shades of red as he started quietly chanting 'no no no no not happening' to himself.
"You see, son, you're coming of an age when you'll want to play the field. Sow some oats. Plow a few gardens. Take your throbbing... " Xander stared slack-jawed at the words that came out of his father's mouth. He was sure if the speech was being broadcast on network television, it would consist with one massive censor beeeep
, ending right before "... with the doberman and three jars of peanut butter, applied liberally."
Giles' glasses broke as the lens he was polishing flew out onto the floor. Buffy was staring with her mouth opened. Jenny Calender was also staring open-mouthed, but was thinking about how she should have been taking notes. On the other hand, Willow's brain simply shut down.
"There you go." Tony Harris pointed at the fainted redhead on the ground. "She seems willing."
"Oh, you say the most romantic things, honey love!" Jessica said.
Xander was still clutching and shaking his head in a negative; wishing for the existence of a product called 'Brain Brillo' to scrub his memory away - even as his parents started kissing. Then groping.