"I've seen enough. I've seen this type before. I mean, they're children making up bedtime stories of friendly vampires to comfort themselves in the dark," Angel scoffed at the people in the Sunset club.
"Personally, I have found the dark very comforting on its own," Jessica Harris responded, looking off towards a darkened corner of the modified bomb shelter before grabbing Tony and dragging him off. "Let's explore the comforting darkness, my beloved."
"Technically, you're a friendly vampire with a story," Xander told Angel, only to receive a strong scowling glare back. "Well okay, you're not that friendly. And your story is filled with so much brooding, it will probably never be shown on television or movies. Although, maybe if they pair you up with an annoying side-kick or a hot chick or something. Vampire crime drama, maybe? 'Deadboy Forehead McBroodypants, the tv series'. Heck, you'll have all the people in this entire club for an audience!"
"Don't call me that! And these people don't know anything about vampires. What they are, how they live, how they dress..."
A party goer dressed exactly like Angel walked past, giving the scowling vampire an approving nod at his choice of wardrobe.
"I'm not sure, but is there some kind of store that caters towards stylish outerwear for the undead?" Xander said while thinking. "I have two coats just like yours in my growing collection. I just didn't want to wear one today because, you know; two guests in a club, both wearing the same thing. It's unseemly."
"I think it may have something to do with vampire's body temperature," Willow said. "Coats keep the heat in, and all that."
"It's not like they're going to freeze to death, Willow," Xander shook his head. "Er, freeze to their second death, I mean."
"No. Have you ever touched a defrocked vampire at night. They are much with the cold and clammy," Willow said. "The coats probably lessen that somewhat."
"Defrocked?" Xander raised one eyebrow in amusement.
"Er, without a frock. No coat. Coat-less vampire," Willow blushed.
"Okay, I'm leaving," Angel said and was promptly ignored by Xander and Willow. The vampire sighed and made for the exit door.
"Why are you thinking about naked undressed vampires, Willow?" The dark haired boy teased.
"I didn't say naked! Defrocked is not naked!"
"Hmm, I bet most of these people in the club will have sex with a vampire," Xander said with a smile. "Can you imagine? Cold, clammy vampire sex?"
"Ewww!" Wilow stuck out her tongue in disgust. "I hope I'll never meet a person who would want that!"
"Ditto, " a stray thought suddenly manifested in Xander. "Although you know who probably wouldn't mind cold, clammy vamp sex? Ford! Maybe I should go and investigate him a little more closely. A guy doesn't enroll into high school, but does attends the classes; then goes to a vamp wannabe club on the hellmouth. Something is hinky!"
"Maybe the guy is into torture and stuff?" Willow said meekly.
"No, that would only explain the high school," Xander spoke. "We should go."
"What about your parents?"
A wannabe vampire goth girl passed by, busy speaking to her friend, "You know, I think there's an old couple dry humping in the far corner."
Xander blinked and sighed in resignation, "They'll be fine."
Ford had just gotten back from making his deal with Spike when the doorbell rang. Opening the door, he saw Xander standing there, holding both hands behind his back. "You're Willow's friend, right? What do you want?"
"Um, yeah. I'm actually trying to make a little money after school by going door to door, selling shovelings."
"Selling what? What's a shoveling?" Ford asked.
"Here, let me show you," Xander said with a wild grin as he whipped out a shovel from behind his back and, with supernatural speed, whacked Ford across the head with it, "Don't worry. The first one's a free sample. No charge."
Ford woke up with a massive headache and gradually noticed that that he couldn't move any of his limbs. "Uh, why am I chained to the wall?"
"Because the torture chamber in the basement isn't complete yet, of course," said Tony Harris with a wide-eyed grin.
"Because you were my lucky customer of the day," Xander said, still wielding his digging implement, "you win a lifetime's supply of unlimited shovelings!"
"Thanks, but I don't think I want any more shovelings," Ford said, still groggy.
"But they're free! You can examine the fine Corinthian metal polish up close over and over again!"
Ford decided to switch tactics, "Why are you doing this?"
"Good question. I actually have a few questions for you. I can ask them, then if you lie according to the truth detection spell, I hit you with a shovel. Lather, rinse, repeat," Xander said seriously, "Of course, there is a fun alternative."
"What's the fun alternative?" Ford asked.
"That's where we forgo the truth spell and I start wailing on you with mister happy fun shovel here until you tell me everything bad you've ever done or have planned; or start making faint squeaky noises and then pass out. In which case, I'll gently wake you up and then we'll continue where we left off."
"You can't do this! You will have a long jail sentence once I'm through with you!"
Xander shook his head, "No. If you play it that way, you will only have a short obituary that will most assuredly contain the phrase 'authorities have yet to find the head'."
"So, shall we try the truth detection spell way?" Xander smiled.
Buffy's old friend just nodded.
"Wasn't that easy? I hardly had to use the shovel at all," Xander said with a smile. Ford just groaned in response.
"Now, let's talk about you selling out Buffy in exchange for getting vamped," The high school student just shook his head sadly, "Buffy and I may not be on speaking terms at the moment, but she still is my friend. And as such, I have so much the issues with people trying to kill her for stupid reasons."
"Brain tumors are not stupid reasons," Ford muttered out, "I just wanted to live."
"Well, who doesn't? But still, you did me a solid by fessing up to everything. So, tell you what," Xander smiled wide, "I'm gonna do you a favor. I know this magic ritual that should fix up those nasty tumors right up. If it works."
Ford brightened up with the promise of living longer, "And if it doesn't?"
Xander laughed, "Let's just say, you won't have to worry about the tumors in either case. But don't worry, my dad showed me how to do it and he's an expert."
Tony grinned, "I have a forty-three percent fatality rate!"
"Exactly," Xander said to a rapidly panicking Ford, "Nothing to worry about at all!"
"So you understand what to do?" Xander asked.
"Sure, son. Nothing to worry about," said a smiling Tony, "Come, my lovely poison flower, to my secret backyard shed of mystery!"
"How wonderful!" Jessica Harris said expectantly with an elegant smile, "We can frolic there as we often do."
"Not right now, my lovely. We'll do what you're thinking after we return. Right now, we need to get the boxes of enigmatic danger loaded into the car. Then, we follow our brilliant son's plan."
"And then, we can play the lovely game of naked floor jell-o tag where we are not allowed to use our hands or feet?"
"Mom! I don't need to hear this! Just go!" Xander squinted his eyes hoping the mental image would fade soon.
After a trip to the Sunnydale police precinct, Tony and Jessica Harris, each holding a megaphone, walked out of their easily stolen police car and towards the bouncer of the Sunset Club.
"Now we don't want to alarm you, my good citizen, but it is urgent that we speak to the person in charge of the club right away," said Tony Harris after flashing the man the badge he had just happen to find on his stolen police uniform.
As they were led inside, the bouncer asked, "What is this about?"
"Well, I can't really say inside the club. It would probably cause a wild panic even if I didn't place this megaphone to my mouth and announce THERE IS A BOMB THREAT IN THIS CLUB
," Tony said after putting the megaphone to his mouth and turning it on.
The stampede towards the exit door was predictable, although a few club goers lingered behind.
"What is this? What's going on?" said a young man.
"We have received a bomb threat to this establishment, young sir," Jessica said, "We need everyone to leave until the bomb squad arrive. As a precaution, you understand?"
A wannabe vampire girl pouted, "But the lonely ones were going to bless us tonight!"
"Perhaps, they will do that on a different night. An equinox maybe?" Jessica patted the girls head as one would an upset puppy.
The young man who was left behind glanced at the two police officers again a bit more closely, "Hey, weren't you two in the club earlier?"
"No. Those were our twins who do not carry tasers around," Tony said, pulling out his taser and applying it to the young man, dropping him to the ground in a twitching mess, "For his own safety, you understand?"
"Yes, please take him home," Jessica added to the girl, "We will move the bomb-hunting equipment boxes inside."
"6:27. Sunset. They should be coming any time now, dearest belladonna blossom," Tony watched from across the street while sitting in the police car, still dressed like an officer.
After a moment, Jessica spoke up, "Ahh, there they are. I do believe that is the vampire Billy Idol look-a-like that our son told us about. Spock, or some silly name like that."
"That's Spike, dearest," Tony said, "And that babbling girl must be his vampire love. How romantic."
"She does seem to speak of such interesting things to her doll," Jessica agreed, "Perhaps she is on some sort of undead versus inanimate object debate club?"
"Oh well, they're nearly in position," Tony observed, "Oh look, one of the minions is running out to tell them that there's no one in the club. Now or never, my love."
"Let us make it now," Jessica said and pushed the detonator button. There was a earth-shaking explosion that destroyed all the vampires inside the empty club except Spike and Drusilla, who managed to avoid the blast due to Drusilla's seer abilities. The two vampires ran off as fast as they could while the fire was still raging inside.
Tony Harris smirked, "I wonder why they were so surprised? It's a bomb shelter. It's supposed to shelter bombs."
"Amazing, my love. All of this violence. I feel like I'm on the set of a Michael Bay film," Jessica smiled, "Do you think Xander would be upset with us if we returned later then planned? I wish to use the siren and lights on this vehicle. We can pull over an unsuspecting motorist and do dark, naughty things to each other on the top of their hood."
Tony grinned his mustached grin, "We can promise them no ticket if they wait until we finish! I do love the games you make, my darling nightshade."
And with that, the police car drove off into the night.
"We're home, son!" Tony said enthusiastically as he opened the door, letting his wife in. "We dumped the naked passed out cops back in their car and pushed it into someone's garage. They should be safe, although we did keep the uniforms and handcuffs. For later."
Jessica smiled as she walked into the living room, "How ever did the ritual... go?"
Xander's mother stared at a very messy scene that looked as though someone's head exploded.
"Ford's head exploded," Xander explained, turning off the blood-stained television he had been watching.
Tony smiled, "I'm so proud of you, son! First time, and already you have a better fatality percentage than your old man."
"Whatever happened to the body?" Jessica asked.
"Eh, I dumped it on the football field at school with a fired sawed-off shotgun and a typed note that explained that his gay lover was leaving him for an alien cult," Xander shrugged his shoulders, "Explained in full whiny, graphic detail. It was two and a half pages long, single spaced; not including the horrible goth poem. Or crudely drawn diagrams. I figure the best thing that can happen to old car-boy is for some random passing demon to mercifully devour his body."
"Ahh. An end as honorable as the man," Xander's father nodded in understanding.
"Oh, hey," Xander remembered, "I think I manage to capture his soul in this Orb of Santa Claus!"
"Orb of Thesulah, dear," Jessica corrected.
"Eh, it looked like a fancy tree ornament to me," Xander sighed. For once, he had thought he understood the naming of a mystical artifact.
"Thorn flower, dear," Tony said to his wife, his grin widening, "How rusty are your skills at making golems?"
Ford came back into consciousness with a slow groan. His second thought was, 'That doesn't sound like one of my groans.' His first thought was, of course, 'Ow, my head!'
"What happened?" he managed to say in a slow monotone.
"Heya car-boy," Xander said with a cheerful smile, "To make a long story short, the ritual failed. Now I have some of the good news and some of the bad news for you."
"Good news first. You have a new, shiny body. It should last you a few centuries at least. Also, you're taller. Close to seven feet, now. Yay! You could even play basketball if, you know, you weren't a slow moving, magically animated, artificial crime against nature. So, no more tumors and a long life span as a magical being much stronger than a human. It's what you wanted minus the gross sucking of the blood, right?"
Ford drawled out in a slow deep voice, "The bad news?"
"Well, you're bound to this family, for the next few centuries at least. That means, you can't hurt us or go against your orders, such as 'clean the living room of all your former head pieces', and 'stay in the house until ordered otherwise, in which case return to the house after you finish your orders'. Also, you need a new name, since your headless body is probably causing a small incident at school as we speak," Xander thought for a moment, "Since you can't be Ford anymore. Hmm. Oh! I know! I now dub thee... Dodge."
Ford, now a magical golem named Dodge, just let out a long slow groan.